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Announcer.....Will Forte Brian Williams.....Seth Meyers House Speaker.....Fred Armisen .....Paris Hilton Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond Denny Hastert.....Chris Parnell Nicole Richie.....Rachel Dratch (Fade in) Announcer: Now in New York, here is Brian Williams. Brian Williams: Good evening, I’m Brian Williams. In just a few moments we will be taking you to Washington DC, where the President will be giving his state of the union address to the nation. (Stagehand gives Brian a breaking story news announcement) I’ve just been handed a late breaking news bulletin! President Bush will not be addressing the nation, this evening. Socialite Paris Hilton will present the State of the Union address. As I understand it, Paris Hilton has decided to write her own State Of The Union, however she will stick to the President’s original topics. We will give you more on this story as it develops. We now take you to Washington DC for tonight’s “State Of The Union” address. (Camera pans to Capitol Hill Senate floor) House Speaker: Mr. Speaker, please…Paris Hilton! (Roar of applause as Paris Hilton walks into and up the Senate podium; Vice President Dick Cheney and Speaker of the House Denny Hastert sit behind Paris Hilton) Paris Hilton: Thank you. Thank you. Can I just say, you are all hot. And, that’s hot, is it not? (Dick Cheney laughs) My fellow Americans, as the President starts his second term as the leader of the free world, I would like to say, that the state of the union is in my opinion, is “hotter” than it has ever been! And to me, “That’s hot!” Now, even thou the state of the union is hot, we are a country with problems. But with a little bit of time, and a little bit of tender love and care, America’s case of chylamdia will be gone like yesterday’s sex tape. America, don’t get me wrong we do have problems. The most irritating of which is the constant swelling of (pause) on second thought, maybe we don’t need to discuss that. Let me say this: America was, is and always will be the best country there is. But the real issue is Iraq. I don’t know much about Iraq. But I know problems when I see it. And I think we need to remove all the badness out of the way and get on with the goodness. Which reminds me of a funny story. During “THE SIMPLE LIFE”, Nicole had to put her hand up a cow’s butt hole. (Camera cuts to Nicole Richie coming out from behind Dick Cheney, wearing a rubber glove; Nicole makes an “Eww!” look on her face) I don’t remember the reason, but it was suppose to be funny, which just goes to show you, if you really want high ratings for a FOX “reality” show, you need to put your hand up a cow’s ass. It’s cut throat out there in the real world! Plus, it was pretty hot! But now, everyone’s talking about Social Security and how there isn’t enough money. Well, you know what I say, why doesn’t the Social Security ask it’s father for more money. I mean that’s what I do. My father is rich! Which just goes to show you, if you really want high ratings for a FOX “reality” show, what you need to do is have sex on camera, make a bunch of copies and you will be an overnight “flash in the pan” no talent ass clown just like me! And to me, that’s hot! And the final issue tonight, I’d like to discuss, let me end the speculation about Iraq’s Weapons of Mass Destruction. I don’t know much about them, but they told me to talk about weapons of mass destruction. To everyone in this room and everyone watching at home, I have just two words to say about weapons of mass destruction, and they are, “Black Guys”. I think I have said all there is to say on these issues, except for this, "Live, from New York, its Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
