|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Penny.....Amy Poehler Jeff.....Topher Grace Apple King.....Rachel Dratch Mr. Cofax.....Chris Parnell [Open to bare walled classroom, with a white board at the front of the class and 16 desks arranged in four rows of four facing a basic, wood desk scattered with a few stacks of paper and a black corded phone. In the far corner of the room is a standing, plastic skeleton. Mr. Cofax [Parnell] is on the phone, Penny [Poehler] sits in one of the desks calmly going through her day planner. Jeff [Grace] is playing paper football using two pencils taped to the desk as goal posts. Mr. Cofax hangs up the phone.] Mr. Cofax: The results for the class presidential elections of Evergreen High are in. [Penny and Jeff look at Mr. Cofax expectantly, eager to hear the results but at the same time completely confident that they will win.] Mr. Cofax: As this school's administrator of the Associated Student Body program it is my responsibility to inform you that one of you won, by only two votes. [Jeff and Penny inhale, slightly nervous but each still positive of their own victory.] Mr. Cofax: Congratulations, to our new class president, Jeff. Jeff: Yes! Yes! I knew it! (To Penny) You suck! You lost! You did not win! You are a loser! Loo-hoo-ser! [Running through desks] He runs down the field [Fakes left] fakes left [Fakes right, settles in front of the desk with the pencils taped on, sets up a paper football kick] he shoots [Kicks] and scores! [The shot misses] Whatever, I still won. Mr. Cofax: By two votes. Penny: Mr. Cofax, the voice of our student body was not heard. Only two votes are costing half of this student body to not be served as a result of this election. I think we should recount. What if there was an error? Jeff: It's just counting, how do you mess that up? No one can mess that up. You loser! Penny: How many fingers am I holding up? [Holds up 7 fingers, no thumbs, really quickly and hides them behind her back.] Jeff: Um .. do you count the thumb? Penny: There were no thumbs up. Jeff: [Counts in his head] Four? Penny: Wrong! How could you be so wrong? It's only counting, and yet you were wrong! Incorrect, what you said was not the right thing to say. [To Mr. Cofax] As I have plainly just demonstrated, this system is full of countless opportunities for error. I think every vote counts and every vote should be counted. Again. Mr. Cofax: You don't need to make speeches. It's school policy to have a recount. Jeff: I agree, I think winning twice would be great. We should definitely do it. Mr. Cofax: I just said it was school policy and it had to happen. Jeff: See, Penny, I get things done. [Mr. Cofax picks up the phone.] Penny: Moron. Jeff: Loser. [Mr. Cofax hangs up the phone.] Mr. Cofax: The results for the class presidential elections are in. One of you won. Penny: [Quickly] Will you get on with it? Mr. Cofax: Jeff, you won again. Jeff: Yes! I am a winner! I've won twice! Do you know what that makes you? Penny: A loser? Jeff: A double loser! You lost twice! I am so excited; I've got all this excited tension. Mr. Cofax: Jeff you only won by half a vote. Jeff: Who cares? I won! [Runs over to skeleton.] Hey baby, today's your lucky day - I'm a winner. [Forcing the skeleton's jaw to move and speaking in a higher voice] How does that make my day lucky? [In his normal voice] You're boney and so am I. [Dips the skeleton and begins to kiss it.] Penny: Gross, this is who will be running our school? Mr. Cofax: Looks like it. Penny: How do you win by half a vote anyway? Jeff: [To Skeleton] You're easier than winning this election - twice! [He reaches up where the breasts would be, when the door flies open. There stands Apple King (Dratch) wearing a yellow turtleneck under overalls and large out of date glasses and sporting a stuffed line green Jansport backpack.] Apple: I'm here. Penny: Why? [Jeff slowly steps away from the Skeleton, miming "I'll call you."] Apple: Didn't you wonder how there could be only a winner by only half a vote? Jeff: No. Penny: Yeah. Apple: I tore my vote in half and gave it to that kid Mrs. Hunter keeps in the closet. The other half of my vote, if voted, would either make the election a tie and force a revote or it could solidify the winner. Who wants my vote? [Pointed look at Jeff.] Penny: Have I told you that you look pretty today? Because you do, you look really pretty. Not nearly as fat as yesterday. [Gasp] Apple: [Exhales] I'm writing a J down on my vote. Jeff: I'll nail you. Apple: Really? Jeff: A birdhouse, I make really decorative ones. Apple: Can I come and watch your muscles as you make a decorative birdhouse? Jeff: Sure, but when you're in my house you can't touch anything. Apple: [Dream like] Are you germophobic like me? Jeff: No, you smell a little. Penny: No! Mr. Cofax, this is wrong and immoral and it makes me lose again. Mr. Cofax: Technically this is against school policy, but I'm going to be honest; I only like school policy when it's boring and regards things like recounts. Penny: We should have another recount; a hand recount of her class room only. If there was one kid in the closet, maybe there are others. Shouldn't their votes count? Mr. Cofax: In theory, but -- Penny: Make it in actuality, it's policy that every vote to be counted is actually counted. Jeff: That's not policy. Apple: Actually it is; the rotary club enacted it last week as its official goodwill legislation. Penny: Let's get those votes counted. Mr. Cofax: Alright. [He picks up the phone.] Jeff: You're just going to lose again. Apple: [Cuddling up to Jeff] Yeah, you are. Jeff: Uh .. don't touch me. Apple: Sorry. Mr. Cofax: [Hangs up the phone.] They've counted but they're bringing the tallied votes in here to tell us the answer. [The door opens and three extras enter carrying a folded up piece of paper and a shoe box with "Votes" written on it in black sharpie over duct tape. They set the box down on the desk and then hand the folded paper to Mr. Cofax.] Mr. Cofax: Well, it looks like, Penny is the winner. Penny: Ha! Mr. Cofax: By 130 votes. But there are only 30 kids in the class. How can that be? Jeff: She cheated! Apple: Are you still going to let me watch you build a birdhouse? Penny: [Standing in front of the box while the three girls stand behind her writing on vote slips and putting them into the box.] I don't know what you are talking about. This is the true will of people. They've spoken, they want me. [One girl hands Mr. Cofax a second piece of folded paper.] Mr. Cofax: Correction, it appears that you've now won by 261 votes. Apple: [Takes a large yellow helmet out of her backpack and places it on her head.] I'm ready to travel. [Jeff and Apple exit.] Penny: I feel so blessed. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
