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...Paris Hilton Debra Messing...Maya Rudolph Teacher...Chris Parnell Don Pardo VO: Ladies and gentlemen, Paris Hilton! [Paris Hilton comes out of the door and stands at homebase. The audience applauds while the theme song ends.] Paris Hilton: Thanks, thanks a lot. That's so hot. (The audience finishes applauding) Paris Hilton: Thanks. Now, I know a lot of people were disappointed when they found out that I was hosting tonight. People call me "stupid" and say that I'm a "porn-star," but I'm here to disprove at least one of those assumptions. And, I'm going to make things a little interesting. I'm going to take an IQ test. If I pass, I get to host tonight's show. If I don't, then Debra Messing, star of the new movie "The Wedding Date" and the hit NBC show "Will & Grace," will host instead. Right, Debra? [Debra Messing enters homebase from stage left] Debra Messing: That's right, Paris. I've been rehearsing all week and we've got some great sketches ready for you guys. I have to do a tricky costume change for the first sketch, so I'll see you at the after-party. (exits from stage left) Paris Hilton: That's so hot. Anyway, let's start the test. [The crew rushes the stage and quickly puts a blackboard and a desk in the center of homebase. Hilton sits at the desk and the Teacher comes on stage carrying a stack of questions printed on index cards.] Teacher: Okay, Ms. Hilton, let's begin the IQ test. Here comes the first question. Who hosted "Saturday Night Live" last season when you made a guest appearance? Paris Hilton: (annoyed) That's too easy. Al Sharpton. Give me a harder one. Teacher: Very well. If I have five apples and I am unable to sell any for cocaine, how many apples do I have left? Paris Hilton: (more annoyed) Five apples. Come on, no more softball questions. Make them harder! Teacher: All right, you asked for it. (shuffles through the cards to find the harder questions). Okay, here we go. What is the square root of the cosine of fifty-four degrees rounded to four decimal places? Paris Hilton: (quickly) .7667! (shouting) Harder! Teacher: (reading quickly) What is the name of Piaget's second stage of intellectual development? Paris Hilton: (answers quickly) Preoperational! (shouting) Harder! Teacher: (reading quickly while he undoes his tie) A jet liner crashes on the border between Mexico and the United States. In which country would you bury the survivors? Paris Hilton: Neither, you don't bury survivors! (shouting) Give it to me harder! Teacher: (struggling) I only have one more question left! Everyday a man leaves his twentieth floor apartment via the elevator, but when he comes home he gets off at the sixteenth floor and walks up the rest of the floors. Why? Paris Hilton: (shouting) Because he's a midget and can't reach the top button! [The studio goes silent for a moment as the Teacher and Paris Hilton take deep breaths and calm down from the excitement.] Teacher: Whew. (pauses) Well, that got me off. (awkward pause) I mean...you're off the hook. You're free to host the show! (wipes his forehead with a rag as he walks off stage) Paris Hilton: (fans herself with her hand) That was so hot. Looks like I'll have to break the bad news to Debra Messing during the commercial break. But anyway, Keane is here, so stick around, we'll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
