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Mark Jennings Reese & Prateek Srivastava.
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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Michael Jackson’s #1 fan.....Rob Riggle Former President Bush.....Fred Armisen Paris Hilton.....Maya Rudolph Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. President Bush, addressing the nation during his second inauguration celebration on Thursday, said, “It is my plan, in my second term, to rid society of the world’s worst tyrants.” Moments later, government officials cuffed the President, and he is still being held in custody without bail. This past Tuesday, C-SPAN aired daylong coverage of Condoleeza Rice’s interview for the Secretary of State position, in front of the Senate. Several questions that were asked covered major issues, such as terrorism and Iraq. One question I’m sure was on the minds of all the male senators: “Are they real?” Amy Poehler: Dick Cheney has stated that he had misjudged the speed of Iraq recovery, hoping it would have become a democratic state much sooner. He also announced that he, as well as others, misjudged the speed of the U.S. actually winning the war. In HealthWatch Journal, it has been confirmed that cancer is the top U.S. killer, surpassing heart disease. Over the years HealthWatch Journal has covered many top killers including heart disease, stroke, pneumonia, as well as ancient issues of the magazine that included being trampled to death by a horse-drawn carriage, stoning for heresy, and beheading, which were all top killers. Tina Fey: This week it was reported that the final U.S. intelligence report regarding WMD's will be released. Apparently in this report it will finally be revealed that they weren't looking for weapons of mass destruction but instead President Bush was asking "Where's My Dog?" Speaking of dogs, a recent health study has shown that exercise and a good diet helps keep older dogs spry, as well as not cutting off their genitalia. Amy Poehler: A bus driver for the Dave Matthews Band has been charged for wreckless behavior and littering after dumping 800 pounds of human waste on a sightseeing boat last summer. The charges were dropped however after further evidence showed that it was actually Last Comic Standing's Ralphie May taking a much-needed nap. It was reported that Charlton Heston threw an angry tantrum on a plane flight to his family's house. After dropping his fruit cup on the carpet, he went ballistic trying to find that "damn, dirty grape." Tina Fey: News from Winnipeg, where a drug dealer was arrested after he left a backpack full of crack cocaine in a local mall. When mall attendants were questioned about the incident they told police they had just been eating a lot of powdered donuts. This week doctors discovered that radiation, along with surgery and chemotherapy, can increase a woman's survival prospects battling breast cancer, that or give you a 3rd boob. Amy: Poehler: In environmental news this week, the Republic of Congo has flown five endangered rhinos to safety in order to protect them from local poachers. To further ensure their safety, local government officials have forced poachers to watch "Racing Stripes", which has led to mass suicide. On the global front, it has been reported that the world's largest iceberg has run aground near Antarctica. This situation poses problems for the survival of the local penguin habitats. On the plus side, though, expect a huge increase in Penguin burgers. Tina Fey: Prince Harry recently wore the Nazi symbol on his clothes. As punishment, Prince Charles has ordered Prince Harry to visit the Nazi death-camp Auschwitz. But do you really want to send someone interested in the Nazis to a death-camp. Don’t you think he’ll get ideas, very bad ideas. Amy Poehler: Many celebs have contributed to the tsunami efforts. Most recently was Celine Dion pledging 1 million dollars to UNICEF. That’s great but I’m waiting for Michael Jackson to give to UNICEF. He’ll be like (In her MJ voice) "I’ll pledge one billion dollars and all the lollipops from Happy World. I’ll fly down to scary-land take all the kiddies away. We’ll fly to Never Land, fly away, and we’ll snuggle. Hee hee hee!" Offstage Voice: Boo! Aw is that the best joke you can come up with. Michael Jackson loves little boys, ooh how original (sarcastic) Tina Fey: (confused) Who was that? (Enter - A pudgy man with a white tank-top with Mike’s