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Mark Jennings Reese II, Prateek Srivastava & Ryan Stockton.
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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler John.....Rob Riggle .....Finesse Mitchell Donny Bell.....Fred Armisen Santa Claus.....Will Forte Jay-C.....Chris Parnell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. In a first for the United States, a large-scale power plant has been commissioned in Benson, Minnesota which runs exclusively off turkey feces. You have to wonder what those turkeys are being fed for this to be classified as "green energy." This will also bring new meaning to the term "brown out." Theoretically, any form of fecal matter could be used as fuel, but turkeys provide the crap of choice due to the dry consistency and the aroma. Unsurprisingly, three such power plants are already functional in the UK. Amy Poehler: Caesars Atlantic City Hotel Casino is currently under investigation after it was found that security cameras were being used over the past four years to record voyeuristic footage of female employees and guests. The security guards responsible would start recording whenever they found a woman they considered a five or above - which is why the Atlantic City-based tape is only six minutes long. Tina Fey: President Bush said Thursday that “now is the time to confront Social Security”. Immediately after saying this, Bush grabbed the "mike" like a rapper and said, “Yo Social Security, what up, bitch!” Amy Poehler: In other news, American Contractors in Iraq have started hiring former Columbian soldiers to work as security guards. It is hoped that these new troops will help bring stability to the region. That, and cocaine. And now, with some thoughts on holiday traffic, is Seattle traffic correspondent John. John: You may wonder why they flew someone in across the country to talk about holiday traffic. I'll tell you why, we have a unique situation in Seattle. Something like the fourth worst traffic in the nation, but what are we really known for? Rain. You'd think people would know that after they've been living here for...I don't know, 48 hours. Yet somehow when there is one non-rainy day, when the next rain comes the entire city has forgotten how to drive in the rain. The result is a couple million people driving 42 in a 60 with their hazards always on, hoping it'll count as signaling in both directions just in case they need to change lanes. And brakes? Left equals brake, right equals gas - press it, see what happens. So, what I want to say is: if you can't remember how you drove last week, don't drive at all. Ever. Do they let people with Alzheimer's drive? I don't know, but if you can't remember how to drive in the rain in the RAINY city. Get off the freakin' road. Amy Poehler: Um...that doesn't really seem like a holiday traffic thing. We thought you were going to talk about airports or something. John: You want holidays? Fine, (pulls a stack of bumper stickers out from under the desk) it says "Ho ho honk if you hate stupid drivers!" I've got one for every one. (Sticks one on Amy) Don't come to my city. Amy Poehler: John, everyone. He thinks I'm a terrible driver. Tina Fey: At a press conference earlier this week, President Bush vowed for a strong dollar policy with the world. Bush said, “We'll do everything we can in the upcoming legislative session to send a signal to the markets that we'll deal with our deficit, which, hopefully, will cause people to want to buy dollars.” As an after thought, Bush then said, “I have no clue what I just said!” Amy Poehler: This week controversy took place on Capitol Hill when President Bush awarded 3 of the major people who were responsible for the invasion and occupation of Iraq. There was some controversy at the ceremony since one of the awardees said finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq would be a "slam dunk". He has since retracted his statement saying it was more like an "airball". Earlier this week, in Germany, a pair of young women convinced an 81 year old man to join them in a nude photo shoot and then ran off with his wallet and pants once he had disrobed. (a beat) Nice work Tina! [Shot widens to reveal Tina removing a wallet from a pair of pants.] Tina Fey: (Tina gives Amy a high five) It was all you, girl. It was announced this week that Jenna Bush, daughter of President Bush, will teach public school in Washington, D.C. Jenna Bush said her first plan of action, as a teacher, is to institute Friday’s as “Jello Shot Friday’s”. Tina Fey: Recent steroid use confessions from such baseball stars as Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi have left many wondering just how deeply entrenched illicit drug activity is in America’s favorite pastime. Here with a report is Weekend Update Sports Correspondent, Finesse Mitchell. [ cut to baseball dugout, where Finesse is conducting an interview with Donny Bell, a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates ] Finesse Mitchell: Thanks, Tina. I’m here with Donny Bell, third-string second baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Now, I’ve been looking through the records and it appears that you’re the only player in the major leagues who has not used steroids. Donny Bell: Yes, that’s right. Finesse Mitchell: So, how do you manage to stay competitive with such a disadvantage on the field? Donny Bell: Well, I guess the short answer is that, honestly, I’m not. I’m the third-string second baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates; there are high school JV teams with better second baseman. But I’ve kind of built a reputation around it; the fans here in Pittsburgh like to call me Mr. Clean. [ they both chuckle ] Donny Bell: For those who don’t know, the real Mr. Clean used to play minor league ball in Topeka before he got kicked out for steroid use and started a detergent company. Finesse Mitchell: It’s listed on my card here that you actually have hit a home run. Now, without using steroids, how is that possible? Donny Bell: Well, I managed to hit the ball into left field. It was a routine single, but I was able to take it around for an inside-the-parker when the left fielder suffered a steroid-induced seizure. Finesse Mitchell: So, if it weren’t for him taking steroids, you never would have had a home run. Donny Bell: That is correct. In fact, the last home run to not be caused by steroids in some way was in 1935. Finesse Mitchell: You have a .085 lifetime batting average, how do you manage to stay on a team putting up such terrible numbers as that? Donny Bell: Well, I have a great agent and he managed to convince the baseball commission to let me work at the minimum salary minus the amount the average baseball player spends on steroids. All told, Pittsburgh pays me about forty-six a year. Finesse Mitchell: Forty-six thousand? Donny Bell: No, just forty-six. Finesse Mitchell: Now, how does your team react to your steroid-free lifestyle? Donny Bell: Well, they bug me about it a little, always trying to get me to eat a booster brownie or drink from the green Gatorade cooler. But I just keep a good sense of humor about it and never leave my food unattended. Finesse Mitchell: The last thing I have left to ask you is, why? Everyone else is using it and it’s only helped their performance. Heck, even I’m using steroids right now to be a better interviewer. So why are you being such a pussy? Donny Bell: I guess what it really comes down to is that, and I’ve done my research on this, there are many side effects of steroid use that I just don’t want to deal with. There are odor issues, unsightly hair patches develop and benign lumps form in the testicular region. I figured I’d prefer sexual adequacy over baseball adequacy. Finesse Mitchell: Steroids haven’t hurt me from getting sex. Donny Bell: We all can juggle chainsaws, but only some of us can still do it blindfolded on a unicycle. Look at me! I can’t make it tougher and still expect to score, you know? Finesse Mitchell: So sex is basically the same thing as juggling chainsaws? Donny Bell: I’m going to have to answer that with a very qualified yes. Finesse Mitchell: Thanks, Donny. Back to you, Tina. Tina Fey: Well several television networks announced there new mid-season line up changes and in an interesting twist, a spokesperson for C-SPAN announced this week that, Legislation meets that air from 7 to 11 p.m. will be replaced with “Capitol Hill Mud Wrestling”. Amy Poehler: In Florida this week a man was arrested for animal cruelty after punishing his dog by biting him in the leg. The man later replied saying: "Tastes like chicken." And, in England, a nursing home staff paid tribute to a 105 year old woman who was a lifelong smoker by cremating her and laying a large floral cigarette on her coffin, because nothing says honoring the dead like burying them with the murder weapon. Tina Fey: Pop-star Britney Spears caused a problem for passengers on a recent flight when she took off her shoes, exposing an odor coming from her feet. After enduring several complaints, Spears put her shoes back on and all was right with the world... (Listens into her ear piece) Hang on! A late breaking story - along with stinky feet, Britney Spears' shit stinks, as well. More on this story as it develops. Amy Poehler: In Oklahoma this week highway patrolmen pulled over a car with two kids in it and found over 600 pounds of marijuana inside four coffins. According to reports, when the officer pulled the car over the kids said "Don't worry officer we don't have any drugs in the coffins." Tina Fey: Well it's the holiday season now and we have a special guest here to help brighten up our Weekend Update studios, ladies and gentlemen, straight from the north pole, Santa Claus! (The camera pans over to show the classic jolly Santa Claus) Santa Claus: Ho ho ho Merry Christmas Tina and Amy! Have you both been good girls this year? Tina & Amy: Oh we sure have Santa! Santa Claus: Ho ho ho like I could really believe that. (Tina and Amy stare at Santa for a moment, slightly offended at what he's said.) Santa Claus: Oh I am just kidding girls, you've both been