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Andy... Seth Meyers Chris... Finesse Mitchell Hannah... Maya Rudolph Ashley... Amy Poehler Principal... Paul Giamatti Mr. Miller... Will Forte Mr. Matthews... Darrell Hammond (Ext -- A typical high school) (Int -- Open on a math classroom. The students are milling about, waiting for their teacher.) Andy: ...and he said he only weighed 200 pounds, and I was like "Yeah, well, what about your other kneecap?" (He and Chris laugh.) Chris: Dude, I think I said the same thing to your mom last night. Ohh! You got served! (high-fives another student) (Hannah leans over towards the boys.) Hannah: Hey, do you guys know where Mr. Matthews is? Andy: I don't know. I heard he had to go take his girlfriend to get an abortion. Chris: I heard he was having a penis transplant. Ashley: I heard he was going to see "Racing Stripes." (The other three students show disgust.) Chris: That's just sick! (The principal enters.) Principal: Students, students, calm down. As most of you know, Mr. Matthews will not be here today, due to ... unforeseen circumstances. (The students giggle.) Principal: (confused) Umm...yes, unforeseen, hilarious. Anyway, your substitute, Mr. Miller, will be in here soon. Now, you might be interested to know that Mr. Miller used to be a senator and once spoke at the Republican National Convention. (Some of the students look interested.) Principal: (leaning out the door) Mr. Miller, come on in! (Mr. Miller, better known as Zell Miller, walks in.) Mr. Miller: (screaming) Hello, students! (The principal exits with haste. Mr. Miller sits at the desk.) Mr. Miller: Do any of youknowwhat today'slesson planis? Ashley: (raises hand) Uh, I think we're supposed to be grading last night's homework. Mr. Miller: Homework! (face gets progressively redder and redder) You know whatIthink ofhomework? WhenIwas growing up, ourhomeworkwas calledlife!We had tobuild our own housesout ofteabagsanddog droppings!We didn'thavehomework aboutnumbers! Chris: Yeah, it was just Roman numbers back then, right? Mr. Miller: Don'tbacktalkme!(takes out answer sheet)What'sthe answer to numbertwo? Hannah: Umm...five? Mr. Miller: Wrong! It's atrue or falsequestion! Where I come from, if someone tried to pull off such astupid answer, we'dbox their earsand make 'emsqueal like a piggie!You gonnasquealfor me, woman? (wheezes in and out) Andy: Mr. Miller, you're turning scarlet. Mr. Miller: What'd you say to me,scum? Andy: Never mind. Can we get back to our homework? Mr. Miller: Youkidsdon't knowanythingabout thereal world! You justwatch televisionand makehomemade pornography! WhenIwanted to have fun, we had toget on horsesandride down this long road to Main Streetjust toshout insults at people with pockets!Are youlistening? (He walks up to Hannah and Ashley, who are talking.) Mr. Miller: Payattention,youharlot! (slams fist down on their table) Hannah: How do you know my middle name? Mr. Miller: That's notimportant! What isimportantis thepaycheckI'm getting for this! Chris: That's what your mom said to me last night. Mr. Miller: Care torepeatthat? Chris: (kind of scared now) Y-You heard me. Mr. Miller: Mymotheris asaint! You'reluckyI don'tswitch your testicles with your eyes,you littlehooker!Nowwhat'd'ya wanna say tomeeee? Chris: I think you need medical help. Mr. Miller: I wouldn'tneedmedical help if thisschoolwasn'thomosexual!I walkedall the waypast themetal detectorsand I still couldn't get myM&Msanywhere, not even thepeanutones, not even in thevending machines!This heathen school doesn't sellchocolate!Chocolate! (As he repeats the word "chocolate," various clips of stock footage are shown: birds flying out of trees, glass shattering, buildings falling over, etc.) (Mr. Matthews, AKA Chris Matthews, enters, shaking his head.) Mr. Matthews: My God, Miller. Last time I heard yelling that loud, I was staying in the hotel room next to Johns Kerry and Edwards. Mr. Miller: Dammit,Matthews! You're alwaysinterrupting me! Chris: Mr. Matthews, who is this guy? Mr. Matthews: This is Zell Miller, a mentally diagnosed crazy person. Mr. Miller: You never didacceptmy challenge to aduel, Matthews!Remember?! Mr. Matthews: They made Ritalin for people like you. Mr. Miller: You'llregretthat, youpantywaist!If you strike me down I shall become morepowerfulthan you canpossibly imagine! Mr. Matthews: You fell asleep watching Star Wars again, didn't you? Mr. Miller: Silence! Mr. Matthews: Get outta here, you nut job, or I'm gonna start yellin' even more. (Mr. Miller rips the answer sheet in half and runs through the wall, leaving a Forte-sized hole. Mr. Matthews sighs and sits on his desk.) Andy: That guy was crazy. Mr. Matthews: Yeah, sorry about that. By the way, don't see "Racing Stripes." Ashley: It's okay, Mr. Matthews. At least we didn't have Mr. O'Reilly again. (Hannah and Ashley shudder.) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
