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Professor Edwards...Jason Bateman Henry...Seth Meyers Spanky...Horatio Sanz Pat...Amy Poehler Johnny...Fred Armisen Dr. Roberts...Chris Parnell [SCENE: A classroom. Professor Edwards is talking to his students.] Professor Edwards: Okay, the answers to the homework will be posted online later this evening. (picks up a file folder on his desk) Now, class, it's time for your next assignment. I've arranged a list of people that I want you to assassinate for me. Inducing comas or concussions will only be worth half-credit. You'll get extra credit for creativity. And by that, I mean poisoning the guy's soup instead of just shooting him in back of the head. However, you will lose points if the police find any evidence linking you to the crime. Henry: (confused) Uh, sir, what are you talking about? What is the assignment? Professor Edwards: You didn't hear me? I said that you guys are going to "take out" people for me. Henry: (horrified) But this is an economics class! Professor Edwards: (dead seriously) And? Henry: (shouting) This isn't an assassination school! Professor Edwards: (calmly) So what? I'm the teacher and I can assign you guys whatever work I want. If I can make you write a twenty-page paper on the effect of fluctuating price levels in third-world countries, I can have you kill people. Right? [The class, minus Henry, agrees with Professor Edwards' logic.] Henry: (rationalizing) Okay, say I go along with this. Who exactly do you want us to "take out" for you? Professor Edwards: Oh, you know, just random people like some of the teachers here who have tenure and my landlord. Oh yeah, Spanky gets to take out my mailman. He's pretty old, so it shouldn't be too bad. Henry: (horrified) That's insane! I for one refuse to go along with this! Professor Edwards: (shouting) Oh really? Maybe I'll just have to add you to the list then! Henry: (shouting) Fine, go ahead! My uncle is a lawyer! Professor Edwards: (calming down) Look, Henry, your grade depends on this. If you refuse to participate, I will fail you. And if I fail you, you won't be able to go to graduate school and you'll wind up at a dead-end job like working at Wendy's. Spanky: (insulted) Hey! Henry: Oh right, sorry, Spanky. But it's true. You know that, right? You really need to get out of that place. Spanky: (hangs his head in shame) Yeah, I know. Professor Edwards: Now, does anybody else have any objections? [The classmates are silent. Henry is mortified by his peers.] Henry: You guys can't be serious! (turns to Pat) Pat, you can't kill somebody! It isn't in you! Pat: (seriously) It is if it'll get me into medical school. Henry: (desperately) Johnny? Johnny: (happily) I don't know, it sounds like fun. Henry: (exasperated) Okay, I give up. Just out of curiosity, who do you want me to "take out?" Professor Edwards: Let me check. (opens the file folder and consults his list) I've assigned you the task of getting rid of the chemical engineering professor, Dr. Roberts. He always steals my parking space, and quite frankly, I've gotten tired of it. (gives Henry a stern look) Are you sure you'll do it? I know you had him last year, so I'll understand if you have a conflict of interest. I can assign you someone else if you want. Henry: (giving up) No, I'll do it. Professor Henry: (pleased) Great. I'll e-mail each of you your assignments tonight. We'll meet back here in one week. Class dismissed. [SCENE: Professor Edwards' classroom. One week later.] Spanky: I tied him to a chair in his garage and left his mail truck running! Johnny: I challenged him to a game of Russian Roulette, except I secretly put bullets in all of the chambers and had him go first! Pat: I played Pauly Shore movies for her nonstop until she gouged her eyes out! Professor Edwards: Okay, class, settle down. I just want to say that I'm proud of all of you. Each morning I'd wake up and read the obituary section and I'd just be delighted. But, I must say, Henry, that I'm very disappointed in you for not completing the assignment. I assigned Steve over there to take care of you, but I decided to give you a chance to explain yourself. Henry: Oh, well, I actually laid the groundwork this morning. It should be taken care of by this afternoon. Professor Edwards: (pleasantly surprised) Oh really? Well, I guess that's okay. I'm proud of you, Henry. Henry: Yeah, well, I knew I didn't have much choice. Professor Edwards: Exactly. Okay then, class, it's time for the next assignment. How good are you at scalping? Johnny: You want us to scalp concert tickets? Professor Edwards: No, people. First person to reach five gets exempt from the final exam. [SCENE: Sometime after class. Spanky and Henry are talking in a school hallway.] Spanky: So, man, what really made you change your mind? Henry: Well, I was about to call the police on Professor Edwards, but then I just decided to go for it since everyone else was okay with it. I figure the more people they arrest, the lighter the sentence will be. I think that we'll have at least a few days before the police connect all the dots. Spanky: Yeah, exactly. So, what did you do to your target? Henry: I cut the brakes on Dr. Roberts' red Jaguar this morning after I got to school. I figure he'll be wasted on his ride home. Spanky: (confused) Red Jaguar? (yelling) Professor Edwards drives a red Jaguar! I waxed it for him last week for extra credit! Henry: (confused) What? But he said Dr. Roberts always parks in his space! [Coughing can be heard as Dr. Roberts enters the scene and approaches the boys.] Dr. Roberts: (wheezing) Hello, boys. Surprised you're here after-hours. I just came in to get the quizzes the substitute left for me. (continues coughing and leaves the scene) Henry: (horrified) Oh boy. [Cut to Professor Edwards in his car driving home] Professor Edwards: What a great class. They'll do anything I tell them just so they can get a decent grade. I should start having them do my laundry and cook my meals. (notices something is wrong) Hey, I'm not stopping! (screaming) AHHHHH! (realizes his predicament) How ironic is this? (resumes screaming) AHHHHH! [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
