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Mark Johannson...Jason Bateman Derrick...Seth Meyers Tyrone...Keenan Thompson Keith...Will Forte Manager...Darrell Hammond Dollar Store Clerk...Finesse Mitchell Customers...Extras (Open on stock footage of various people shopping at various retail stores.) Announcer: Every day, people go to stores for the exchange of money towards goods and services. At the same time, the noble sales associate tries to help out the customer with whatever kind of assistance they need. Unfortunately, there are times when the customer and the clerk don't think on the same wavelength. Too often do people ask how much a certain product is when the price is staring at them in the boldest of typeface. That's what this program is all about, join us now as we present...(ART CARD) "America's Dumbest Customers". (DISSOLVE ON A SET THAT RESEMBLES AN "AMERICA'S MOST WANTED" TYPE SET, WHERE THE HOST IS SITTING ON A DESK IN WHITE SHIRTSLEEVES AND A BLACK TIE, HE ADDRESSES THE CAMERA IN AN AUTHORITATIVE MANNER.) Mark: Good evening, I'm Mark Johannson. At one point, I was the Store Director of the Framingham, Massachusettes Super Wal*Mart. But I gave up that job when I realized that most of the customers that I was trying to help had queries so moronic, that I felt that something needed to be done. That's why I took all of my life savings and started this show, so I can help warn you, the viewers, that there are better jobs than ones in retail. There is hope for some of you out there, and this program can act as a series of cautionary tales that will steer you away from such places. Our first story tonight takes place at a pharmacy near Paramus, New Jersey, where a young clerk realized that eating candy at work before hours might not be a smart idea in the long run... (SLAM CUT TO A SURVEILANCE CAMERA SHOT OF A CLERK EATING CANDY, DRAMATIC MUSIC UNDERSCORES THE ACTIVITY.) Mark V/O: It was 10 minutes past 8AM one Sunday morning when 23 year old Duane-Reade pharmacy worker Derrick Phillips was eating from a bag of Wild Berry Skittles which he purchased from the store's break room vending machine. A little tired from a party he went to last night, Derrick unknowingly dropped a piece of the candy onto the floor. After which he was being called into the storage room for his next assignment. (TIME PASSING GRAPHIC) Later that day when the pharmacy was open, Derrick was on the floor with price gun in hand for an upcoming sale, when a woman described to be in her early 40s noticed the crushed piece of candy. It was then where Derrick encountered his problem... Derrick O.S.: So this lady comes up to me, and she's holding up this piece of candy which I guess I dropped, I'm not sure. Anyway, she comes up to me and she says to me; "Excuse me, sir, I think this is a penny, is it yours?" (ONSTAGE) I tried my hardest not to laugh in her face, and the sad part of the story was that the piece of candy was purple. And we all know that pennies aren't purple. (DISSOLVE BACK TO MAIN SET) Mark: (ADDRESSING THE CAMERA) After being asked that question, Derrick promply told his supervisor that he was wasting his time working for $6.25 an hour, at which time he promptly quit the job. He is now a sophomore at the DeVry institute where his pending graduation will guarantee a job that pays a maximum of $9.75 an hour, go get 'em Derrick! (WINKS INTO THE CAMERA ACCOMPANIED BY A PINGING SOUND EFFECT, THEN TURNS TO ANOTHER CAMERA) Our next story involves a sales associate and a customer who faced confusion about a price to a certain item. (SLAM CUT TO A SURVEILANCE CAMERA, DRAMATIC MUSIC UNDERSCORES) Mark V/O: It was a Thursday evening at a Middletown, New York Pet store when 21 year old Tyrone Gibbs was working the small animal department. Shortly before the 6:00 hour, a mother of two approaches Gibbs for some help. Little did Tyrone know what was in store for him, no pun intended, of course... Tyrone O.S.: I just thought that she wanted assistance with something heavy, I can do a lot of lifting. But instead, she dragged me over to the aviary where the birds and the hamsters were being sold. (ONSTAGE) She simply asked me "How much was it", I said that it was $7.99, and at that point I thought she was just talking about the hamster. (RETURN TO SURVEILANCE VIDEO) Mark V/O: ...But Tyrone was wrong. It was at this moment when the mother of two started pointing at a variety of things inside the cage where the hamster was being held. Tyrone was stunned with confusion... Tyrone O.S.: It turns out that she