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Female Detective...Maya Rudolph Officer Fred Langdon...Chris Parnell Suspect...Horatio Sanz Officer Lenny Cobb...Rob Riggle (interrogation room with suspect sitting a cardtable, laying back in chair with smile on face; female detective and Langdon, both with dress shirts on, enter) Female Detective: This is the guy right here. Saw him running out of the building where we found the drug dealer dead. Fred Langdon: Looks like a real winner. What do you think happened? Female Detective: The dealer was lying down on the second floor of the apartment complex, and what was near him was a little baggie full of this. (shows baggie with white substance, cocaine) Female Detective: Witnesses who saw the dealer get shot saw another suspect in the dark. Our guy may not have shot him. Fred Langdon: Can't pinpoint that it's him? Female Detective: It'll be tough. He hasn't said a word since we captured him. But you won't be alone. We have one of the best interrogation officers here with us to finally bag this creep. Fred Langdon: Great, I can't wait to meet him. (Female Detective exits) Fred Langdon: We're going to get you, punk. You are being charged with murder. If you fail to answer the questions we want so dearly, you will have to go to court. You don't want that do you? Suspect: Hey, copper, I don't have to say a word. I want my lawyer, now. (officer enters, big and gruff, with gun holsters around his arms; every word him saying to suspect is a bellow) Lenny Cobb: Alright, where is he? Where is he? Fred Langdon: Oh, hello, I'm Officer Fred Langdon. Lenny Cobb: Officer Lenny Cobb. Great to meet you. (looking at suspect, who is nervously eyeing giant officer) And you must be the big killer, right? You're the guy who did it, huh? Why did you do it? Suspect: I'm not saying a word. I want my lawyer. Lenny Cobb: You think this is the movies don't you? Well, I got news for you, bud. Your kiddie ride is over. Fred Langdon: (pulling Cobb aside, who whispers along with Langdon) I think the "good cop, bad cop" angle would be great here. He was acting like a tough guy before, and when he saw you come in, he nearly pissed himself. We'll get this guy to cough up a confession in no time. Lenny Cobb: I love that idea. (two officers approach the suspect) Fred Langdon: Okay, we need you to confess. We don't know if you did it, but maybe you can tell us what happened. Lenny Cobb: Don't tell us you don't know! You were running like a penguin down the street. You know something. Fred Langdon: We're giving you a chance here, Russ. Tell us what you know. We'll make a deal with you. Lenny Cobb: No! No deals. Fred Langdon: Come on, he may have nothing to do with it. Lenny Cobb: Alright you want a deal, I'll give you a deal. (exits) Fred Langdon: Uh-oh! Suspect: What "uh-oh!" Lenny Cobb: (enters with phonebook) You are going to get the deal of your life. Suspect: What are you going to do to me? Lenny Cobb: I'm going to make you confess. Suspect: No, please don't! Fred Langdon: Don't do it, Len! Lenny Cobb: Too late! (Cobb looks like he is going to put the phonebook to the suspect's face, but slams it on the table. Starts sifting through pages) Lenny Cobb: What's your last name, Dunn? We're going to have a talk with your momma? Suspect: (somewhat relieved) What? Lenny Cobb: Oh, yeah, you're going to have to deal with her, now! Suspect: (with smile) She's not listed. She lives in Minnesota. What are you doing? Lenny Cobb: Shut up! Fred Langdon: Let me talk to you for a minute, Len. (officers aside) Fred Langdon: You started off pretty good, Cobb, but what happened? Lenny Cobb: I was gonna make him spew. Fred Langdon: But I thought you were threatening to hit him where it hurts, ya know? I thought you were going to make him squirm. Lenny Cobb: And I didn't? Fred Langdon: Look, let's just continue. (officers back) Fred Langdon: Please, talk, Russ. You're going to be making a big mistake if you don't start explaining. Suspect: About my mom? Lenny Cobb: Oh, a fresh guy, huh? I have had just about enough of you. Suspect: Look I don't know anything! Lenny Cobb: I'll refresh your memory. (Cobb exits, Langdon and suspect look at each other with different expressions of puzzlement, Cobb returns quickly with bag of oranges) Lenny Cobb: You're going to wish you didn't use that kind of tongue with me, tough guy. Suspect: Whoa! Fred Langdon: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Len. Let's calm down a bit. He'll talk. Suspect: Yeah, yeah. Lenny Cobb: Oh yeah, he'll talk alright. Get ready to talk. (starts swinging the bag of oranges as if to hit him, and plops it on a chair, Cobb begins unraveling orange) Lenny Cobb: You hungry, Dunn? These oranges look delicious. Suspect: (bewildered) Yeah. Lenny Cobb: (takes a bite) Delicious. Scrumptious. I bet you would want one right now. Suspect: (laughing) No, no thanks. I had dinner an hour ago. Lenny Cobb: Oh, you want one. They're great. Suspect: No, I really don't. Fred Langdon: (agitated) Len, can I talk to you for a sec. Lenny Cobb: Sure, Fred. (glares at suspect) (officers aside) Fred Langdon: We almost had him. What's up? Lenny Cobb: What do you mean? Fred Langdon: He was about to say something about the case. His mouth was wide open with horror after seeing you with the oranges. Lenny Cobb: I knew he was hungry. Fred Langdon: No, no. You contemplating hitting him was what nearly got us a confession or eyewitness account of the murder. We do not know if he is the murderer or a witness. We need to get that out of him, okay? Lenny Cobb: Okay, let's do it. (officers back) Lenny Cobb: Alright, no more crap. Suspect: What no more oranges? Fred Langdon: We want answers, Russ. We want them immediately. Suspect: I can't. Lenny Cobb: No more funny stuff. (pulls out gun) Fred Langdon: (surprised) Lenny, what are you doing? Lenny Cobb: I've had enough of this freak. Enough! I'm going to teach him the untimely lesson of failing to cooperate. (starts loading it) Suspect: No, no, put the gun down. Please. Fred Langdon: (genuinely afraid) Please, put the gun down, Len. Don't do it. You can't do it. Suspect: (screaming) Put it down. (Cobb takes the gun as if to shoot him, and then puts it down on the table) Lenny Cobb: If you tell us what happened, I'll let you touch my gun. (both suspect and Langdon are puzzled yet calm, Langdon stares at suspect for reaction) Suspect: Really? Lenny Cobb: Oh yeah, fella! Just tell us what you know. Suspect: Wow, a gun. I've never touched a gun before. Alright, it was my brother. Fred Langdon: Your brother? You ratted on your brother to hold a gun? Suspect: Well, I've never held a gun before. It looks cool. Lenny Cobb: Alright, here you go man. It's loaded, so be careful. (officers aside) Fred Langdon: I have to hand it to you, man. You got the job done. You are one hell of an interrogator. Lenny Cobb: That's why I get paid the big bucks. Let's go get a coffee. Fred Langdon: Sure thing. I would love to have coffee with the epitome of competence. (officers exit room, gun goes off and acquitted suspect screams) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
