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Jim.....Jason Bateman The Pessimist.....Seth Meyers Large dog in sweater.....Fred Armisen Jim: Well, my work's done, I have ever cleaned up and know it's time to relax to another great episode of CSI. [picks up TV Guide] Hmm, apparently it's new tonight, should be good. [knock on door] Jim: Hmm, wonder who that could be. [opens door] Jim: Hello, do I know you? The Pessimist: Nope, but I know you. [enters the house] Jim: Excuse me but what do you want? The Pessimist: To open your eyes to your pathetic existence. Jim: What? The Pessimist: Come on Jimbo, let's face the facts - here it's a Saturday night and your home alone about to watch a CSI rerun. Jim: It's new tonight... The Pessimist: That doesn't matter. Look what happened to Saturday night plans, happy hour with a few firends, a date anything? Where is every one? Jim: Oh, tonight's just a quiet night at home, that's all. The Pessimist: Every night for you is a quiet night at home, Jim. You have no friends. Jim: Yes I do. The Pessimist: Who? Jim: Well, there's... The Pessimist: Come on, you know it and I know it. You don't even receive calls from MCI pushing their friends and family plan. Jim: Maybe I was just deleted off their list... The Pessimist: That's a convienent crutch. And what about when you go to Blockbuster and ask yourself, "Well, what do you want to rent tonight?" Jim: Are you like a clerk there or something?... The Pessimist: You're missing the point, Jim. You have no friends. For Christ's sake you're one of the five best solitaire players in the world. Jim: That's a skill buddy! And lay off! Geez, what are your Saturday night plans, to come and rain on my parade? The Pessimist: I spit. Jim: What? The Pessimist: I spit on your parade, it gets the message across better. And this is for your own good, not mine. Besides this is my job, I'm like a superhero spreading despair across the land. Jim: Fine, what should I do? The Pessimist: Well, the Superbowl's just past you should've thrown a party and got to know a few people. Jim: I did throw a party and it was a hoot thank you very much. The Pessimist: Since when is dressing your dogs up in sweaters and tying them to the furniture a hoot? Jim: Down boy! [Dog in sweater crosses] Jim: Shut up! The Pessimist: Yeah it must have been a hoot, hell you just about whittled away that entire keg from Superbowl '87 so... Jim: I like to conserve! The Pessimist: That's a damn lie. Look, maybe you could offer some co-workers tickets to a concert. But don't go to see James Taylor. Jim: Why? The Pessimist: Remember last time? He started singing "You've Got A Friend", saw you in the audience and stopped? Jim: Fine! Will you be my friend? The Pessimist: What, with a loser like you? Forget it. [Pessimist exits] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