thought that it was $7.99 for the hamster wheel, the water bottle, the food bowl, the pine bedding, AND the hamster! (ONSTAGE) At first, I thought I got some sort of a contact high from the catnip nearby. I told the lady that it was $7.99 for just the hamster. At which point she gave one of those awkward "OoooK's" and reluctantly slunk out of the store with her kids. I knew right then and there that I've had enough of working at that place. (DISSOLVE BACK TO MAIN SET) Mark: (ADDRESSING THE CAMERA) Although Tyrone quit his job at the pet store, he's still working in Retail at a nearby Target department store. Now I believe in baby steps as much as the next guy; but if you're watching, Tyrone, you can do a lot better than Target. Hang in there, kid, we're pulling for you. (GIVES ANOTHER WINK, PINGING SOUND EFFECT, TURNS TO ANOTHER CAMERA.) Our last story tonight also involves an incident at a pet store, this time at an Aventura, Florida PetSmart. It was here where our last subject was victim to a request so unusual, it freaked out not only the associate, but his boss as well. (SLAM CUT TO SURVEILANCE VIDEO, DRAMATIC MUSIC UNDERSCORES) Mark V/O: Keith Bonner was seen placing bags of cat litter onto the store's shelves, when an elderly man and his two grandchildren approached him... Keith O.S.: I'll never forget that guy, he had a ponytail and what sounded like a pretty thick Eastern European accent. But what really stood out about the guy was the stupid question he asked. (ONSTAGE) He asked me (IMMITATING EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT) "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Elephants?" (ENGLISH) And at first, I thought he meant like a squeaky toy of some kind, cause I knew we had those. But then he was telling me how someone he knew told him that there would be elephants at the very store I was in, and that he came all the way from Albania to see them... (DISSOLVE BACK TO SURVEILANCE VIDEO) Keith O.S.: The old guy looked confused, and so did I. It was at that point that I waved over to my manager for help... Mark V/O: Keith's supervisor approched the two men. Keith asked the old man to tell his supervisor the same thing that he had just told Keith. At which point, the manager simply looked at Keith and told him to go somewhere else in the store and that he'll handle it... Manager O.S.: I tried to explain to the guy that Elephants can't be sold in pet stores for a variety of reasons. The old man then told me that he had promised to show his grandchildren Elephants. (ON STAGE) I tried to tell him that Elephants could be seen at zoos, or theme parks, and that there were plenty of them around in Florida. I gave him directions to Disney World and said, "Just keep going north, pal." And then after he left, I snuck in a swig and that was it. (CUT BACK TO SURVEILANCE VIDEO OF MANAGER TAKING A DRINK FROM A CONCEALED FLASK. DISSOLVE BACK TO MAIN SET.) Mark: (ADDRESSING THE CAMERA) Keith quit his job at the store to work at the Miami Seaquarium, but he had to wait a month to do so because his supervisor was suspended for two weeks for being caught on tape drinking booze. When asked why he couldn't just simply tell any of the other managers he was quitting, Keith responded, "Only he has the ability to finalize such things, so I had to wait." Good luck, Keith; And to your manager, we understand why you did what you did. Believe me, I know... (GIVES ANOTHER WINK, PINGING SOUND EFFECT, TURNS TO ANOTHER CAMERA.) That's going to do it for this week's edition of "America's Dumbest Customers". Remember, if you're a sales associate and you feel that you've come across stupidity on the job, let us know about it. Our phone number is 1-600-DUMB-ASS, if we like your story, you could be on a future edition of the show. You won't get paid for it, but at least you'll be on TV. I can only afford so much to run this show. Now, here are some scenes from next week's show where a 22 year old Dollar store employee reaches his breaking point. (SLAM CUT TO SURVEILANCE VIDEO WHERE A DOLLAR STORE EMPLOYEE IS SEEN COUNTING MONEY AT A CASH REGISTER, THERE IS A BANNER THAT SAYS "ALL ITEMS: ONE DOLLAR" A MALE CUSTOMER APROACHES.) Customer: Excuse me, sir? How much is this worth? (THE EMPLOYEE KNOCKS OUT THE CUSTOMER WITH A SINGLE PUNCH.) Mark: Wow, I wish I could've done that! For all of us here at "America's Dumbest Customers" I'm Mark Johannson, and remember, just buy the items, and get the hell out! Good night. (FADE UP TITLE) (FADE OUT) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