mug-shot pic on it. He’s got on sweat-pants with a purple pattern and old sneakers) Michael’s #1 fan: I am Michael Jackson’s #1 fan. (Amy and Tina start to crack up) Tina Fey: You’re his number one fan. Amy Poehler: Are you honestly trying to protest our jokes about MJ? Michael’s fan: Yeah. How dare you insult the prince of pop. I don’t care what anybody says, he can still put on a show. Tina Fey: (in between laughs) Oh it’s a show all right, up until he needs to take a break and rearrange his lips and nose! Amy Poehler: I bet you’re still a virgin. He’s a virgin right! (She starts laughing hysterically) Tina Fey: Honestly, get a look at his outfit everyone! (Camera focuses in on his tank-top and purple pants.) Amy Poehler: Hey... Mr. Zebra print pants, did you honestly want to come out on national tv looking like a reject from a Boy George video. Tina Fey: (Composes herself) Weekend Update has been doing Michael Jackson jokes forever. Why did you decide to protest now? Michael’s fan: Because, those boys are lying. They are probably just out for some money. Tina Fey: You do realize he admitted to letting boys sleep in his bed. Michael’s Fan: Okay... so maybe he did sleep with them. But I don’t care if he slept with an entire elementary school. I still love- (he stops himself) Tina Fey: What did you say? Michael’s fan: I still respect him. He’s a talented singer. He taught me about love. He taught me that the color of your skin doesn’t matter. HE TAUGHT ME TO DANCE! Tina Fey: You can dance? Michael’s fan: I don’t just dance. (He looks directly at the camera and speaks with essence) I can moonwalk. Amy Poehler: You... can Moon-walk. Michael’s fan: You don’t think I can moon-walk. Is it because I am white? Tina Fey: You’re not white, you’re morbidly white. Michael’s #1 fan: Oh I will prove you all wrong! I spent 300 hundred dollars on this online course. I practiced every day on my mother’s carpet. I can do it! Tina Fey: You tried to moon-walk on the carpet? (Billie Jean pots up and Michael’s number one fan reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a white glove.) Michael’s Fan: Moon-walk!! (He grabs his crotch. He proceeds to dance in front of the update desk. He starts out just shuffling his feet. After a couple minutes tries to moonwalk only to lose his balance. He tries again, but his feet shift backwards and he goes forward. He ends up falling flat onto his face.) OW! Son of a bitch! My nose! My nose is bleeding! Amy Poehler: Maybe you should follow in your hero’s footsteps and get a fake nose. You won’t have to worry about bleeding. (Michael Jackson’s #1 fan gets up and storms off the stage. Amy and Tina crack up once again.) Tina Fey: Why do all these crazy people interrupt Weekend Update? Amy Poehler: I know, this a professional broadcast. Tina Fey: It’s not just professional, but an upstanding news program with a lot of integrity. Amy Poehler: And now it’s time for the "Brad and Jen Breakup" Midget fight. (Two dwarves run in front of the desk and jump into a wading-pool filled with nacho cheese. One dwarf has Brad’s pic on his back the other has Jen’s. They start tumbling and pushing. The crowd cheers and jeers.) Tina Fey: Hey, the dancers are here! (A bunch of male and female exotic dancers start crowding around the desk. Sleazy party music pots up and it becomes dark except for some disco lights. Tina and Amy laugh and begin to dance.) Tina Fey: O.J. Simpson's daughter Sydney was charged Tuesday with resisting arrest without violence, punishable by up to a year in jail, and disorderly conduct, which carries a possible 60-day jail sentence. To which father O.J. merely scoffed and said, "Rookie!" Amy Poehler: People Magazine reports Nearly 3 in 10--or 27%--of thirteen to sixteen year-olds are sexually active and “have been with someone in an intimate or sexual way.” While 4 out of the 10 studied have had a combination of sexual activity and papercuts. While the remaining 3 out of 10 studied have confessed to tawdry affairs with their AOL high speed connections. Tina Fey: Toy maker Hasbro Inc. is releasing its latest Mr. Potato Head figure, Darth Tater. The toy spud will be available next month, ahead of the May release of "Star Wars: Episode III". Not to be outdone, the makers of "Ben and Jerry's" Ice cream is hard at work developing a suitable flavor for their latest variety, "Frozen Yoda." Amy Poehler: South African police have arrested a farmer after they discovered a greenhouse full