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Tim.....Fred Armisen Denise.....Paris Hilton Bob.....Kenan Thompson Kate.....Maya Rudolph Guide.....Chris Parnell [ fade in ] [ ext. Safari Car – Day ] [ Car has two rows of seats in the back, Tim and Denise are cozy in one while Bob and Kate hold hands in the other ] Denise: I’m so excited! I’ve heard so much about the Blue Candle Valley Nature Tours. Tim: This should be a lot of fun guys, I’m so glad you two came with us. Bob: No problem, Tim, we’re always looking for something to do. Kate: Thanks for inviting us. [ Guide enters and sits in driver’s seat ] Guide: [ turning around ] On behalf of Blue Candle Valley Nature Tours, I’d like to thank you for joining us today. My name is Howard and I’ll be your guide for the day. We’re going to take a beautiful short trip around the area, and you’ll get to see the best flora and fauna that the Blue Candle Valley has to offer. For your safety, I’d like to ask you to buckle your arms and legs and keep your seatbelts inside the car at all times. [ giggles to himself as he turns around and starts the car ] And we’re off. [ short clip of car driving through meadow ] [ short close-up of cricket chirping ] [ cut back to car, where all members of the tour are freaking out ] Tim: What the heck was that? What the heck was that? What the heck was that? Kate: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. Bob: [ trying to sound convincing ] Everything is OK, we’re going to be fine, it’s just a cricket. If we leave it alone, it will leave us alone. Tim: What the heck was that? Denise: Deep breaths… deep breaths. Tim: What the heck was that? Guide: I assure you, that was nothing to be alarmed about. Please sit back and enjoy the tour. [ short clip of car driving through meadow ] [ short close-up of rabbit yawning ] [ cut back to the car, where everyone is just a little more freaked out ] Tim: What the hell was that? What the hell was that? What the hell was that? Kate: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod [ continues under breath ] Bob: [ trying to be convincing ] I’m a man, I can deal with this, I am not scared. In no way have I just pissed my pants, and I am not thinking of the time when I ran into grandma’s room crying during a thunderstorm only to find her having sex with grandpa. Tim: What the hell was that? Denise: Deep breaths… deep breaths… go to that quiet place inside called Deniseland where no one can touch you… Tim: What the hell was that? Guide: I am a trained professional and I will get us through this! [ short clip of car driving through meadow ] [ short close-up of hummingbird sucking nectar from a flower ] [ cut back to car, where intense freak outs are happening ] Tim: Holy shit, they can fly?!? Holy shit, they can fly?!? Holy shit, they can fly?!? Kate: Why are there no cages on this thing?!? We could be attacked! This is not safe!! Tim: Holy shit, they can fly?!? Bob: [ in a piety only induced by extreme circumstances ] I’m sorry, so sorry. I’m a sinful man, it can’t end like this! I’m so sorry! Denise: [ eyes closed, trying to zone out ] In Deniseland, there’s a train that always runs on schedule and the tickets are all golden rectangles and they taste like peppermint candy. Tim: Holy shit, they can fly?!? Guide: Everyone just shut up!! Stop panicking; I’m going to get us through this. We’ll be alright! [ short clip of car driving through meadow ] [ short close-up of breeze blowing the seeds off a dandelion ] [ cut back to car, intense freak-out is in session again ] Tim: Is there no end to the madness?!? Is there no end to the madness?!? Is there no end to the madness?!? Kate: You’re gonna get us all killed! Bob: [ panicked piety ] I’m so sorry. Two years ago I ran over a “Caution – Deaf Child” street sign! Please forgive me, lord! I had impure thoughts during that Bowflex commercial! Please forgive me! [ pathetic ] Plee-ee-eease! Denise: [ still attempting denial ] In Deniseland, it’s ok to be a baby. You can suck your thumb as long as you want. Babies don’t have any teeth and can bite as hard as they want. Everything is calm and sweet in Deniseland. [ a popping sound as Denise bites her thumb off ] In Deniseland, that's a water fountain. [ begins slurping her own spouting blood ] Tim: Is there no end to the madness?!? Is there no end to the madness?!? Guide: Silence! I am declaring martial law on this car! I am withdrawing your right to free elections, your right to free speech, and your right to have an abortion! It’s not easy for me to do this, but it must be done! Kate: [ regretful ] I should have spent that Best Buy gift certificate! Guide: [ turning ] I declared martial law! You must be silenced lest your views incite rebellion and turmoil! [ lunges at Kate ] [ all passengers scream as the cars jostles around ] [ clip of car falling off a cliff ] [ ext. Cliff Face – Day ] [ Tim is hanging over the edge holding onto a tree branch, like in a cartoon ] Tim: What the hell am I going to do now? What the hell am I going to do now? What the hell am I going to do now? [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
