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Ryan.....Seth Meyers Julie.....Amy Poehler Evangelista.....Jason Bateman [ fade in ] [ int. Bungalow – Evening ] [ Ryan and Julie, a vacationing couple, lounge in silk robes. Tropical music flutters as they sip drinks from split coconuts ] Ryan: I’m so glad we were able to come here and lose the twins for a week, just the two of us. Julie: This really is romantic. [ they begin to cuddle ] [ a classically dressed male angel (no wings, just lots of flowing robes) named Evangelista enters and begins clearing his throat ] Evangelista: Ahem. Ryan: [ protective ] Who are you? Evangelista: I am [ spreads arms as a golden light shines from above ] Evangelista, your guardian angel. [ angelic “ahhhs” decrescendo in background as light fades ] Julie: Saint Tiresias, are we in danger? Evangelista: There’s no Saint Tiresias, he was just a blind guy in ancient Greece that… [ notices Ryan and Julie’s blank stares ] Anyway, no, you’re not in any danger, though you really should think about having the Intrepid’s drive shaft examined. Julie: [ elbowing Ryan ] I told you! Evangelista: I’ve just been sent with a message. You guys are familiar with Genesis, right? God created everything, Adam and Eve and all that? Ryan: Yeah, we’re pretty good about that. Evangelista: You know that line, “Be fruitful and multiply?” Julie: Yip. Evangelista: Well, there’s no easy way to put this, but we in heaven would really recommend you cut back a little on the “multiply” part. Ryan: I’m not really sure I understand. Evangelista: Right now, there are over 6 billion people on the Earth. That’s enough. We’re good. Hold off. Julie: But what does this have to do with us? Evangelista: You have two kids at home already, and you love them, and that’s great. But, and speaking with the knowledge of a guardian angel, [ brief pause for heavenly light and “ahhs” ] if you two form that divine embrace right now, number three will be on the way. Think of me as a Speed Limit, not a Stop Sign. [ Ryan and Julie begin getting coyly embarrassed ] Ryan: Well, who said anything about that happening? Evangelista: What am I, blind? I’m your guardian angel, I’ve seen how you act when you’re headed towards conjugation, and this is most definitely one of those times. Julie: Saint Pliny the Elder! You’ve watched us have sex!?! Evangelista: Once again, not so much a saint as an ancient Roman historian… [ a beat ] Of course I have, I’m you’re guardian angel! I have a duty to protect you, regardless of what you’re doing. How’d you like it if you were getting intimate, and thwack! A tree lands on your house because I wasn’t there. Flattened! Not quite an image you’d want to leave the rescue workers, I think. Ryan: It just seems a little invasive to me… Evangelista: You two have nothing to be ashamed about; you’re a married couple enjoying the fullest aspect of your love. It’s a beautiful thing. I watch you fornicate all the time and it is amazing. All my guardian angel friends can’t believe I got such a divine couple to watch over. Attractive, pious and creative is a combination rarely found. Ryan: Okay… We appreciate the compliment in there, but you’re really starting to creep us out. Julie: The idea of a guy, even if he’s an angel, watching us… Evangelista: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Who said I was a dude? I am female, thank you very much. Evangelista. Ryan: You look like a dude to me. Evangelista: Thanks for hitting me where it hurts. I know, I know… if you’re female, why not just appear as one? Not everyone I’ve watched over has been as great as you two are, and sadly, appearing as a man was often the only way they would listen. Now I feel like I betrayed you because I just didn’t think about changing. It may not seem like much, but to a guardian angel, that’s like taking a thrown socket wrench to the testicles. Julie: Why don’t you just change back? Evangelista: I could, but it’d just be a cheap family cameo that already happened in the monologue. Ryan: [ hugging Julie in a “I’m still horny” way ] So what do we do now? Evangelista: Pretty much whatever you’d like that doesn’t make a baby. Have some fun with it. And in the future, I’d recommend a vasectomy. God created them for a reason. Julie: St. Nero, God created vasectomies!?! Evangelista: Okie… I’m not even going to touch that one. A little friendly advice, you may want to brush up on your saints before you embarrass yourself in front of someone who’s not eternally forgiving. And yes, God did create vasectomies. The technique was pioneered by a Dr. Jesus Cristos at Our Lady of Love Hospital in New Haven while the city experienced a dove population explosion. I’m not sure how we could have made it more obvious. Ryan: Well, you learn something new every day. [ Evangelista takes a seat and watches the couple ] Evangelista: Let me refill your piña coladas [ light and “ahhs” return as his commands are magically carried out ] light some candles, and put on some music for you. It’s the least I can do. [ Ryan and Julie start slowly making out as Evangelista looks on ] [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
