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Bern.....Topher Grace Lausanne.....Maya Rudolph Jake Something.....Fred Armisen Zurich.....Seth Meyers Basel.....Amy Poehler Stockholm.....Rob Riggle [ fade in ] [ ext. Street – Night ] [ Torrential rain as Bern holds a spare tire outside his date Lausanne’s car, while she sits inside speaking through a cracked window ] Lausanne: I know it’s raining hard, Bern, but I really appreciate you doing this. Bern: Really, it’s no problem. [ Bern sets up the jack when he is approached by Jake Something, a roughly dressed chain smoker ] Jake: Whatcha got going on there? Bern: [ apprehensive ] Changing a flat tire… Jake: Relax, I’m not a knife murderer or anything. I’m just out for a cig. [ tosses his cigarette away and lights another ] Smoke? Bern: [ starts jacking car ] No thanks. [ pause, while Jake smokes vigorously ] Isn’t it a bit wet out for that? Jake: Ehhh, they don’t let me smoke inside the building so I do what I gotta do. [ thunderclap ] I agree, this is some disgusting weather we’re having, isn’t it? It’s been like this round here all week, but a man’s gotta get his fix, hear? Bern: [ removing flat ] Sure. Jake: I mean, two weeks ago we had the snow banks higher than a dead whale but here I was. And in the summer? Stinks like a dead whale, hear? So is this your car? Bern: Actually, it’s my girlfriend Lausanne’s. Jake: Is that what you kids are doing these days, letting the women drive? You want my advice? I say if they want to drive the car, let them fix it! No sense getting hypothermia, hear? Bern: Not what I’d expect to hear from you… Jake: What’d you mean by that? Hold on. [ replaces cigarette again, then looks enlightened ] Oh, the smoking in the rain thing, right? Ehhh, it’s a good job but they won’t let me smoke indoors. A man’s entitled to his cigs, hear? I mean, it’s a good job, good people. You know who I work for? Bern: I haven’t— Jake: The Swedish Mafia. Eh? Sounds to good to be true, hear? They’re a bunch of terrific guys, all softies at heart. Set me up with some warehousing job, just keep an eye on the place. But they’re clean people, hear? No smoking and other funk like that. Hold on. [ cigarette switch again ] Bern: Changing a flat… Not going anywhere… Captive audience… Jake: Right, so listen, the business is great. Every ethnic group has their own underground crime scene, hear? You got the Italians, with their Italian mafia;, the Russians and Irishmans have one. The Mexicans, but they mostly just ship people across the border. But the Swedes are making their mark. I’m not Swede myself, but I’ve always wanted to bang one. Hold on, my head itches. [ scratches his head ] Right, so this guy Zurich, he started the whole deal. [ ext. Porch – Day ] [ A fashionable vacation lodge porch is situated amongst a forest. Zurich sits surrounded by other Swedes including Basel and Stockholm. ] Jake (V/O): Now Zurich, he starts bootlegging party drugs. Ecstasy, roundworm, tribbles, dangling participles, he had them all. And you know once you make a buck somewhere, it’s easier to make that buck again. The secret’s in keeping making that buck, hear? The important thing is… hold on, cig’s out again. [ all Swedes look restless while waiting for Jake to continue narration ] Jake (V/O): What was I talking about? Ehhh, oh yeah, Zurich and the gang. Nice place they live in. They all mountain bike and fly fish. Buy some strange funk furniture, too. From one dip to another, these Swedes aren’t normal. [ Swedes provide action ot dialogue ] Two years ago, Stockholm and Basel – they were a couple you just wished did dirty films – they staged a coup. Stockholm figured the guy in charged should be named after a Swedish city. Shot up Zurich like a crime lord. Ehhh, that’s not much of a simile but anyway, he started bleeding jelly beans. I’m talking all kinds here, red, green, white, black, yellow, pink, white, green, did I say green? Bern (V/O): Yes. Jake (V/O): Green, blue. Do they even make blue? Not sure, but he was bleeding it, spilling all out over his trendy coffee table, or deflooguhn I think it’s called. Anyone who might have defended him just kind of forgot once there was all that candy there. Hey, got to act fast when there are free jelly beans. Course this all… hold on, need another cig. [ Swedes freeze while we hear several unsuccessful lighter clicks ] Damn rain, c’mon. [ Swedes become bored, a few drop poses, Zurich walks off set ] There. Well, that’s about all I have to say about them, you can cut the camera back. [ Swedes look fierce over being made to wait ] [ ext. Street – Night ] Jake: So I’m starting at the bottom, working my way up. Joined the union, got a company car, things aren’t looking too bad. Someday everyone will know my name. Jake Something. Bern: Jake Something? Jake: Hey, don’t have at it. Making fun of names is for kiddie playgrounds, hear? [ thunderclap, rain starts falling harder, more wind ] Jake: Catshit, looks like it’s getting worse. Hey, let me help you with that. [ reaches in ] Screw that bolt this way… no, this way… oh sorry, you were right. [ backs off to smoke ] Hey, why isn’t that kitty-two-claws of yours out here helping ya? Why do I have to do all the work? Bern: You’ve done none of the work. Jake: Hey, don’t hold it against me, bud. But what’s with her, huh? [ rain and wind gets worse, nearly catastrophic ] Bern: If she has to step out into this rain, I’m not getting any tonight. Jake: [ struggling to protect his cigarette from the weather ] Hey hey, nice work, bro. Bern: I’m almost done, but if you’re not going to help, can you just leave me alone? Jake: Whoa, simmer. Save the energy for the sack, hear? I’m just trying to add a little conversation. You get to know me better, I get to know you better. It’s a good thing running… hold on, leg cramp. [ begins massaging leg ] Bern: I’d like you to know that even though I am still here, I am in no way waiting for you to massage your leg. As soon as this is fixed, I’m gone. Jake: Sounds good. Hey, mind if I get your flat? I collect them. [ Bern glares at Jake ] Jake: No deal? That’s fair. Well, looks like you’re all set, glad to help you. I’ll see you around, Mi—, Ro—, sorry, what did you say your name was? Bern: I didn’t. [ wind gets so strong, Jake’s cigarette flies out of his hand ] Jake: Ehhh, that’s my cue to go inside again. Catch you later, bro. [ exit Jake ] [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
