|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Seacrest.....Seth Meyers Stede Bonnet.....Jason Bateman Mary Read.....Rachel Dratch John Julian.....Kenan Thompson Chum.....Will Forte Roly.....Darrell Hammond Popeye.....Fred Armisen [Scene: Inside of a pirate ship. Piratey music plays. Seacrest stands in front of Stede Bonnet, Mary Read and John Julian who are seated at a table, facing Seacrest.] Seacrest: As the residents of the neighboring lands have been heard to remark upon the absence of adequate numbers of pirates in these waters, the Pirate Council decreed that you three, namely Stede Bonnet, Mary Read and John Julian, go out sailing together on this vessel known as the Golden Fox, to all major ports in the aforementioned lands, to find a worthy scoundrel to become, the next, Spanish Scourge! [An American Idol like symbol moves across the screen. Super ‘Spanish Scourge.’] Stede Bonnet: Thanks for telling us what we already knew. For whose benefit ye do that for each time I’ll n’er know. Who’s up first? Seacrest: Well, he’s got everything you think of when you think of a pirate. If you’re twelve! Here’s Roly. [Enter Roly. He’s got a peg leg, a patch on his eye, a hook for a hand and a parrot on his shoulder and is dressed kinda silly.] Roly: Arrgggh. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Stede Bonnet: Yo ho ho and hum, more like it. Roly: Arrrrgh. Watch what ye say or it’ll be 40 stripes for ya! John Julian: (half laughing)Oh you scurvy dawg, you can’t be serious…(shaking his head)oh scurvy dawg. Mary Read: Aye. It be a bit much. You seem to have been wounded an awful lot… Roly: Bah, tis nothing to a pirate such as I. I could lose up to four other functioning parts and still be scourge of the seas! Stede Bonnet: Can I see under your eye patch? Roly: Well…I suppose. But be awares, tis a gruesome site. [Roly lifts up his eyepatch to reveal his left eye is closed and it’s apparent Roly is putting in some effort to keep it that way. There is a pause as the three judges look on and Roly’s left eye opens.] Roly: Argghh...my left eye be a bit light sensitive...hence the eye patch...doctor’s orders. John Julian: Hey scurvy dawg, it looks like the part of your leg that’s missing is just tied up to the back of your leg. Roly: Uhh…Argggh, I have an arthritic knee. Walking on this piece of wood in this manner is far more comfortable for me than regular walking, that’s all. Mary Read: Is the hook for a hand real? Roly: (excited. Holding up hook)Aye, that one tis real! (motioning towards parrot)When Polly here says she wants a cracker, she wants it NOW! Argghhh, learned a good lesson that day. Stede Bonnet: You should lose the eye patch. If you ever meet a pirate with a real one, you’ll need the depth perception when you run away. Roly: (angry)Arghhh!!!(misses drawing his sword a few times then pulls eye patch up and draws pirate sword)that’s the end of you, you snotty English fool! I’m the greatest sword on the seas! Stede Bonnet: Oh no. [Stede Bonnet calmly takes gun out and shoots Roly then laughs smugly.] Roly: (talking like a high brow Englishman)Omigoodness you…you shot me…and in my good leg! (swoons)Medico! [Two pirates come onto the scene as Roly faints. As he’s pulled away you can see a big white streak on his back below where the parrot was sitting.] John Julian: Get the next one out here. Seacrest: Our second contestant goes by the name of Chum. So, tis fitting that I send him out in front of you lot. Stede Bonnet: Oh that be enough with your not so wise-cracking as well. John Julian: Aye, give it a rest matey. [Enter Chum. He’s dressed in tattered peasant garments and has an English accent.] Mary Read: Alright Chum, what makes ye think ye can be a pirate? Chum: Well, I ‘ave two legs right? One of ‘em is for kicking. Spanish hide, mind you. And the other is good for stomping. Mary Read: Stomping on Spanish hide? Chum: No, on fires. John Julian: Arr you scurvy dawg, there be not much use for fire stomping onboard a pirate ship. Chum: Well, I do like to start fires so I suppose it’s a good thing I can stomp ‘em out, ESPECIALLY on board a ship. Stede Bonnet: Next! This one ain’t ever gonna make it as a pirate. First off, there’ll n’er be a pirate named Chum. And no matter what the name, this one ain’t gonna make it. He’s more simple than 1 + 1. [Chum stomps twice with his stomping leg. A beat.] Chum: I forgot to mention that I’m good with the ‘rithmetic, thanks to (slaps leg twice)old stomper here. [Chum is ushered away.] Stede Bonnet: Seriously, these folks should show up with planks and walk them. Seacrest: Okay, our next contestant jumped aboard our ship and beat up twelve of our best men before becoming helpless as a baby lemur and twice as cuddly. He calls himself Popeye and if you don’t watch it…he’ll pop you in the eye. (a beat)Okay, that one wasn’t so great. [Enter Popeye] Popeye: (to self)Oy, what a revolting predicament. I know I seen Bluto come aboard...I gotsta find him so I can get back me goil, Olive Oyl. Mary Read: So, what makes ye think ye can be the scourge of the Spanish main? Popeye: Oy, did you say Spinach? Mary Read: No, I said Spanish. Popeye: Drats. Cuz I could really use some spinach rights about now. John Julian: Well, we be having roasted pig and spinach for lunch as it happens. Popeye: Hmmm, well then, count me in. (to self)At least until after lunch, uck yuk yuk yuk yuk. [Popeye does a little dance.] Stede Bonnet: Well, he appears to suffer from some sort of mental disturbance...but if that makes him crazy enough to board a ship full of pirates and fight his way to the audition then that’s all right by me. Mary Read: Aye, and I find him totally adorable. I like that he has only one eye but doesn’t feel the need to wear a patch to draw attention to it. John Julian: I guess it’s unanimous you scurvy dawg. Ye be going to Puerto Bello! Popeye: Oy, I’m flattered I am. I’ve never won anything before. You ain’t such a bad lot...I’ll feel bad pounding on ya after lunch, uck yuk yuk yuk yuk. [The group share a laugh.] Stede Bonnet: Speaking of which, let’s be on our way. [Everyone leaves for lunch. Seacrest stays.] Seacrest: Stay tuned mateys, because after the break we’ll have more hopeful pirates you’ll have to see to be believing! [Enter Stede Bonnet] Stede Bonnet: (looks into camera then at Seacrest)Seriously matey, we’re gonna have to get you some time in dry dock, soon. [Stede Bonnet puts his arm around Seacrest as they exit.] [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
|
