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...Paul Giamatti ...Lorne Michaels ...Will Forte Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Giamatti! (APPLAUSE) Paul Giamatti: Thank you, thank you very much! Let me tell you, it feels kind of stange to be doing a show from this building, 30 Rock, let alone this room. And by (AIR QUOTES) "Strange", I don't mean that it's weird that a indie actor like myself is hosting Saturday Night Live. Even though I am in a movie right now, doing very well, called "Sideways" (APPLAUSE BEGINS) Which just won Two Golden Globes...(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)...And that's all I'm going to say about "Sideways" tonight, besides that's not why I feel this way. Few people care to know this, but just a couple of floors down from this spot, is this very cramp looking room filled with all sorts of electrical equipment, and this room is encased by this glass wall. That room is the master control room for the entire National Broadcasting Company that we like to call NBC. but back in the 1980s, it was the studio where the old NBC radio network was located. And as avid followers of my film career know, I played a guy named "Pig Vomit" in a little film called "Private Parts"... (BIGGER APPLAUSE THAN FOR "SIDEWAYS") We'll get to all the movies before the show's over. Anyway, I find it significant that I happen to be performing right above the actual place where Howard Stern once called his on-air home, and...(PAUSES A SECOND, LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) If it's OK with you, how would you like to see this spot right now? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS IN APPROVAL) You would? Well in that case, come with me right this way. (GIAMATTI BEGINS TO WALK OUT OF STUDIO 8H, CAMERA FOLLOWS HIM) I can't wait to show you this place, it's so full of history and...uh, wires and a whole lot of stuff. (GIAMATTI WALKS PAST THE STUDIO ENTRANCE WHEN WILL FORTE STOPS HIM.) Will Forte: Hey, Paul! Paul Giamatti: Hey, Will! Don't you have to get ready for the next Bush Inauguration sketch? Will Forte: That's not for a few minutes, I can always do quick change in Amy's dressing room; and no, she doesn't mind! What about you, are you done with the monolouge? Paul Giamatti: Actually, I'm in the middle of it right now. I'm about to head downstairs and show everybody the room where Howard Stern used to work, it's now the NBC master control room. Will Forte: Does Lorne know? Paul Giamatti: I'm sure he's OK with it. Wanna come with? Will Forte: (HESITANT) Well... Paul Giamatti: C'mon, it'll be fun! Every single NBC affiliate is on the air at the same time in there. Will Forte: Does that mean I can actually watch the NBC stations that doesn't air the show while the show is running right now? Paul Giamatti: Absolutly! Will Forte: Great, (THEY BEGIN TO HEAD FOR THE ELEVATORS) I heard that there's an affiliate that plays nothing but "What's Happening!!" reruns for 90 minutes on saturdays, but I never found out if that station even exists. Paul Giamatti: Well then, there's only one way to find out. To the Elevators! (AS WILL AND PAUL RUN OFF, THE "SNL" LOGO ZOOMS IN AND OUT RAPIDLY, A LA BATMAN. CUT TO WILL AND PAUL ARIVING ON THE 2ND FLOOR OF ROCKEFELLER PLAZA WHERE THE CONTROL ROOM IS LOCATED. ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS, PAUL AND WILL EMERGE.) Paul Giamatti: OK, it should be around here somewhere...(LOOKS AROUND A BIT) There it is! (PAUL AND WILL APPROACH A GLASS WALL WITH VARIOUS TELEVISION EQUIPMENT ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE.) Paul Giamatti: Get a load of this, every single NBC affiliate, including the cable, foreign, and even networks that isn't entirely owned by NBC are all running in that room. Just imagine, as we're speaking right now, we are watching ourselves! And to think, that's the same room where Howard Stern used to verbally assault Don Imus on a constant basis. Will Forte: Paul, Look! The legends are true! (CUT TO A SHOT OF ONE OF THE MONITORS PLAYING AN EPISODE OF "WHAT'S HAPPENING!!") Will Forte: (CONTINUES) From the looks of it...(SQUINTS, EXCITED) Oh, wow! It's the episode where Dwayne says *"Hey, hey, hey!" (PAUL GIVES WILL A QUIZICAL LOOK) Paul Giamatti: Will, he said that in every episode; it's his catch prhase, of course he's going to say "Hey, hey, hey". Anyway, Just calm down, It's only a run of the mill sitcom from the 70s, don't get too excited. Will Forte: (OFFENDED) It may be run of the mill to you, Mr. Critical acclaim; but to me, I was raised on that show! I used to love it when little Dee said "Ooh, I'm gonna tell mama!" (GIGGLES IDIOTICALY) Paul Giamatti: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) And you got this job, How? Will Forte: Well, I was a producer on "That 70's show", and then I... Paul Giamatti: (INTERRUPTS WILL) I was being sarcastic, Will. Will Forte: I wasn't. (IMPATIENT) Oh, I'm gonna go inside and watch