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Exec.....Topher Grace Judith.....Amy Poehler Gareth.....Will Forte [Scene: Office setup. Exec is at his desk doing some paperwork. There are two chairs conveniently placed in front of his desk. There is a knock at the office door.] Exec: Come in. [We see office door open as Gareth, a grouchy looking man, and Judith, a buxom blonde, enter.] Exec: (getting to his feet) Well, hello there. Can I help you? Judith: (holding book) Yes. My name is Judith Dark and this is my husband, Gareth. (holding up book) We’re here to talk to you about your book. Exec: Sure thing. (shaking their hands) Pleased to meet you both, my name is David Duchovny. No relation. Please sit. (everyone sits)...how can I help you? Judith: Yes, well I bought your book...’Advanced Marketing for Morons'... Exec: Ah yes, a classic from our ‘for Morons’ line of books. Judith: Yes, well, the thing is...I wanted to start my own business and I thought this book would help me market my product and... Exec: And what product is that? Judith: Scuba gear for gerbils. Exec: Wow. (genuine) That sounds like a product that would sell itself. Gareth: (cutting into conversation) She got the idea from the time dropped the gerbil into the fish tank. Exec: (genuine) Serendipity indeed. Judith: Yes, anyways, there wasn’t one thing in the book that was the least bit helpful. Much of it is just downright wrong. Exec: Wrong? Judith: Yes. (flipping through book) For example, right here it says: (reading) "When dealing with potential investors be sure to write out your proposal in Strawberry Mille Feuille colored Crayola crayon." Exec: I stand by that. Judith: How can you say that when, not three pages later, you say: "Caution: Whatever you do, NEVER, submit a proposal to potential investors in Strawberry Mille Feuille colored crayon!"? Exec: Okay...so which of those statements are you saying is wrong then? Judith: I don’t know...they both can’t be right! Besides, I’m not even sure if that color of crayon even exists. I bought thirty boxes of crayons and not one single "Strawberry Mille Feuille"! Exec: Yes, it’s not easy to find. Look I think I know what the problem is here. You see...this book was never meant to be used for marketing. Judith: I beg your pardon. Exec: Well, as the title suggests the principal target audience is morons. Who but a moron would think that they’re going to learn marketing, let alone advanced marketing, from a book? People have to go to school for that. So, you know, so what if what’s in the book isn’t (making quotes with hands) "right". So what, if I wrote the book myself and I don’t know the first thing about marketing. So what if the last ten pages are just photocopied Bazooka Joe cartoons. Are the morons really going to notice? Judith: I bought the book and I noticed! Exec: If you’re a moron, by definition, that means that you have an IQ of less than 70. Do you have an IQ of less than 70? Because by buying a book (make quotes with hands) "for Morons"...you’re implicitly agreeing to the fact that you’re a moron. And if you’re not a moron...then I’d say that you purchased the book under false pretenses. So what is it? Are you a moron or a liar? Gareth: Hey, nobody calls my wife a cripple! Exec: I...I didn’t call her a cripple. Gareth: Good. Judith: I am neither a liar nor a moron. You sir however are both. I want my money back and I may file a lawsuit. Exec: What? You’re going to file a lawsuit because a book..."FOR MORONS"...didn’t help you learn about marketing? Good one. Here’s how I see it going. The prosecution’s case. (imitating lady)Your Honor, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. My turn. (picks up book and gets a smug look on his face while underscoring the "for Morons" part of the book.) The defense rests. (miming lowering of a gavel) Case dismissed. Judith: Look...I’d like to speak to your superior. Exec: I’m the president and owner. Judith: What? I have a hard time believing you own and run a publishing company. Exec: It is hard to believe. Just three years ago I was walking around my house in my underwear waiting for my day-old KFC to warm up… (changing thought process) I won’t even eat it fresh. I wait a day or two and then eat it. It gains in chickeny goodness somehow. Anyways, I had no job, no prospects and suddenly it hit me...I want to become a publisher. So I rolled up my sleeves...actually I had no sleeves cuz I was in my undies...but regardless, the point is, I got on the phone and called my filthy rich parents and here you have it: Duchovny’s Books. Judith: Fine. So you don’t need to care about me. I’ll just go. Exec: Wait, wait. Don’t go away mad. Some people let success mess with their heads and they forget to care. I don’t want that to become me. Also, I’m not crazy about the lawsuit thing. (takes card from top drawer) Here. Please take this. I hope it helps you realize that I do care and that I appreciate your patronage. Judith: A card? (reading) "Sorry that our product made you glum. And you probably think we’re very dumb. But we at Duchovny want you to win not lose. So, enjoy these free tickets for an all expense paid cruise!" Omigosh, I can’t believe this. Thank you so much... (looks absently at the back of the card) wait... (reading) "Duchovny’s Greeting Cards for the Extremely Gullible"...are these tickets real or not? Exec: They’re as real as your breasts. [A beat. Judith throws card and tickets at Exec and gets up to leave.] Exec: Please, why are you being like this? Go home, cool off, take a bubble bath and call me...maybe we can work things out over the phone. [Exec gives a hesitant Judith his card.] Judith: (notices back of card) Duchovny’s Business Cards for the Very Do-able? Exec: It has my home phone number on it. Judith: I’m a married woman. Exec: Oh right, I forgot... Judith: Gareth, are you going stand for this type of behavior! Gareth: (getting to his feet) No, I most certainly am not. Judith…leave us alone. Judith: Knock him into next year, baby! Exec: Man, I’d feel better about this if it wasn’t January... [Judith exits.] Exec: Please don’t hurt me...I can’t help it...I’m rich and amoral... Gareth: (almost to self) Geez, can you believe the way she’s taking all the credit for this whole Gerbil Scuba Gear thing. I was the one who dropped the gerbil in the fish tank to begin with! You’re wearing a suit, please, I need your advice… Exec: Uh, well, why not take the initiative and do some marketing yourself. Show her what you got. Gareth: Yeah! (a beat) How do I do that? Exec: Well, I think I can get in contact with a potential investor so that’s a bonus in your favor. Here give me your number...(Gareth writes down number). Great, I’ll give you a call. Gareth: Excellent. What should I do in the meantime? Exec: Uh...in the meantime...(notices "Advanced Marketing for Morons" book and gives it to Gareth), this will help you get started on a proposal to show the investor. Gareth: Oh man, this is great! Thank you so much! [Gareth is about to leave.] Exec: Wait. (tosses Gareth a crayon) Here, you’ll need this. Gareth: (reading crayon) "Strawberry Mille Feuille"...thanks man! [Gareth exits. Exec sits down and picks up phone and dials.] Exec: Wow...now that I’ve met my target consumer in person...I actually do care. (into phone) Hello. Yes, this is David Duchovny calling...get me Richard Gere on the line. [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
