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Announcer.....Amy Poehler Dr. Phil McGraw.....Rob Riggle Frank.....Seth Meyers Sherry.....Tina Fey Dave.....Will Forte Carol.....Maya Rudolph Doris.....Rachel Dratch Jerome.....Kenan Thompson .....Paris Hilton (Fade in) (A promo for an upcoming episode) (DR. PHIL bumper) Announcer: This week on Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil is going to spice up your love life! (Camera close up of Dr. Phil and the first married couple, Frank & Sherry) Dr. Phil: Okay, Frank and Sherry, you want to spice up your love life? Okay, fine, what you gotta remember is that the man has the penis and the woman has the vagina, and when you put those two together, you can make a baby! Frank: (looks at Dr. Phil dumbfounded) Wow. Sherry: Thank you, Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil: It’s what I do. (DR. PHIL bumper) Announcer: Dr. Phil will make any loving couple love each other more and more. (Camera close up of Dr. Phil and the second married couple, Dave & Carol) Dr. Phil: Now, Dave and Carol, you want to put the libido back in your Speedo? Okay, fine, what you gotta remember is that putting your penis in between a woman’s boobies is one of the most degrading things you can do to a woman. And if you can find a woman who will let you do that to her, then she’s a keeper! Carol: Thank you, Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil: It’s what I do. (DR. PHIL bumper) Announcer: Dr. Phil will bring an all-new meaning to “TLC”. (Camera close up of Dr. Phil and the older woman, Doris) Dr. Phil: Okay, Doris, you are 70-year-old mother of 5, grandmother of 17. And the guy you have been dating is 2 years younger than your youngest grandson? Well, if you want sexual help from me, I guess all I can say to you is this, if you are gonna have sex at your age with a much much younger man, then what you gonna do is remember that “doggy style” and “reverse cowboy” are going to be hazardous to your hip, so I would seriously be careful. Doris: I will, Dr. Phil. Thank you. Dr. Phil: It’s what I do. (DR. PHIL bumper) Announcer: Dr. Phil will get down, verbally and sexually, with the black community. (Camera close up of Dr. Phil and Jerome, a black man) Dr. Phil: Now, Jerome, as I understand it, black men have larger-than-normal size ‘man hoods’, is that correct? Jerome: Yeah, I guess you could say that, large-than-normal, compared to you. Dr. Phil: Well, Jerome, I guess all I can tell you is, what you gotta remember is that size doesn’t always matter. But with the size you have, you need to remember where you are swinging that thing. Jerome: Thanks, dawg! Dr. Phil: It’s what I do, homie. (DR. PHIL bumper) Announcer: Dr. Phil is helping the ones who need help, the most. (Camera close up of Dr. Phil and Paris Hilton) Dr. Phil: Now, you are Paris Hilton. From what I understand in the media, you are a bed hopper, is that correct? Paris Hilton: Yes, Dr. Phil, (sincerely) but I’d like to change my ways. Dr. Phil: Paris, there is a saying and it goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day, in fact it was never even built, it’s just an illusion”, so basically, Paris, you should stay the whore that you were born to be. And if you are going to carry on with your ways, you need to remember something. If you’re gonna have sex, repeatedly, with multiple partners, you better use a condom, because if you don’t, you’re gonna have a seafood platter in your underpants. I’m talking about crabs, folks. Paris Hilton: Thank you, Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil: It’s what I do. (Gestures down to crotch) And I bet you want to do this! (DR. PHIL bumper) Announcer: Dr. Phil, every afternoon. Check local listings. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
