|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Edward Flipson.....Horatio Sanz .....Fred Armisen Jay-C.....Chris Parnell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. In Oregon this week an American Nazi Party has cleaned up a small bit of road along one of the state's main freeways. Just 8 million more of these and you're back in the good light, guys. Also from Oregon, a woman gave birth to a 14-pound baby, one of the biggest in state history. The woman's delivery was gruesome but now she has the record for world's largest vagina. Amy Poehler: In Florida this week five fire fighters were suspended after complaints were fired for having stripper shows in their house. Another reason for the suspension was that while the show was going on, downtown Tampa burned to the ground. In galactic news, it was discovered Saturn has a hot spot on the south pole. Apparently the spot no longer allows the cast of "Saved by the Bell." Tina Fey: This week in hockey the NHL owners and players union met to hopefully salvage what was left of the season. Apparently they haven't realized that, like everybody's favorite show that got cancelled, it just isn't happening. President Bush has deemed a new film too scary for people of his intelligence. Bush said, "Boogeyman is coming...and I'm scared!" Amy Poehler: This week, President Bush called for "Social Secruity Overhaul". Asked to explain, Bush said, "This is like that time on MASH when Jamie Farr had to put on a dress to win a bet from Hawkeye. And then later he had to kiss Radar on the mouth." Just moments later, one member of the press crew, stood up and just started clapping. A Germany-based company has developed a cellular phone for dog owners, so they can stay in touch with their dogs. The cell phone is being marketed to the insane and idiotic consumers. Tina Fey: And now from Campbell's soup market research department, Edward Flipson. Edward: Thank you Tina, hello everyone. Im glad to be here on behalf of Campbell's soup and we would like to thank Weekend Update for giving us the chance to pick up sagging sales of an American Institution. M'm M'm Good people that's what it's all about M'm M'm Good, if eaten before April 2005. Anyways, with all these new chunky soups coming out of the woodworks, we at Campbell's are suffering so as a token of our appreciation for our remaining customers and as encouragement for some new ones we will be offering free pennies inside every can for the next 2500 cans put into production. Also, to appeal to the health craze that everyone seems to be on, we at Campbell's are proud to announce that we're all natural, except for the synthetic bacon. Tina Fey: Wait, that sounds pretty disgusting. Edward: What? It's an essential ingredient to keep that fresh taste lasting for so long Tina I mean come on! Tina Fey: Sorry I asked. Edward: Anyways, we'd also like to appear to the all important youth demographic mainly males 18-49 our the audience of this show and that's why we'd like to remind you that chicks looove guys who eat...soup. Amy Poehler: Oh come on now, that's just gross mister. Gross and true [raises eyebrow] Edward: As I was saying, Campbell's is really in with the MTV crowd such as with our new ad campaign, Campbell's: It's Hot And Wet! [holds up ad of two scantily clad women posing by an enlarged can of Campbell's tomato soup] Also, this coincides with our new billboard campaign: Hitler: bad, Soup: good, it just makes good sense people! So I think that's my time and I'd just like to wrap it up by saying "When there's nothing else in the house to eat, there's Campbell's!". Tina Fey: Edward Flipson, everybody! Amy Poehler: Tickets for U2's show in Dublin were sold out within minutes of them going on sale. Some confused U2 fans are still wondering why the band choose to play a small town like Dublin, Ohio and not the band's original stomping grows like Dublin, Ireland. President Bush said this week that the Iraqi election was a resounding success. The election was a resounding success, with the exception of the countless number of people who were killed during the election. Tina Fey: Donald Rumsfeld says that he has offered to resign as the defense secretary, twice. The reason Bush kept Rumsfeld, is because he need someone to tell him stories before bed...and apparently, Dick Cheney is always busy at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. President Bush, this week, called for patience with the Iraqi War. He is asking America for patience with the Iraq war. And we all know patience lasts at least four years. Also on this week, President Bush called for the end of hiring columnists to boost the President’s agenda. Moments later, Bush recalled his previous statement, citing the fact that he didn't want to hurt the unemployment rate more than he already has. Amy Poehler: During a mission statement to America, President Bush pushed his proposal to fix the un-funded Social Security in America. He said, "Any political price is worth paying." Bush then went to work on Social Security, but got stuck just moments into the work session when he forgot how to "carry the 7". President Bush and John Kerry are butting heads on the current Health Care Plan. In the opinion of John Kerry, he believes (doing her best John Kerry impression), “The President does not have a well-thought out plan. I had a plan. The President will continue to forget about the real people of this country. The President’s current plan won't meet the needs of children and low-income families who don't have health coverage. I had a plan. Thank you.” Tina Fey: And now here with a commentary, is our social correspondent, Fred Armisen. Fred Armisen: Tomorrow is “Super Bowl Sunday”. Which got me to thinking…is it just me or does football have a lot of GAY tendencies. Come on! 22 guys go out on a field together to smother each other. The television announcer should just be like, “This Sunday on FOX, the Green Bay Fudge Packers and the Tampa Bay Ass Pirates have an orgy! Only on FOX!” Oh…and there’s more! Let’s look at some of the positions in football. There’s the “TIGHT END”. Come on! Who are they trying to kid! Then, we have the “WIDE RECIEVER”. What does the wide receiver do? He runs down the field and catches the balls! And what’s the love affair between the CENTER and the QUARTERBACK? Like they aren’t playing grab ass! The center hands the warm pigskin off to the quarterback, between his legs. What do the players