Rerun ruin everything, just like old times! Paul Giamatti: Whoa, whoa! Don't even think about it! If even one wire is touched in there, we could be trading places with Telemundo and not even know it! Will Forte: (DEFIANT) Paul, I think I know how to handle electrical equipment. After all, I do play the President of the United States! Paul Giamatti: That's got to be the most irrelevant thing I have ever heard! What does that have to do with TV equipment? Will Forte: I don't know, but it sounded cool to say. Paul Giamatti: OK, fine, but if someone from the network sees this, and chances are that they're seeing this right now, heads will roll. Will Forte: So, I can go in? Paul Giamatti: Who am I to say? Will Forte: All Right! Here I come Rerun! (WILL APPROACHES A DOOR THAT SAYS "NBC MASTER CONTROL: KEEP OUT" WHILE WARBLING THE "WHAT'S HAPPENING!!" THEME SONG. AS WILL TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR, AN ALARM GOES OFF CAUSING WILL TO JUMP INTO PAUL'S ARMS IN FRIGHT.) Will Forte: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! What's going on? Paul Giamatti: (IN PAIN) Get off of Me, you fool! (LIES DOWN ON THE FLOOR) Great, my back gave out and I got to be in a sketch in 5 minutes, what the hell were you thinking, Will? Will Forte: (SHEEPISH) Sorry, Paul, but the alarm was scary! Paul Giamatti: (MIMICING WILL) Oh, the alarm was scary. (NORMAL TONE) I told you not to go near the door, now look what you did. (JUST THEN, A LIVID LORNE MICHAELS APPROACHES) Lorne Michaels: Will, Paul, what the hell is the meaning of this?! Paul Giamatti: I can explain everything, Lorne... Lorne Michaels: No, Paul, you don't have to; When you're a host, you're immune to being questioned unless it's by writers in our audience. Will Forte: (TO HIMSELF SARCASTICALY) Lucky, you! Lorne Michaels: As for you, I ought to fire you right here and now! (PAUSES A BIT) But unfortunately, you, Riggle and "Fat Albert..." Will Forte: Hey, he has a name! Lorne Michaels: Whatever, the point is that you're one of the few good cast members I have. And since I can't fire you, Your punishment is that you can't play President Bush for 5 sketches! Will Forte: OK, fine, there's 7 inauguration sketches tonight and I already did one! Lorne Michaels: OK, in addition to that, you are banned from playing "Zell Miller" for the rest of this season. Will Forte: That's cool, My throat was getting too sore from yelling, anyway. Lorne Michaels: (THINKING A LITTLE) And you won't get that red beret autographed by the late Fred "Rerun" Berry that I won on eBay for you as an end of the season gift in May. Will Forte: (OUTRAGED) What?! Lorne Michaels: Besides, Keenan is the odds on favorite for the role of Rerun in "What's Happening!!" movie, it looks better on him anyway. Paul Giamatti: (TRYING TO GET UP FROM THE GROUND) It's tough, but fair. Will Forte: (BEGINS A TANTRUM) No it's not! I deserve that beret! I'm a bigger "What's Happening!!" fan than Jeff Zucker, and he's got a tattoo of Shirley Hemphill on his... (AS FORTE FINISHES HIS SENTENCE, HE ACCIDENTIALLY LEANS ON THE DOOR TO THE CONTROL ROOM, FALLING INSIDE IN THE PROCESS. Paul Giamatti: Will, look out! Lorne Michaels: Look out! (WILL FALLS INTO THE ROOM. JUST THEN, A BRIEF SECOND OF STATIC IS ON SCREEN, FOLLOWED BY BRIEF BLIPS OF FOOTAGE FROM THE OTHER NBC UNIVERSAL NETWORKS--CNBC, SCI-FI, TELEMUNDO, ETC.--UNTIL WE RETURN TO THE CONTROL ROOM AND WILL, PAUL AND LORNE.) (AT THIS POINT, ALL PERFORMERS ARE "SPEAKING" IN SPANISH. IN THE INTERST OF TIME, ALL ITALICIZED DIALOUGE REPRESENTS ENGLISH SUBTITLES WHILE THE VOICES OF THE PERFORMERS ARE DUBBED OVER IN SPANISH.) Paul Giamatti: I told you that this was going to happen, but no! You had to go in and watch your precious second rate sitcoms, don't you know that that stupid show is on DVD? Will Forte: (AWKWARDLY) I know now. Lorne Michaels: Look, Will, you've caused enough trouble. Get back upstairs before security finds you. (FORTE LEAVES WITH HIS HEAD HANGING DOWN SADLY WHISLING THE "WHAT'S HAPPENING!!" THEME JUST AS NBC TECHNICIANS ARIVE) Lorne Michaels: As for you, Paul, This was you're idea to be down here. Would you mind telling me why? Paul Giamatti: (HESITATING) Uh...I was "Pig Vomit"? Lorne Michaels: (TO HIMSELF) I should've asked Goodman to host this week. (NORMAL TONE) Look, we have a show to do, put a heating pad on you or something and come back upstairs. (LORNE WALKS OFF) Paul Giamatti: (ADDRESSING CAMERA AS HE WALKS TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR.) OK, so I guess I picked the wrong time to be a little nostalgic. I, for one, was looking for the NBC affiliate that had reruns of "Sanford and Son". Anyway, as I hobble back upstairs, watch the show, we have a great one tonight, Ludacris with Sum 41 are here. (APPLAUSE) And god willing, we'll be right back. (CONTINUES TO HOBBLE DOWN THE HALLWAY WHISTLING THE THEME TO "SANFORD AND SON") Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
