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Eric.....Paul Giamatti Susan.....Amy Poehler Elaine.....Rachel Dratch Gary.....Finesse Mitchell Bob.....Chris Parnell (The scene begins with Eric sitting in a glass booth in front of a microphone in a JCPenney's shopping store, he is wearing a JCPenny's shirt and vest reading off announcements.) Eric: Good afternoon shoppers welcome to JCPenney's today in our perfume department all of our Calvin Klein products are on sale today for up to 40% percent off. Just go see Susan in Cosmetics and she will be more than happy to assist you. Also don't forget to wish her a happy 28th birthday. Her parents passed away recently and her birthday party this year will most likely involve her buying a carvel cake and eating it at home by herself so be sure to wish her happy birthday and give her a reason to come to work tomorrow. Also be sure to head on over to our kids section where our latest infant apparel is on sale buy one, get one free. Elaine over in the kids department will be more than willing to help you find what you are looking for. Be sure to congratulate Elaine on her 5th anniversary as a JCPenney's sales associate. She needs the encouragement since her husband of 10 years just left her for a street whore on Coney Island. She may not be having any legitimate kids of her own but she'll know just what to get for your kid to make him the talk of the schoolyard. I'm Eric your JCPenney's radio host and I'll be back in just a bit to tell you more about our great sales. (Eric stands up and walks out of his glass booth to take a break. He is then confronted by two ladies, Susan and Elaine.) Susan: Dammit Eric what the hell do you think you're doing? Eric: What, what's the problem? Susan: You just told a store full of people that my parents are dead! Eric: So? Susan: That kind of stuff is private. Eric: Susan, can't you cut me a bit of a break here, I am just flying by the seat of my pants here. Management expects me to talk a little bit about everybody's lives. They think that helps make a connection with the customers so that they'll keep on coming back. Elaine: Did you really think that everybody needed to know I was dumped for a Coney Island whore?! Eric: Hey, I just thought it was funny and that it would help the customers forget about their problems, and hey it might just help you get a few more dates. Elaine: I can get dates by myself thank you Eric. Eric: Look Elaine I caught you in the changing room a couple weeks ago and trust me you need all of the help that you can get. Elaine: Oh that is it, you are gone Eric. Susan: Yeah we're getting the boss, we'll see what he thinks about this. Eric: Well you go ahead and do that girls, my break's over. (Elaine and Susan storm off away from Eric. Eric then gets back into his booth.) Eric: Good afternoon JCPenney's shoppers this is your JCPenney's DJ Eric again. Be sure to check out all of the great sales that we are having today. Also be sure to check out the brand new suits that just came in our men's department for you or a loved one. Just ask for Brian, he'll be more than glad to help you. In fact Brian is also secretly offering to fit your suit for you and measure you as well, especially the in-seam. He used to pretend that it was part of the standard JCPenney's experience but then people started catching on. In fact that's one of the reasons we had to take him out of the kids section of our store. But thank god for technicalities in the legal system, if you know what I am saying. Well stay tuned to JCPenney's radio for more great buys. (Eric turns off his mike and is startled when the men's apparel associate, Gary, starts banging on his booth, Eric steps out.) Eric: Hey be careful man, that booth's expensive. Gary: What the hell do you think you're doing?! I never fondled anyone! Eric: Its okay Gary I am not judging you, under the eyes of the law you are an innocent man. Gary: Oh that's it now I am going to have to kick your ass! (Gary picks Eric up by the shirt collar getting set to punch him, when Sarah, Elaine, and the manager walk up to them.) Eric: Oh thank goodness you're here Chris, Gary was just about to assault me. Bob: Gary calm down, now Eric I just heard about what you were doing on the intercom and I am afraid that I am going to have to ask you to stop giving out personal information about the other employees. I am going to have to ask you to stick with the script from now on. Eric: Oh come on Chris I haven't talked about everybody's secrets over the intercom, I still haven't told any one about your upcoming sex change Chris-tina. Bob: Well be that as it may, times have changed. Eric: Well sure times have changed but that doesn't mean we have to change. (Patriotic music begins to play.) Eric: But I think we have an obligation to be honest to our customers. Sure we could be like all the other companies out their, lying about where our products came from and how hard we beat the children to make it. But JCPenney's should be better than that. We should be open, let them know when our spouses leave us, our parents die, and that we like to feel up strangers. We shouldn't be ashamed. Our customers need to know why the Petsmart on the other side of the mall doesn't let me buy gerbils anymore. We all have problems and if the customers know this they're bound to come back again and again and then finally we'll have enough credit card numbers that we can hit the local ATM's and live the rest of our lives in sunny Mexico. (The patriotic music has ended and everyone is teary eyed, especially Chris.) Bob: Eric that's the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. You just keep telling them about our sales any way you see fit, god bless you son, now I have to go to cosmetics and see what eye shadow compliments my face. (Susan, Elaine, and Gary pat Eric on the back in support of his speech, Eric then happily walks back into his booth.) Eric: Attention JCPenney's shoppers be sure to check out our furniture department where sofa's are at rock-bottom prices, just ask for Jeff. Also don't look Jeff directly in the eye or he'll think you're a demon, you see he suffers from bi-polar and he's really nuts… End Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
