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Mr. Fingerbottom.....Will Forte Mrs. Fingerbottom.....Rachel Dratch Clarence.....Paul Giametti [Scene: Brown, non-descript background. Mr. Fingerbottom and Mrs. Fingerbottom enter the scene wearing sky-diving outfits sans parachutes which they have just finished extricating themselves from.] Mrs. Fingerbottom: (taking off her helmet) Oh Harold, I can’t believe this. We’ve fallen into the Grand Canyon. And on our honeymoon! Mr. Fingerbottom: Yes, in retrospect, sky diving over the Grand Canyon on a windy day, was a bad idea... Mrs. Fingerbottom: Oh Harold, whatever shall we do? Mr. Fingerbottom: Hope for a miracle dear. Clarence: Hey! Who the hell are you guys? Mr. Fingerbottom: Why, hello there. I...I don’t believe it, another human being! My name is Harold Fingerbottom and this is my wife Louisa. Clarence: Yeah, well this is private property so...get lost. Mr. Fingerbottom: You...you own the Grand Canyon? Clarence: Not the entire canyon you idiot. Just this bottom section for as far as the eye can see...and I have 20/20 vision. Now get out of my sight. And don’t think I can’t see around corners! Mrs. Fingerbottom: Honey...I think he may be mad. Clarence: Hey, I heard that...and yeah I am crazy...I’m so crazy they don’t even have a name for it yet. I’m also bitter, angry, and resigned to nothingness. So you...you better get off my property! Mr. Fingerbottom: Certainly...but sir, before we go, please tell us, how came you to such a fate? Clarence: It all started when my girl left me...afterwards my best friend left to become a freedom fighter in Nicaragua...(shaking his head) my Sea Monkeys proved terribly disappointing. I was left with nothing...I had no one. No one who understood me, no one to relate to. I got so disillusioned with everything, I went to see some psychologists. They had me pumped up with a near fatal dosage of prozac, serotonin and St. John's Wort...but when I looked at those inkblots you know what I told them...I told them it looked like my mother and father having sex....and u know what they said: (imitating psychologists) ’You sick bastard!’, and then they told me to get the hell out of there. Mrs. Fingerbottom: Oh Harold...I feel faint... Mr. Fingerbottom: It will be alright dear. We’re pretty much screwed anyways, so we may as well let him finish. (to Clarence) Do go on. Clarence: I decided to take a little vacation to clear my head. Grand Canyon seemed like a nice place. I came across a ‘travel by ass’ sight seeing place called Luke’s Adventure Trails. At that moment I thought ‘What better way to clear my head than to spend a day riding an ass in the great outdoors?’. I felt like it would be a turning point in my life...and it was I guess. You see, the regular ass handler was away. (angry glare) His name was Harold too. Mrs. Fingerbottom: Oh Har...uh...(to Clarence) go on... Clarence: Anyways, I ended up with a mishandled ass. An ass no man should have ever been on. The more I yelled it’s name, the faster it ran towards the canyon. I just kept yelling it’s name hoping it would stop...but it didn’t. And I’ve lived here ever since. That was five years ago. I don’t suppose anyone even bothered to look for me... Mr. Fingerbottom: Tragic indeed. Say, how did u survive the fall? Clarence: I was very fortunate. A cargo plane filled with packing peanuts sprung a gas leak earlier that morning and was forced to dump it’s cargo in order to preserve fuel. If it hadn’t been for that lucky break, I’d have been injured for sure. Mr. Fingerbottom: What a sad fate...to live out the best years of your life in a hole. Clarence: You got a problem with my hole mister? Mr. Fingerbottom: No, it's a nice hole. Clarence: Oooh I see. So you want my hole... Mr. Fingerbottom: Look, if I wanted a hole I'd go stand in that hole. Clarence: First of all...that hole is too small for living in. Second of all, that's where I keep my ass. Mr. Fingerbottom: What? Clarence: As I told you, I fell down while I was riding an ass. We both survived. I live in this person hole. That's my ass hole over there, and I don't want you anywhere near it. Mr. Fingerbottom: So, you have an actual ass that lives in that hole next to you? Clarence: Yes. (suspiciously) But tell me, why the sudden interest in my ass hole, Mr. Fingerbottom? Mr. Fingerbottom: Look, I have no interest in your ass hole all right. But if I could ask...where is your ass? Clarence: He ran away. We had a fight last week and he went up that path over there. My ass hole has been empty ever since. Mrs. Fingerbottom: A path? Does that lead up to the surface? Look, please...stop crying. I'm...I'm sorry about your ass running away. Clarence: (sobbing) Sometimes I just crawl into my ass hole and cry. Oh why did my ass leave me...my ass was noisy and smelly...but oh how I luved him. Mr. Fingerbottom: Please good sir, you're not the first man to cry over an empty ass hole. (defensively) Granted, it seems a bit odd to me personally...and it’s definitely not something I can empathize with... Mrs. Fingerbottom: (interrupting) Perhaps we could go find him for you. Clarence: Bah, I’m better off alone. Mr. Fingerbottom: Please, just show us which path he took. We want to try and make it to the surface. Perhaps we can find your ass and ride it until we reach the summit. Then we’ll send someone down for you. Spending your life in a hole is no way to live good sir. Clarence: The path is over there, find it for yourself. Sorry if I can’t be more help but my ‘caring’ chip burned out a long time ago and I had it replaced with an emotionally cheaper ‘I don’t give a crap’ chip. Good luck to you both. Mrs. Fingerbottom: (to Clarence, pointing at the rock border around the hole) I luv what you did with the rock borders... [Clarence doesn’t respond.] Mr. Fingerbottom: (to Clarence) Thank you. Let’s go dear. [Mr. Fingerbottom and Mrs. Fingerbottom exit.] Clarence: Fools. They’ll learn the hard way. You don’t pin all your hopes and dreams on an ass named Kamikaze. [Fade Out to Super Furry Animal’s ‘The Man Don’t Give a ****’] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
