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Jon Stewart ... Fred Armisen Tony Blair ... Seth Meyers Stephen Colbert ... Chris Parnell Rod Serling ... Darrell Hammond Football Player ... Rob Riggle [Open on The Daily Show's logo. Cut to Jon sitting at his desk, eating a bowl of cereal with way too much enthusiasm. He looks up, notices the cameras are on, and quickly pushes the bowl off screen.] [SFX - crash] [SFX - cat meowing] Jon Stewart: Welcome back to The Daily Show, everybody! I'm Jon Stewart, and I've been drinking since 8 AM. [gives thumbs-up] Our next guest is the British Prime Minister and once described himself as George W. Bush's poodle. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Blair! [Tony Blair enters.] Tony Blair: Thanks for inviting me on the show, Jon. Jon Stewart: That's okay. Paris Hilton was going to be on, but she locked herself in her dressing room and wouldn't come out. Tony Blair: That's a shame. Jon Stewart: Yes it is. [Pause.] Jon Stewart: So, I hear you're British. Tony Blair: [giving him an odd look] Yes...yes I am. Jon Stewart: How's that working out for you? Tony Blair: Rather well, I suppose. Jon Stewart: Ah. Tony Blair: As you know, my job is very stressful. Why, recently I started smoking, and...what are you doing? [Jon has been playing a Game Boy.] Jon Stewart: Yes! I won -- what do you mean, the Princess is in another castle? Tony Blair: Put that toy away, young man! You said you were going to interview me! Jon Stewart: Aww, do I have to? Tony Blair: I'm afraid so! Now, ask me some tough questions! Ones the American people need to hear about! Jon Stewart: [ponders this for a moment] Have you ever caught Dick Cheney by surprise? Tony Blair: I beg your pardon? Jon Stewart: Ever, say, snuck up on him and yelled "HEART ATTACK!" Tony Blair: I can't say that I have. Jon Stewart: Don't. That man can fight. I mean, look at this scar right here! [stands up, starts to unbutton his pants] Tony Blair: Mr. Stewart! Jon Stewart: What? You started it! Tony Blair: I did not! Keep your pants on! Jon Stewart: I'm telling Mommy! Tony Blair: This is not the political forum I thought it would be. I'm leaving. [exits] Jon Stewart: That's a good idea. That guy was no fun. Stephen Colbert! Get in here! [Stephen Colbert enters.] Stephen Colbert: Hello Jon. Jon Stewart: Please escort Mr. Blair out of the building. Use your taser if you like. Stephen Colbert: 10-4. [Cut to the lobby of the 'Comedy Central news headquarters.' Tony Blair is walking out of an elevator, muttering something about lawsuits. Stephen Colbert jumps out from behind a potted plan and attacks him with the taser.] Tony Blair: Oh my god! Stephen Colbert: [maniacal screaming] Tony Blair: Sir! Sir! Please stop, I have only one question! Stephen Colbert: Oh, all right. What is it? Tony Blair: This whole day has been very stressful on me. You wouldn't happen to have a fag on you, would you? Stephen Colbert: You're a fag. [hits him with the taser once more] Tony Blair: I mean a cigarette, chap. Stephen Colbert: I'm not wearing chaps, you fag! [introduces the taser to Tony Blair's backside] [As the battle rages in the background, the picture changes from color to black and white. Rod Serling steps into the foreground.] Rod Serling: It all started out so innocently -- a simple interview on a simple television program. Now, it's developed into a scuffle, which will no doubt lead to boo-boos and ouchies. How could this have happened? Well, when the biggest news story of the week is Nicky Hilton getting engaged, what else do you have to write about? You'll see even more ridiculous plot ideas tonight on ... The Twilight -- [A football player runs onscreen and knocks him over.] Rod Serling, O.S.: A football player? That's the best you could do? Boy, when I had my own show... Football Player: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
