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Thog Boulder.....Rob Riggle Urgg Eubanks.....Finesse Mitchell Gorp W. Zurg.....Will Forte J.C. Ugga.....Rachel Dratch [ fade in ] [ int. Cave – night ] [ Prehistoric late night talk show set. Urgg Eubanks, off to the side, leads a band consisting primarily of crude drums ] V/O: It time for Moon Time Show. Now, host Thog Boulder! [ Thog Boulder enters to applause and drums ] Thog Boulder: Thank. Thank. So nice. Everyone, Urgg Eubanks and Moon Time Show Band. [ applause as Moon Time Show Band finishes playing ] Thog Boulder: So much happen in world today. So much. Our chieftain, Gorp W. Zurg, describe new tax plan today. It so stupid, people think he might be missing link. [ laughter ] Witchdoctors announce new discovery of plant which make old men able to know women. Many find this disgusting, but hey, if he thirty-five and about to die anyway, let him have some fun? [ laughter ] FOX Cave fined yesterday for indecent cave painting. Apparently there too much stick on stick figures. [ laughter ] We got great Moon Time Show today. Zoo keeper J.C. Ugga is here. Young singer by name Mick Jagger is here. Time start show! [ Moon Time Show Band plays while Thog goes to chair behind his rock of a desk ] Thog Boulder: One thing we like do on Moon Time Show is take different, ordinary things you have around cave, and see if float. Is fun game and we do now. Time for “Will Float?” everybody. [ Moon Time Show Band plays intro for “Will Float?” with an accompanying graphic while a large clay tub is wheeled out ] Thog Boulder: “Will Float?” is one of favorite segments here. Urgg Eubanks, what we have today? Urgg Eubanks: Dead raccoon. Thog Boulder: Dead raccoon? Why dead raccoon? Could we not get something not so smelly? Urgg Eubanks: [ laughing too hard to respond ] Is not too smelly. Thog Boulder: Not too smelly? Like how volcano not too hot? Urgg Eubanks: [ still cracking up immeasurably ] Just like that, Thog. Thog Boulder: [ holds dead raccoon ] OK, today we have dead raccoon. [ inspects it ] It no look like it float to me. Urgg? Urgg Eubanks: [ laughing ] It dead raccoon, Thog. Thog Boulder: Brilliant thought from Urgg. Alright, dead raccoon, will float? [ drum roll plays as dead raccoon is dropped into water and sinks ] Thog Boulder: I right, it not float. Urgg Eubanks: [ can’t contain himself laughing ] You right, Thog. Thog Boulder: Settle down, settle down. Now time for segment we call “Dumb Thing Chieftain Say.” This where we show clip of dumb thing our chieftain, Gorp W. Zurg say. As many know, he like mispronounce words. This clip of that. Ready? [ montage footage of Gorp W. Zurg giving speeches at prehistoric locales ] Urgg Eubanks: [ singing ] Dumb Thing Chieftain Say. Dumb Thing Chieftain Say. [ ext. Amphitheater – Day ] [ chieftain Gorp W. Zurg, who more than resembles George W. Bush, is giving a speech ] Gorp W. Zurg: We ask other tribes not have pois-e-on weapons. No pois-e-on spears. No pois-e-on darts. No pois-e-on arrows. We not stop until all tribes stop pois-e-on research. [ int. Cave – Night ] [ stage hands are seen disassembling the set, as Finesse Mitchell and Rob Riggle sit around, having dropped character ] Rob Riggle: I can’t believe they canceled the sketch! Finesse Mitchell: Right in the middle of it! Rob Riggle: I mean, it was funny, right? The “pois-e-on” bit, that wasn’t a complete waste of time? [ A dejected, costumed Rachel Dratch enters, along with a dejected, un-costumed Will Forte ] Rachel Dratch: I was just getting ready to enter the scene with my pet velociraptor when they told me the sketch was cancelled. Rob Riggle: Yeah, it’s over. Rachel Dratch: Guess I just had to see it for myself. Will Forte: I know my part was just taped, but I really feel sorry for you guys. Finesse Mitchell: It’s how it goes. Rob Riggle: Probably not so tough for you, Will, you have a Chameleon Man sketch later in the show. Rachel Dratch: Do you think you could put a word in, to get me a line in that? Will Forte: I can try… I don’t know if there are any parts available. Rob Riggle: Man, this sucks goat testicles. I mean, I wasn’t planning on making an SNL career out of Thog Boulder, but I thought I could get some laughs for now at least. Something to carry me along while I look for “the big one.” Rachel Dratch: Yeah, I know what you mean. [ uncomfortable silence ] Finesse Mitchell: [ checking watch ] Hey dudes, I’ll see you later. The next sketch has another black celebrity too thin for Kenan to impersonate. Rob Riggle: Bye. Rachel Dratch: Have fun. Will Forte: I dig it, F-dog. [ Finesse exits ] Will Forte: So are you guys going to take anything? Rachel Dratch: [ feigning innocence ] Who, me? Rob Riggle: What is there to take? A few Styrofoam rocks? They already took inventory on all the good props, like the drums. [ more silence, then all three stand and begin to slowly roam the set ] Rachel Dratch: This is where the velociraptor was going to bite your neck, Rob. Rob Riggle: Yeah. Not gonna happen now. [ more silence, Will walks briefly offset and returns with three beers, which he opens and passes around ] Will Forte: Guess we can say good-bye to this sketch for good. Rachel Dratch: Yeah. Rob Riggle: It’s a little awkward, but I guess this is how it ends. [ around five seconds of silence, made more comfortable by nursing of the beers ] [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
