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Radford James.....Kenan Thompson Voigt Brownstone.....Jason Bateman Dealer Al.....Fred Armisen Table guy 1.....Seth Meyers Table guy 2.....Finesse Mitchell Table guy 3.....Chris Parnell [Open to a poker table, with 3 table guys (Meyers, Mitchell, Parnell) and Radford James (Kenan Thompson) already sitting down around it staring at a handful of cards. Voigt Brownstone (Jason Bateman) enters and sits down next to Radford.] Voigt: Dealer - Radford: His name is Al. Voigt: Sorry, Al. Radford: My name is Radford - like a Rad-Ford. Rad rhymes with Bad but not Sad cuz that's who I am. Voigt: Voigt Brownstone, nothing rhymes, I've tried. Radford: That's cool, hey, are you getting in this game or what? Al! Deal this gentleman in that he may rest his weary pocket book in our esteemed circle of gambling repertoire. [Dealer Al deals Voigt into the game.] Radford: It is a pleasure to be sitting next to such a worthy and admirable man. If I may say so, you have a breathtaking presence, being within three feet of you catches my wind just at the entrance of my bronchial tube and I'm caught. Just like my first director in the fifth grade. That was a man of power, and my friend - so are you. Voigt: Huh, well thank you. Funny you should compare me to a director; I'm actually, a director. [Dealer Al deals Voigt into the game and they all casually throw in their bets.] Radford: My dear director, you are in luck because here before you stands one of the most innovative character actors of this decade. Not that any actor would dare self-promote, that's not what this is. Self promotion is the stepping stone to a tabloid driven talent-less career; it is the evil to everything good in theatre. Voigt: So you want to audition. Radford: No. Not in the least. I could never do that; I could never cheapen my craft by begging for my life's blessings when I know they are just around the corner. [Voigt pulls a business card out of his back pocket. He and Radford add bets.] Voigt: Just send a reel, we'll call if interested. Radford: I don't need a charity card, synonymous with business card. I will show you my craft here, in front of all these witnesses all tinged with anticipation. [Cut to the three table guys. Guy 1 checks his phone, Guy two loosens and then tightens his tie absentmindedly, and guy three tugs on his ear lobe and continue betting. None of them are paying any attention to Radford.] Radford: Dealer Al, if you please - Dealer Al: (in a soft feminine tone) Life is full of problems, but your socks shouldn't be one of them. Radford: That's why I wear Hanes tube socks, with Lycra. Dealer Al: They give it extra stretch, to really go the mile. Radford: They're soft and strong. Dealer Al: Like my man. Radford: And scene, (breathing heavily) I know it touched me. I know it touched you. (Choking back a tear) Dealer Al: (In a strong, masculine voice) Call. [They turn in their cards, Radford wins.] Radford: Yes! Yes. Cards, exhilarating, but nothing compares to a stage or a screen, big or small I'm not picky. [Dealer Al deals everyone in again; they throw in bets and exchange cards as they talk.] Radford: There are few things which are as genuinely fulfilling as acting, as taking a character and making them realer than real. Surpassing reality lines, notions of good and bad, quality, process, all thrown out the window because the craft in its entity is greater than how it could ever be defined. It's easily the most life applicable occupation ever. [They both throw in bets.] Radford: Because its essence is the learning of character and human nature I am able to understand what makes men tick. Maybe it's a clock, maybe a bomb, maybe some gears or short circuiting wires, maybe it's a kid holding two sticks, maybe a creaky floor board. That's man, and an actor knows that and harnesses than into something greater, transcending that man into something greater more artful, more genuine, more. Dealer Al: Call. [They turn in their cards, Radford wins.] Voigt: Look I can't afford to keep losing like this. Radford: You can't afford to not have me in your next production. I win because I know these guys. I know what makes them tick; maybe it's a clock, maybe a bomb, maybe some gears or short circuiting wires, maybe it's a kid holding two sticks, maybe a creaky floor board. That's man, and an actor knows that. Voigt: You just said all that like two seconds ago. Radford: Because it's the truth, and truth needs to be spoken, as much as possible. Voigt: Oh yeah? Well look, I'm going to listen to you because I know two things about actors, they're long winded and they're honest. Their foundation is built on honesty. Radford: Amen, A-men. Dealer Al: I always thought it was based on being able to lie well enough to create a new sense of reality. Radford: Lie, fry, die, buy, sky, rye - bread - whatever, it's all relative. Now do you need someone to hold you hand and console you after you've lost 20 grand? Because I'll do it (cuddles up against him) for the right price. Or do you want someone who can throw down the skills and drag your ass up for the Emmy, Academy, SAG, Kids' choice awards that you deserve? Voigt: I'm ready, give it to me. Radford: The guy on your right checks his watch when he's got a bad hand, scared his momma will find out how much he's loosing. He's got a good hand when he checks his phone twice; he's waiting for his girlfriend to call so he can brag about how much he's winning. [Cut to Table guy 1 who checks his phone once. Voigt ups his bet.] Radford: The guy across from you loosens his tie when he's got a good hand, he's getting uncomfortable as he thinks "Now I can afford that hooker and the Rite Aid brand Champagne." Voigt: They sell Champagne? Radford: Oh yeah - it's on sale right now, two for $12. You can get everything you need at Rite Aid, like my first movie "Whale Watching", the story of a kind hearted over weight man's search for love. I actually gained the weight, no fat suit for me. I'm a method actor. Voigt: Back to the game, man. Radford: Right, when he's losing but will bet anyway, he wipes his hand across his forehead exhales and says, "Woo mama." And then he folds - Voigt: But that's what you're supposed to do. Radford: His hands! He folds his hands over his cards. [Cut to table guy two exhales and wipes his hand over his forehead saying, "Woo mama" and then folds his hands over his cards.] Radford: And the final man, to my right, he's though. When he's winning his face doesn't change at all. When he's losing but he'll bet he raises his left eyebrow first slightly and tugs on his earlobe. [Cut to table guy three who doesn't move at all.] Voigt: Oh no, he's got a great hand. Radford: Wait for it. [Table guy three slowly reaches up and tubs his earlobe.] Voigt: I'm all in. Dealer: Call. [Voigt wins and collects his chips.] Voigt: Now that's knockin' boots! Radford: What? Voigt: That's director talk for if I win this next game I'll get you a walk on part in my new sitcom. Radford: I could never accept such a generous offer in repayment of friendly and innocent services. My acting is a thing of integrity and honor, and I would love to play a walk on character, I would understand that character and exhibit him in an illuminating way, but I could not do it unless it was in reward for my craft and not my generosity of spirit. Voigt: Do you want it or not? Radford: Credited? Voigt: No. Radford: Sounds perfect. Voigt: Knockin' boots! [The entire table turns to stare at Voigt, including Radford.] Voigt: It just felt appropriate. Together: Knockin' boots! [Voigt collects his chips and exits. Radford deals in.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