of marijuana plants - guarded by a snake in a glass cage. While the farmer is expected to recieve up to 5 years in prison, the snake experienced a deadly contact high from the crop by shedding off all of it's skin and shouting "I am the Lizard King!" before swallowing himself whole. Must've been some really bad dope. Tina Fey: Japanese scientists claimed that a mystery ingredient in beer may protect against cancer. As a result, Budweiser now costs $2300 a can and is now being manufactured by Pfizer. Amy Poehler: An autopsy technician misread a number on a body tag, leaving one family without a body to memorialize and another with the wrong person's ashes scattered across the Atlantic Ocean. In a related story, if that family happens to be watching right now...(HOLDS UP AN URN) Please give me a call as soon as possible. Tina Fey: A follow-up to a story we aired just moments ago; A hallucinogenic drug popular in the 1960s could help scientists find a medical treatment for alcoholism. This helps put a kibosh on the price of Budweiser and it's bid to help protect cancer. Cans of Bud are now worth 49 cents, and--up until this moment--new manufacturer Pfizer told the beer to go to hell. Amy Poehler: West Virginia Governor Bob Wise won his black belt in Tae Kwon Do this past weekend. Though he wasn't asked to comment, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “Are you trying to scare me?” to which Governor Wise said, “Bring it on, bitch!” Tina Fey: CBS was forced to fire three news executives and a producer for putting a report together, presented by Dan Rather on "60 Minutes", this past fall. Though they have been fired from CBS, they will be back on the network, next month, as contestants on the new "Survivor: Palau." Good luck! Donald Thompson, a former U.S. state judge, who allegedly used a sex toy called a penis pump in his court, has been charged with three felony counts of indecent exposure by Oklahoma authorities. Adding insult to injury, now everyone knows that the judge has a small penis…and that he’d like to have a bigger one. Amy Poehler: Actor Sylvester Stallone said in the interview this week, “I am promising my fans RAMBO 4!” Stallone said the idea would be a more dramatic, less-action film detailing Rambo’s Vietnam disillusions. Stallone said he got the idea while watching “Born On The Fourth Of July” on cable. The Fox Network is under fire for the depiction of Muslims on the hit series “24”. In a related story, the UPN network is also under fire for their weak scripts and lack of white actors on their shows. Tina Fey: Former "Survivor" contestant Richard Hatch is in hot water with the federal government for failing to report his "Survivor" winnings to the IRS. A spokesperson for the IRS said, "Mr. Hatch may be forced to give us the shirt off his back...which would not be a new experience for him." Amy Poehler: And now here with a new feature called, “That’s HOT”, is the star of “The Simple Life 3”, Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton: Hi. (Ignoring Amy & Tina, listening to her phone) Oh…that’s so hot, Tucker. I have to go. (Ends her phone call) Hi, Tina. Hi, Amy. You girls are sexy…in a geeky kind of way. Amy Poehler: Thank you, Paris. You are here to do your feature “That’s HOT”. Can you get on with it? Paris Hilton: Here are the things I, Paris Hilton, think are hot. That’s HOT. (A picture of Michael Vick playing football) The Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Michael Vick. That’s Hot. (A picture of Michael Moore accepting an award) “Michael Moore’s Go-T”. That’s Hot. (A picture of Randy Jackson making a “dawg” reference) American Idol’s Randy Jackson and his numerous rings. That’s Hot. (A picture of Hal Sparks & Michael Ian Black) Those guys from “I LOVE THE 90’s” shows. That’s Hot. (A picture of President Bush) A guy who can make me feel smart. That’s hot. (A picture of Paris Hilton) A hot chick who will be guest hosting Saturday Night Live in 2 weeks. That’s hot. (A picture of Tina Fey & Amy Poehler) Nerdy chicks who make fun of the news. That’s hot. That’s hot. Good night. Amy Poehler: Paris Hilton, everyone! Our final story tonight, American Idol judge Simon Cowell commented on Beyonce Knowles saying, “She's not sexy, she hasn't got a great body and she's not a great singer." Cowell was later mugged, shot and murdered by several men who work for Jay-Z. Simon Cowell will not be missed. Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