very nice this year. Tina Fey: Oh you kidder. Santa Claus: Well it’s a very busy time of year for me but I thought since it’s the season for sharing that I would answer a few of the many questions I have been getting lately from young boys and girls? As to your inquiries about whether or not Will Ferrell lives with me up in the North Pole, that is a big "No", children. Will Ferrell is merely a very talented actor and not an actual elf. Also tonight I have decided to answer one of the biggest questions that everybody has been dying to know: How does he go all around the world in just one night? Amy Poehler: Wow, you're really going to let us in on the big secret? Santa Claus: I sure am Amy, and the answer is outsourcing. Tina Fey: I am sorry Santa, outsourcing? Santa Claus: That’s right, Tina. For many centuries we have outsourced our work to people in the United States. We made them dress up like me wearing a big red jacket, a snowy white beard, the works. But in the past decade or so we realized things weren’t working as well as they used to, so we decided to outsource our work to India. Tina Fey: You outsourced the job of Santa Claus to India? Santa Claus: Well Tina you have to realize that in our current economic situation that you have to keep yourself ahead of the game. Now the profit margins that we were receiving had been dropping for 5% each year for the past 7 years. Now with the exchange rate the way that it is with the currency transfer we get from using workers in India our net profit, after the Hanukkah-Kwanzaa losses, has increased by at least 10% each year. Tina Fey: Hold on a second Santa, you're profiting off Christmas? I thought you did it for the joy of boys and girls around the world, and maybe some milk and cookies. Santa Claus: Ho ho ho! That’s very funny Tina, the whole milk and cookies thing was marketing’s idea, they said it would boost my public image. No actually the way we make profit is that we take things from your house, not really valuable stuff like your wedding ring or a kidney, we just take a few bucks here and there or maybe some old stuff in the attic that nobody in the family is really using anymore. One house by itself is not a lot, but add hundreds of millions of houses and cha-ching. Amy Poehler: Oh man all of my wonderful childhood memories gone, just like that. Santa Claus: So boys and girls if you see an Indian man wearing a white beard and he’s rummaging through your things don’t go grabbing your shotgun thinking he’s a convenience store clerk who’s gone over the edge, just remember he’s working for old St. Nick. Well I have to go back to the North Pole now, it’s almost time for the annual board meeting so bye everybody and Merry Christmas ho ho ho! Tina Fey: (depressed) Alright bye, that was Santa Claus everybody. Amy Poehler: Scott Peterson was sentenced to death last Monday on account of double-murder with the execution to take place on Feb. 25th. This could have all been avoided if Scott had just been a star football player (show picture of OJ Simpson). One of the most unique films currently on DVD is "A Day Without a Mexican". The mockumentry is about how society would function if there were no Hispanic people living in the the US. Hmm, I think a better title would be A Day in Vermont or A Day in Rhode Island or A Day in Utah. Tina Fey: The Osama bin Laden tape, which was released on video this past Thursday, will be released on DVD next Tuesday, just in time for Christmas! And yes, it will be available at WAL-MART! Actor Jason Biggs has reportedly gotten so lonely, that he has signed on to “Match-dot-com” looking for love. Ladies, if you are looking for Jason Biggs, his title on “Match-dot-com” is called, “Famous Pie Humper Looking For Love” And now, here is professional pedophile, host of “The Jay-C Show” on Spike TV, Jay-C! Jay-C: Thank you. Ladies, you are looking good tonight. Amy Poehler: Thanks but we are both married and over 30. Jay-C: It’s cool. Don’t call the rape police, baby! I’m here tonight, to express my happy holiday wishes to all the young and beautiful girls of America…and Asia, too! “The Pedo” doesn’t discriminate! Me love you ladies, long time! Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa and Happy Chanukah! Hey Hebrew girls, you know who you are, if you’ve reached your “ba mitz vah”, you are old enough to light Jay-C’s one inch candle 8 times, this holiday season! Oh! And to the girls celebrating Christmas, no need to leave milk and cookies out for me, because Jay-C just wants to sniff your panties! Oh! And to the girls, celebrating Kwanzaa, Happy Kwanzaa! I don’t know much about Kwanzaa, but I do know that I like black girls! I’m just looking for some fine 14-year-old Nubian princess to celebrate the holiday with me. So ladies, 13 to 17 years of age, I’m looking for a lucky girl to jingle my bells…if you catch my drift. Happy Holidays! Tina Fey: Jay-C, the creepy disgusting pedophile, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina & Amy: Good night and have a pleasant holiday. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
