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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler .....Seth Meyers Will Smith.....Finesse Mitchell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. General Motors is recalling 200,000 vehicles with defects including brakes, gas pedals, and windshields. The recall is expected to have more participation than the last presidential election. Congrats to GM! Amy Poehler: Canadian officials have ordered a drug for ADHD off the market because of reported links to sudden deaths. It should be noted that the drugs caused fatal falls, due to the prescriptions being on the very, very, very high shelf. Tina Fey: A car bomb exploded in a heavily populated Baghdad square Thursday, killing at least two Iraqis. Well, there goes the record. (Fey shows eraser board stating, "2 hours since last murdering"; erases 2 hours) I think I'm starting to get carpal tunnel syndrome. Amy Poehler: U.S. officials are upset at the turnout of the Iraqi election weeks ago, saying this is a sign that progress in that country will be a long and tough ordeal. Funnyman Carrot Top replied that more people showed up to his movie "Chairman Of The Board", and tried wiping away the tears without us noticing. We noticed, Red! Tina Fey: Cream has been on a recent reunion tour of the U.K., after not being together for nearly three decades. Eric Clapton said, "It is great that there are so many fans of ours still out there wanting to listen to us again. We hope to get the tour all over Europe, and perhaps the States." Ginger Baker went on to say, "I thought I was dead." North Korea has announced that they do indeed have nuclear weapons and rejected disarmament procedures to an "increasingly hostile" United States. With the growing threat in Korea, George W. Bush has decided to go to war with some other little country we hate. Amy Poehler: The Reverend Al Sharpton has come together with PETA with objections over KFC’s “supposed” treatment of chickens. Isn’t it ironic that a black man is coming forward with his hatred of fried chicken? Take a picture, it doesn’t happen often! Actors Joshua Jackson and Christina Ricci are in a new film called “CURSED”. The film is about 2 actors who are cursed who are only known for their previous work as “Wednesday Adams” in “The Addams Family” films and as “that kid” in “The Mighty Ducks” films. Amy Poehler: And now, here with a message to the Pope, Seth Meyers. Seth Meyers: Hi, I’m Seth Meyers. I’ve been chosen to come out and wish the Pope a speedy recovery and good health as he convalesces at home in the Vatican. On behalf of us all, we wish the Holy Father all our best. Well except for Amy… Amy Poehler: What? I like the Pope…I wish him well. Seth Meyers: Yeah right. We all remember that ‘Fight the real enemy’ stunt you pulled where you ripped up his picture. Amy Poehler: Huh? That wasn’t me…that was Sinead O’Connor…years ago. Seth Meyers: Look, this is about the Pope, okay, not about your continuing hatred for the Pope. Honestly. Amy Poehler: I don’t hate him. Seth Meyers: Anyways, I’m sure the Pontiff will make a full recovery, but this recent incident did get me thinking. Even if the Pope lives to be a thousand, at some point they’re going to want to get a new pope. That’s why I’m declaring my intention to run for pope. I’ll be the best pope ever. I promise. For starters, let's discuss what kind of hat I plan on wearing. My hat will go up for about two feet and then go out for about 4 feet, making it T-like in appearance. Now get this, if some bad guys walk up to me like “Hey Pope, give us all your money.”, here’s what I do. First I stop, nod and smile menacingly. Brief pause. Now I start spinning around really really fast, then fall to my knees, and in doing so, render my would be assailants unconscious in a matter of seconds. Afterwards I’d spring to my feet and be like: "You just got Pope’d!" Then I’d forgive them and send them on their way. Such a hat could also conceivably be used as a set of paddles for canoeing, should the need arise. [Seth Meyers moves his head as though he’s paddling with his T hat] Amy Poehler: First of all, being a pope has nothing to do with what kind of hat you wear. And going back to the muggers thing, uh, doesn’t the Pope have the Swiss Army Guard protecting him? Seth Meyers: Apparently not. Thank goodness I had the hat! I mean come on, since when does Switzerland even have an army? They’re always neutral. Here are some things I trust the Swiss Army Guards to do. Wind my watch. Get me some sweet tasting chocolate. Hold my money for me. Here are some things I don’t trust the Swiss Army Guard to do. Guard me! I’ll probably get P. Diddy’s people to help out in that respect. I think that’ll not only keep me safe but it will also really appeal to the youth of today. But mostly, everyone will be wowed by my hat. Amy Poehler: I think it’d look ridiculous. Seth Meyers: Whoa Amy, drop the hate, I’m not the Pope...yet. Good night, and speedy recovery to the Pope! Amy Poehler: Seth Meyers, everyone. Tina Fey: In England this week a woman was sentenced to two years in prison after ripping off an ex-lover's testicles with her bare hands. When her other former lovers were interviewed, each one of them replied: (high pitch voice) "She's crazy" Amy Poehler: In Mexico, local drug gangs have forced Indian tribes to grow marijuana and other drug plants in place of their traditional crops, which would explain why all the Indians' teepees are now rainbow patterns. Tina Fey: A recent health study has shown that parents shouldn't feed their young kids juice, even the all-natural kind, because it is about as good for them as soda. Thanks science, you've ruined yet another fun thing for kids; first they could only have oh so many carbs and now this, thanks a lot. Amy Poehler: In drug news this week it was found that with the current deer population grazing, Ginseng would have no chance at a long term survival so in order to keep Ginseng deers can be hunted unlimited and we must get used to scenes such as this. (The scene changes to Bambi where Bambi is crying "Mother!") Tina Fey: In Entertainment news this week, the Michael Jackson case is heating up with media stationed around the clock at the courthouse to get the first most important scoop. Oh yeah, and a 9.7 earthquake destroyed California, millions dead, blah blah blah. This past Sunday, in Jacksonville, Florida, Paul McCartney performed during half time at the Super Bowl. In other Beatles news, Ringo Starr watched last year’s Super Bowl and can’t believe Janet Jackson flashed her titty! Amy Poehler: In the Michael Jackson court case, actor turned singer Corey Feldman has been subpoenaed for testimony related to the case. In a related story, Corey Haim is jury member number 8. The cast of "Friends", this week, were given honorary lifetime achievement awards by the Emmy committee for their collective work as actors where were pretending to be friends for 10 years in prime-time. Congrats! Tina Fey: Ladies, don't know what to get your man for Valentine's Day? Try the Paris Hilton. It's easy to get into and it will make all of your man's fantasies you never want to do, come true. Paris will just lay there and moan as much as your man wants. So, this Valentine's Day, don't get him a box of candy or a health club memebership...get him a Paris Hilton. And now here with some Valentine's Day help for men is the star of the new film, HITCH, Will Smith. Will Smith: Thank you Tina. You know in my new film, I play a guy who knows what women want to hear and I try to give that advice to men, so they can get some Big Willie Style! (Laughs) But seriously, folks, there are men out there that need my help, so tonight, I decided to do what I can to help the troubled love-sick men of America...and Canada. (Laughs) I'm just kidding, those guys up north are freezing their asses off, they are not thinkin' of women. So here is Will Smith's List for men struggling to get some Big Willie Style. First, don't call getting "some action", getting some action. It's weak and you are just playin' yourself. Second, when on the phone with a lady, a woman, a girl...always mention that you like the work of Will Smith. Brownie points fellas! Third, when making out with a girl, always, always make sure you have one of my CD's on. I don't care if it's the Men In Black soundtrack or my early stuff as "The Fresh Prince", just make sure you have it playing...in heavy rotation. Men, do all these things you will be sure to get some "Big Willie Style". (Laughs) Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!! Tina Fey: Will Smith, everyone. Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
