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Richard Van Patton.....Rob Riggle Judge.....Jason Bateman Michael Jackson.....Amy Poehler District Attorney.....Will Forte R. Kelly.....Finesse Mitchell Woody Allen.....Fred Armisen Tito Jackson.....Horatio Sanz Witness.....Tina Fey Bailiff.....Seth Meyers Jay-C.....Chris Parnell Joe Jackson.....Kenan Thompson (Fade in) Richard Van Patton: Welcome to Court TV Presents, I’m Richard…Van…Patton. This week we present some of the shocking moments in celebrity court hearings. Tonight, we present the goings on in the Michael Jackson Pedophile court case. As many know Mr. Jackson’s trial started last week, but the trial ended very quickly, only lasting about 3 days. The case ended quickly because Mr. Jackson decided to fire his defense team and represent himself. Let us now watch some of the exciting moments. Judge: Mr. Jackson, please call first witness. Michael Jackson: Your honor, if I’m going to represent myself, I want to reselect my juror…a jury of my peers! Judge: Will counsels please approach the bench? (Jackson and the District Attorney approach the judge’s docket) Judge: I want to purpose that, in order to move this trial along, giving Mr. Jackson the right to replace 3 and only 3 member of the jury. Defense Attorney: Agreed. Judge: Mr. Jackson, please select 3 new members for your jury. Michael Jackson: My lama… Judge: Actual people, Mr. Jackson. Michael Jackson: The elephant man’s bones? Defense Attorney: Objection! Judge: Real people, Mr. Jackson. Michael Jackson: Okay. R. Kelly, Woody Allen and my brother Tito Jackson. Judge: Mr. Jackson, you cannot have one of your brothers on the jury! Michael Jackson: Come on, he really needs the money! He hasn’t worked since Reagan was in office…and when I had dark skin, and an actual nose. Judge: Any objections? Defense Attorney: No, let’s get on with it. Richard Van Patton: At this point of the trial day, R. Kelly, Woody Allen and Michael’s out-of-work brother Tito, are now part of the jury. (Camera pans back to the court room as a witness is being sward in) Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing up the truth? Witness: I do. Michael Jackson: Let me ask you my first question…why is the earth round? Witness: I don’t know. Michael Jackson: Your honor, she doesn’t know. How can I defend myself, if she can’t answer my questions? (Camera cuts back to Richard Van Patton, who is giving further detail of what happened) Richard Van Patton: Mr. Jackson then spend roughly a half hour trying to prove that it was the boogeyman that has scared the children into thinking a pop-star molested them. After this occurred, the courtroom had to be sprayed-down because R. Kelly reportedly took out his penis and urinated on members of the jury. The judge later called for recess, so Mr. Jackson could go play “The Stranger Has Candy In His Van” at the local playground. The trial resumed after Mr. Jackson was arraigned and posted bail for another pedophile occurrence. Later, Mr. Jackson called a professional pedophile to the stand for his expertise. (Camera pans back to the courtroom, as Michael Jackson is questioning the witness, Jay – C) Michael Jackson: Mr. Jay-C, as I understand you consider yourself a professional pedophile, is that correct? Jay – C: That is correct. It seems to me, you are fan of young boys. As for me, I like the young LADIES! Michael Jackson: So, it is your expert opinion that I am a pedophile? Jay – C: That is correct. Michael Jackson: Your honor, I rest my case! (Michael starts running out of the courtroom) Judge: What! (Enter Joe Jackson, out of nowhere) Joe Jackson: Your honor, this pedophile shoutin’ is the reason…a being…it’s racism! Judge: And what race is Mr. Jackson, again? Joe Jackson: Ah, ah…he’s a…my son pleads insanity! Judge: Order! (Camera cuts back to the Court TV personality giving details) Richard Van Patton: That will conclude our broadcast of the Michael Jackson case. It’s been an interesting experience for the most part as the ending was rather stupid. We can only hope that Michael Jackson gets what he deserves. For Court TV, I’m Richard…Van…Patton. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
