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Wife.....Maya Rudolph Husband.....Topher Grace Counselor.....Rob Riggle [Scene: Bedroom. Wife is in scene, in bed. Husband enters from bedroom bathroom wearing blue footie pajamas that are covered with bright yellow ducks wearing nightcaps. Wife makes motion as though she's about to get out of bed to use the washroom.] Husband: Oh no, you're gonna wanna let that sit... [Checks watch]until about 6 AM. [The couple shares a mini-kiss] Wife: [Wrinkles her nose, but in a pleasant smirky way] Goodnight. [Wife reads while husband starts applying lotion. Husband speaks to her but is focused on the lotion.] Husband: What are you reading? Wife: The Da Vinci code. I know I'm probably the last person in the world who hasn't read it yet but, you know, so far its good. Do you think that Opus Dei really exists? [A beat as Husband continues to ignore her while applying lotion.] That's a lot of lotion, don't you think? Husband: [Pause] Uh... [Slightly higher pitch, defensive] no. Wife: Okay...let me just finish this chapter and then we can cuddle. [Wife reads while Husband deftly disappears under the sheets] Wife: Sweetie. I thought we were going to bed early to spend time with EACH OTHER. [Putting bookmark in book] Here, I don't need to finish the chapter. [Wife puts the book down while Husband rustles under the covers. His hand emerges from under the covers to grab a tissue.] Wife: I don't think we can become closer in our relationship if you're all the way over there doing... [A beat while we hear a rustle rustle rustle under covers] Don't you want to be with me? Don't I excite you anymore? Husband: [from under covers] Of course I do, I mean...u do...whatever. Wife: Enough Travis, I know what you're doing, and it needs to stop! [The rustling stops] Look, we've talked about this...it has to stop. It's coming between us...Travis...Travis [shaking him to get him come out from under covers]...dammit, Travis, stop it! [Husband pops up from under the covers with a tissue hanging from his left nostril and a big booger on his left hand.] Husband: What? Wife: You were picking your nose in bed again... Husband: No way. Wife: Oh really. What's with the tissue up your nose? Husband: I had a bloody nose... Wife: According to Trivial Science Weekly, 99% of all nose bleeds are the result of overzealous picking Travis... Husband: Which means 1% aren't dear. Wife: What's that on your finger then... [Husband notices huge booger.] Husband: This... [Flicks booger which gets stuck on the finger he tried to flick it with.] This is nothing... [Repeat failed booger flick] ...it's... [Repeat failed booger flick] ...just... [Repeat failed booger flick, more frustrated] ...it's like... [shakes finger with booger on it vigorously] ...nothing...it's... [Furious finger shaking, he's now standing on the bed]...it's nothing...[to booger]GET OFF OF ME!!!! [Husband spins off the bed and crashes to the ground and goes off camera.] Wife: [Getting up out of bed and pacing] Honey, this is really serious and we need to talk about it. Husband: [On camera. Has recovered somewhat from fall and rests his head and shoulders on bed] I don't wanna. Wife: Honey, this is really important to me. It's a perfect opportunity to exercise our 'I feel' statements. Husband: [Getting back onto the bed, under the covers, with his finger resting behind his head, the bored expression of a defiant teenage on his face.] I feel like nothing's wrong and you should let me go to sleep. Wife: Stop being so difficult. Husband: I'm telling you how I feel. Wife: It's been a month of this, every single night. I have needs too, you know! [A beat as husband pauses to think before he reaches for the tissues and lotion] Wife: No! You're so selfish! Husband: I know you are, but what am I? Wife: [Screams in frustration] I'm telling! [Wife storms out of room, slamming door. We hear stomping for a few seconds, a pause then more stomping, the door slams back open and wife is standing with Counselor, a sleepy man with off skewed glasses in an old fashioned night dress, cuddling a teddy bear.] Wife: He's doing it again and he won't talk about it! Husband: I can't believe you got the counselor out of bed again... Wife: You made me do it. Counselor: [To self] I knew this live in practice idea was a mistake. [To Wife] Now...what did we talk about? Wife: Making accusations... Counselor: [To Husband] And what did we talk about? Husband: Picking my nose. Counselor: [To the couple] And what did we talk about? Wife and Husband: Doing it less often... Wife: Gee, I'm really sorry. Counselor: You should be; I was having a very nice dream about cream filled donuts. Mmm. [Counselor turns and exits. Couple gets back into bed.] Wife: He is so insightful. I feel like he's really helping us reach a new level. I think he's worth every penny of the $1,000 a week we're paying him...and the free meals and such. Husband: Yep. You can't put a price on happiness. Baby, I love you. Wife: I know you do. [Cut to outside shot of house. '22 minutes later' appears on screen. Cut back to bedroom. Husband turns to cuddle.] Husband: I love you. [Wife cuddles back.] Wife: I love you too. [Wife reaches up, sticks her finger in her ear and begins to dig around.] Husband: [Squeals like a little girl] Dammit Carolynne, that is gross! [Shoving her away] Get away! [Counselor runs in] Counselor: What's going on? Wife: Nothing...I just had a piece of wax...it itches... Husband: Look at what she's doing? Counselor: [Gags] That's sick Wife: What? Husband: How am I supposed to sleep next to that? Counselor: You shouldn't have to. [Husband begins to cry. To Husband.] Come sleep with me. [To wife] You should be ashamed of yourself. [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
