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All-State Ad Spokesman... Finesse Mitchell
(Open on a calm, pastoral meadow setting. The grass on the rolling hills is lush and green and the sun shines brightly overhead. There is a bridge in the background on the right, raised above a small river. The "All-State" insurance logo is present in the lower right-hand corner of the screen. In the middle of the shot is the well-dressed African-American spokesman for All-State, who has been seen so frequently in these commercials. He begins to speak as the shot settles.) All-State Spokesman: (in his typical monotone) It's a new year, a time for change and improvement, to make sure that the mistakes of the past will not damage your future. In 2004, approximately 5,100,000 American males masturbated while reading pornographic magazines. Thirty thousand of those individuals held the pages too close to their privates and got genital paper cuts so severe it resulted in complete scrotal amputation, and left them screaming in agony like little sissy girls every time they went to urinate. Last year, more than twelve thousand men in this country were hospitalized due to improperly gripping their tallywhackers or excessive repositioning and movement of their hands while engaging in self-stimulation. In more than half of those cases, their peckers were mutilated and resembled nothing more than fleshy, misshapen balloon animals. The remaining perverts had the centers of their ding-dongs clamped tightly shut, and can only release less than a microliter's worth of fluid when expelling liquids. Over the past four months, seven thousand, five hundred and eighty one males above the age of 35 jerked off on a daily basis in spite of the fact that they were ready to expel kidney stones, and the resulting climaxes irreparably tore up their pee-holes. (He shudders in disgust as he contemplates how painful this must have been. He calms down and addresses the camera once again.) Injuries such as these are more common than many would expect, and the cost of treatment and rehabilitation for such maladies is quite expensive. That's why All-State is now proud to be the first to offer quality Wanking Insurance to provide for individuals injured by this horrible malady. We at All-State understand how difficult it is to resist these dirty animalistic urges, and that in partaking in this sinful, disgusting behavior, people fail to account for the hazards such an activity poses. With full wanking coverage, you can be assured that you and your loved ones will be provided for if, for God only knows what reason, you decide that rubbing your schlong with sandpaper and then sprinkling salt over it will provide a sexual thrill. And while you may not think trimming your nails before whacking off is necessary for good health, the bacterial growth's just waiting to infect your privates through direct contact think otherwise. With All-State watching over you, you can be assured that your medical costs will be fully taken care of during this difficult period, leaving you to focus on more pressing matters, such as learning how to supress pain every time you put your boxers on, and trying to figure out a way to pork your significant other that doesn't require the use of your horribly mangled wang. And our coverage offers full protection for women as well as men, because women can be just as dirty and raunchy when it comes to playing with themselves. Just ask the eight hundred and thirty one sorority sisters hospitalized last year with third-degree labial burns due to excessive application of K-Y Warming Lubricant and a significant deal of friction. Having the proper coverage will greatly ease the pain, though it will take a very, very, very, very long time to physically heal. That's All-State's standard. Are you, and your genitals, in good hands? (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