do when they score a touchdown? They dance! Like football isn’t a gay man’s sport! Gay men love to dance. What do they do after the game? They go to the locker room, get naked, go into the shower and soap each other! Who is the NFL trying to kid? Personally, I’ve never seen the big deal with homosexuality. You are who you are. I think we can all agree on that. I don’t think anyone is born gay; it’s just a choice you make at some point in your life. You visit San Francisco, you like the atmosphere. And you say to yourself, “I like it here. I’m here, I’m queer.” Sexuality is a very serious, important thing in our society. Maybe you’re straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual…maybe you like it with dogs. Sexuality is important. Sexuality is very controversial, as well. It’s so controversial that President Bush has tried to ban gay marriage. Who is Bush kidding? If he’s going to ban gay marriage, then he needs to end that gay love affair he’s been having with Tony Blair. Did anyone see President Bush’s State of The Union Address the other night? Bush can’t seem to put down the gay marriage issue. He said this word for word, I cannot make it up, it’s totally true. “I, personally, think that any one person should be allowed to marry another person, just as long as they are of the opposite sex and the one with the penis makes more money than the one with the vagina, just like it states in THE BIBLE.” Well we know where Georgie stands on the issues. I don’t think Bush understands that someone’s sexual orientation cannot be changed. It’s a freedom; it’s a right. Everyone’s sexual orientation is important. It is “their own”. And you know what, if George can’t understand that, then maybe he shouldn’t our president. At least John Kerry would be open-minded about homosexuality. What make me say that? Remember seeing John Kerry and John Edwards, out on the campaign trail together? Like they weren't playing "hide the salami", just for fun! I’ve veered off course here. Getting back on track, I don’t care if you are gay; just keep your hands off me. That’s all I ask. Thou, come to think of it, I haven’t been touched in quite some time. I’m trying to remember the last time I went to “confessional”. Kidding! I sexually assault myself – twice a day. No priest can reproduce the real thing, every time. Trust me! Personally, I’d love to live in a world where everyone is accepted for who they are, no matter what your age is, gender, race or sexuality. And if we can do this, the pay off will be totally worth it. Because then, as a society, we can all come together! Thank you! Tina Fey: Fred Armisen, ladies and gentlemen! Amy Poehler: In an interview, this week, Joe Jackson, father of Michael Jackson, said he thinks his son's problems are the result of racism. The interviewer then stayed quiet for about 5 minutes trying to figure out what race Michael Jackson actually is. Tina Fey: Actress turned singer Lindsay Lohan was sued this week by two people who claim she injured them in a traffic accident. In a related story, Hilary Duff has been sued by several viewers of the Disney network, claiming she's a crappy actress. Amy Poehler: Actor John Stamos says that he has been dating nurses and waitresses to cure his feelings about separating from Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. He also said he has seriously fallen in love with a girl working at McDonalds. He said, “I knew it was true love when she said those words, every man wants to hear: 'Do you want fries with that?'” And now here with a celebrity comment is Weekend Update’s resident pedophile, Jay – C. Jay – C: Thank you, ladies. So I’ve been reading all of these reports about how Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen have taken over the media world. Personally, I lost all interest in these two girls when they turned ‘legal’. But, never the less, I still enjoy reruns of “Full House”. The other day, I was tuning in to a rerun on “Nick At Nite”. In the episode, Michelle, played by the Olsen twins, develops a crush on a boy visiting the Tanner home, named Howie. After watching the episode, it got me to thinking, in no pedophile kind of way, where is this kid that the Olsen twins fell in love with? I jumped on “IMDB.com”, to find that the actor playing Howie, were twins, and not just twins, twin girls! Could you believe my excitement when I found out the Olsen twins were in love with two other twin girls! Mary-Kate & Ashley, I have regained all respect in you! Don’t be alarmed by my being here, right now. I am stroking as I speak. America, just be glad the camera gets me from the chest and up; otherwise, we may have a problem! Amy Poehler: Eww! Tina Fey: Jay-C put some damn pants on! That’s sick! Jay – C: I love it when you ladies are angry! Don’t anger him, he spits! Amy Poehler: Jay-C, the pedophile, everyone! Tina Fey: Finally tonight, we would like to just say a few words about the original king of late night, Johnny Carson. As we all know, Johnny passed away 2 weeks ago, and we have all felt just a bit of sadness about our loss. Johnny, we miss you. Amy Poehler: As many know, Saturday Night Live was created because Johnny Carson wanted reruns of his show to stop airing on Saturday nights. We are all grateful for the creation of this show. If it weren’t for Johnny, there would be no Saturday Night Live. Tina Fey: Johnny Carson is the reason many of us got into comedy. Johnny is also the reason so many of us were late for school, on a regular basis. Myself included, we all have Johnny Carson to blame for this, or to thank for this. Amy Poehler: Over the history of comedy, one name has been “gold standard” when it comes to original comedy. Johnny was it, Johnny will always be it. Speaking for all of us here, I think we were all personally affected by Johnny, The Tonight Show, and late night comedy in it’s self. Tina Fey: If it wasn’t for Johnny Carson, I think there would be a lot less stand up comics and a lot less comedic performers in the world…maybe more burger flippers and more hookers. Everyone loves the funny guy at work; everyone loves the funny guy on TV. Johnny made everyone smile and Johnny made everyone laugh. Johnny, we miss you. We love you. And thank you for making us laugh before bed. (Cue archive clip of Johnny Carson at the end of his last show) (SUPER: JOHNNY CARSON, THE ORIGINAL KING OF LATE NIGHT 1925-2005) (Fade to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
