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Ms. Browne...Amy Poehler Mrs. Montgomery...Rachel Dratch Mr. Montgomery...Chris Parnell Alandra...Paris Hilton Guy...Finesse Mitchell (set in an office room of a daycare center, which we never see; owner talking to parents) Ms. Browne: We are glad that you are considering our daycare center. Our up-and-coming nursery will allow you both to be calm when you drop off your children here everyday. Mrs. Montgomery: That's a relief. It is going to be tough with the both of us working 9 to 5 every weekday. Mr. Montgomery: Yes, now why have I never heard of this place before? Ms. Browne: Well, despite being in a crummy part of town, we just recently bought this property a few weeks ago. Mr. Montgomery: Oh, and how has business been? Ms. Browne: Well, you are our first parents. (Montgomerys moan unassuringly) Ms. Browne: But, you can be rest assured that this daycare is the best and safest for your children. We have many toys for kids of all ages to play with; blankets for nap time; and we make them feel right at home with a TV that only shows cartoons. (all laugh) Mrs. Montgomery: Well, this doesn't sound bad at all. Ms. Browne: I also gave you the tour of the place. My boss and the co-owner, Judge Reinhold, made it clear that the one of the most important aspect of public relations is the decor and room style. Mrs. Montgomery: Wow, Judge Reinhold actually owns this. Ms. Browne: Yes, indeed. In fact, after his nervous breakdown following the film Vice Versa, Judge has only wanted the best for children. Plus, you will never see him around here since his restraining order toward all children under the age of 12. Mr. Montgomery: That's great! I don't see why we can't sign the papers right now. Ms. Browne: (unusually ecstatic) Wonderful! Just wonderful! Okay, I'll go get the papers in the backroom. Great! (exits for a moment out door) Mrs. Montgomery: I really hope this works out. Now that I have a job, I want the kids to have a safe environment to play like home. Mr. Montgomery: Ms. Browne is a wonderful woman, and I feel she is talking the straight talk. (woman in tight plastic clothing enters office) Alundra: Oh hi, I'm from next door. Is Browne here? Mrs. Montgomery: No...she went in the backroom. Alundra: I was just wondering if she knew why the Internet connection was down. It's not working next door. Mrs. Montgomery: I'm sorry, she should be back in a minute. Alundra: Okay, thanks. Tell her I stopped by and I'm back at the studio. (exits) (Ms. Browne enters) Ms. Browne: Okay, this form is for liability hazards, this bill is for payment, and this paper is to sign on with us. Any more questions? Mrs. Montgomery: Uh, a woman stopped by here from next door. Ms. Browne: (worried) She did? What did she say? Anything? Anything strange? Nothing strange, right? Mr. Montgomery: No, she just wanted to know if the Internet was working in your office. She looked very familiar, like I saw her on TV. Mrs. Montgomery: Yeah, she said something about a studio. Is she an actress? Ms. Browne: Well, next door is a movie studio. Let's get to signing those papers shall we? (banging against the wall) Mrs. Montgomery: What was that? Ms. Browne: What was what? Nothing, she didn't do anything. What would she have to do with anything? What? Mr. Montgomery: She who? What are you talking about? Ms. Browne: How 'bout we sign the papers first, then we can investigate the noise. Mrs. Montgomery: You said you didn't hear a noise. Ms. Browne: Just please sign the papers. You like this place right? (Alundra enters in slutty outfit that has her name sewn in clothing) Alundra: Oh, Browne, is your Internet working? Ms. Browne: Get out, please. Alundra: Oh well! Uh, do you have any Vaseline or something like that? Mrs. Montgomery: What?! Alundra: Well, if not that than suntan lotion or liquid soap. Something very slippery as if to inject something into someone. Mr. Montgomery: What the hell? Ms. Browne: Look, I told you not to come in here. Just because you use pronouns in your sentences does not mean that people do not understand what you are talking about!!! Alundra: Sorry, bye.(winks at Mr. Montgomery) Mrs. Montgomery: Hey! (winks at Mrs. Montgomery, exits) Mr. Montgomery: What is going on here? Ms. Browne: That's Alundra from next door. She is one of many...porno actors. Mrs. Montgomery: What the... Ms. Browne: Now hold on. You liked everything in this place since you walked in. Your children will have a sophisticated living area outside of home. There will be care and supervision at all times. And most of all, your children will have fun. Now, granted, many people do not like pornography and anything about it, but they are next door, and no sexual acts will ever cross through the door or the walls. Sure, the occasional pop-in for soda or the newspaper from them about ten or twelve times a day will bother me, but not the kids. They annoy me, but I have to deal with them, okay. Just because Mr. Judge Reinhold is frugal, and decided to put a daycare center near an adult movie studio, does not make him an idiot. Mr. Montgomery: I knew I saw her someplace before. Mrs. Montgomery: Me, too. (Mr. Montgomery looks shocked at wife) Ms. Browne: Well, I understand if you would like to back out of this. Mr. Montgomery: Your speech moved us. Although you tried to get us to sign without knowing, I now know that you didn't want to hurt us. But are sexual acts videotaped for consumption such a bad thing? In my opinion, no! You got a deal, Ms. Browne. (goes to sign bill) Mr. Montgomery: Is this price correct? Ms. Browne: Well, yes. You see, since you are the only parents willing to have us take care of your kids, the charge is around an average of 25- 50 children. Mrs. Montgomery: $5,000 a week? Ms. Browne: Plus tax. Mrs. Montgomery: You want us to pay $5,000 a week for our children to stay near a porno studio? Ms. Browne: Plus tax. And I thought the porn wasn't an issue? Mrs. Montgomery: We're leaving? Come on. Mr. Montgomery: And Judge Reinhold isn't that great! (Montgomerys leave) Ms. Browne: Well, I'm glad I didn't tell them that some actors from next door would be working part time here. (Alundra enters with shirtless guy) Guy: Hey, girl, do you want to be a fourth in our next movie? Alundra: Yeah, I made about eight movies this morning and am a little drained. Ms. Browne: You people are sick. Guy: $50 an hour. Ms. Browne: Get out! Guy: $60. Ms. Browne: (quickly answers) Okay. But I want free lunch. Guy: Can you work a cattle prod? (all three exit office) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
