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Killer...Jason Bateman Sylvester...Seth Meyers Police Chief...Chris Parnell Cop 1...Finesse Mitchell Cop 2...Kenan Thompson (nighttime, hitman standing above ground while Sylvester is in big hole under ground, can see from his waist up; in the woods somewhere) Killer: Alright, get digging. Your time has come. Sylvester: Time for what? Killer: Don't play dumb with me. My boss picked you up on the street for a job, and you ratted us out! Sylvester: How did I rat you out? Killer: You kept on asking stupid questions at Joey No-Tongue's house. You got a little too curious with some of the items on our agenda. Sylvester: Can I help it if I like to know what I'm involved in? Killer: It wasn't any of your business. You were only a driver. Sylvester: A driver for what? Killer: Stop asking questions! (cut to theme song with flashy but crude graphics such as Mr. Short-Term Memory or It's Pat, cheery theme song) Theme Song Singer: "He asks folks things That nobody wants to answer When he gets curious It's like he's a cancer. Like a roving reporter People get impressions But the only point we know is that Sylvester Asks The Questions." (Title: Sylvester Asks The Questions) Killer: I've had enough of you, just start digging. Sylvester: Where's the shovel? Killer: Right there next to you. Sylvester: Can I get a bigger shovel? Killer: Why? Sylvester: I asked you first. Killer: No. What, do you want this to go by quickly? Are you scared? Sylvester: Do I look scared? Killer: Look, shut up. Get digging. Sylvester: Is it just me, or is this hole too tight? Killer: Too tight, this is beautiful. Why I didn't bring my gun I will never know. Sylvester: Do you have a license? Killer: What? Sylvester: A gun license? You could go to jail if you don't have a gun license but you carry a pistol. Killer: Dig! Sylvester: How big should I make the grave? Killer: (incredibly annoyed, staring in despair at Sylvester for several seconds) You're joking. Sylvester: I want to be comfortable, but wouldn't it be better if I made it smaller? Killer: Why is that? Sylvester: Well, I'm kinda thinking on your behalf. It would be harder to find my crumpled-up body in a smaller grave than a larger grave. Wouldn't you think? Killer: (contemplating) You might be right. It really doesn't matter. Sylvester: How deep should I go? Killer: How deep? Sylvester: Yeah, I mean a couple more feet. Maybe I could dig to China. (laughs) Killer: You do know that I am here to murder you. Sylvester: Would you tell me something I don't know? Killer: I have had just about enough of you. Get digging or I will find a stick, whittle it into a gun, and shoot you. Now here's the shovel. Sylvester: Do you have any gloves? Killer: No. Sylvester: I can't dig without gloves. Maybe you could hang me over near that tall tree? Got any rope? Killer: Believe me, I want to. But no rope. Sylvester: Are there any better ways of killing me? Killer: I'm sure a slow death would be great for you. Sylvester: Perhaps leaving me in the woods to die would be good? Killer: Stop talking to me. These questions, they're going to drive me crazy. Why do you ask so many questions? Does it amuse you, that people are annoyed by them? That every question is more and more drilling to the brain makes you happy, doesn't it? I'm not going to take it anymore. Now you start digging, or I will make sure that you go to Hell with me when I die. Sylvester: Fair enough. I shall begin digging. Killer: Oh, thank God. Sylvester: What time is it? Killer: Oh no. Sylvester: You can't tell me what time it is? What kind of person would not answer someone's plea for the correct time? I don't have a watch on, and wouldn't it be courteous for you to tell me the proper timeframe? Killer: I'm going to kill you. (police cars drive through but are not shown only heard, cops and officer come out) Police Chief: Ah, we finally got Tony O'Shea. The Irish Mafia demiboss. We've been looking far and wide for you, my boy. And now with a witness to you and your dastardly deeds, we can you put you away for good. Killer: Jail? Great. Just keep me away from that guy. He's nuts. Get him away from me, now!!! (cops take killer away) Police Chief: You did some fine work there, Sylvester. You truly are a hero, and the police force needs more volunteers like yourself. Since we will be using you in court to find him guilty, we need to discuss Witness Relocation Program with you. Sylvester: What is that? Police Chief: Well, I will explain it on the way back to town. Sylvester: Is that when people change their names and move away to a different state or country? Police Chief: Ah, yes, somewhat. Sylvester: Can I go to Canada? Police Chief: We'll talk about it. Sylvester: Don't you find it strange that they talk so funny up there? With the 'ehs" and the "rights"? They go "Pretty cold up here, eh? I'm going to see the hockey game, right." I mean, what is that? Police Chief: Boys, why don't we put that hole to good use. Cop 1: Sure thing, chief. Cop 2: We're on it. (cops start digging) Sylvester: Ya know, you could lose your job for murdering me, right? (cops pick up Sylvester) You two are strong, eh? Please don't kill me. (cops drop him in hole) Sylvester: Don't leave me out here. Police Chief: It's okay. It's part of the program. Just stay put. Think of a new name. (car squeals away, can't see Sylvester because he is in big hole) Sylvester: Wow, this is some big hole. How many bugs are in here? Is that a snake? Yep, it is. Wow, what could I change my name to? Ross? Osgood? Menachim? So many choices. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
