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Bob.....Will Forte Scrooge.....Jason Bateman Fred.....Seth Meyers Landlord.....Darrell Hammond Marla.....Amy Poehler Past.....Chris Parnell Young Scrooge.....Fred Armisen Emma.....Maya Rudolph Present.....Tom Brady (cameo) Marie.....Tina Fey Future.....Rachel Dratch Guy in walker.....Kenan Thompson Guy with cane.....Horatio Sanz (Open on a businessman's office, with his secretary.) Bob: Brr, it's cold in here. Do you think we could turn up the heat a little? Scrooge: Nope. Unless you want to sell yourself to an oil sheikh, this office is not going to use any more petroleum than absolutely necessary. Bob: But we haven't been affected by the de- Scrooge: Quiet, toad. Do your work and let me do mine. Bob: (resigned) Yes, sir. (Door opens, and a young man walks in carrying a paper Valentine. He yells joyfully as he enters.) Fred: Hello, Uncle! Scrooge: Whaddya know, it's my least favorite nephew. Fred: (unfazed) Silly, I'm your only nephew! Scrooge: Ah yes. What do you want? Fred: I've come to invite you to a Valentine's Day tea party. (Bob smiles, anticipating Scrooge's reaction.) Scrooge: I'm sorry, what did you say? To me it sounded like you were inviting me to a tea party. Fred: I am! (hands him Valentine) Scrooge: (Takes it, then sneers and tosses it aside) I always knew you were a queer. Fred: (rolls his eyes) Uncle, I'm bringing my girlfriend to the party. You can finally meet her! Scrooge: Oh, goody. Do I have to hug him? Fred: (ignores this comment) …But most of the people at the party will be singles. I'm trying to help some of my friends get hooked up. Scrooge: Aha, so that's what you're really up to, you're dealing drugs! Fred: Aw, come on, it's Valentine's! Scrooge: Valentine's Day is just another scheme of the gift and greeting card industry. Any idiot that celebrates it should shove a long stemmed rose up their ass. With the thorns. (Bob and Fred look shocked.) Fred: So…will I be seeing you tomorrow? Scrooge: Go away! (Fred leaves, dejectedly.) Bob: Um…Mr. Scrooge? Scrooge: What, Bob? Bob: Well, I was hoping maybe I could leave early tomorrow night…'cause it's Valentine's, and all, I wanted to take Marie out… Scrooge: Why can't you do that on a bank holiday or something? Bob: Well…I know it would mean a lot to her to go tomorrow… Scrooge: All right, all right. I know women and their little anal retentive things. You can leave an hour early. But that means you need to be here an hour early in the morning! Bob: Thank you, sir! Scrooge: Humbug. (Clock hand moving is shown to demonstrate the passage of a few hours. Dissolve to Scrooge at home sleeping.) Ghostly Voice: Scrooooge… Scrooge: (wakes up with a start) Who's there? Voice: It's your landlord, moron. You forgot to turn in your rent check. Scrooge: …Oh. (wanders to the door) Do you mind? I'll turn it in tomorrow. Voice: Fine. (mumbles) Cheapskate. (Scrooge attempts to go back to bed. But there is somebody in it: the ghostly image of his dead girlfriend Marla.) Marla: Hiya, hotstuff. Remember me? Scrooge: (He screams.) What the…Marla…you're supposed to be dead!! Marla: It's called the afterlife, baby. And I'm living it to the limit. Scrooge: (still scared, but trying to play tough) Whatever. Nice to see you have no hard feelings about that incident with the arsenic in your latte. Marla: Oh, you're gonna pay for that when your time comes. That's why I'm here, to warn you of the eternal consequences if you don't change your ways. Scrooge: You mean I can actually redeem myself from murdering the woman who was my girlfriend? Marla: Well, I was a royal bitch, after all. That helps you, a little. But anyway, you will be visited by three spirits tonight. Scrooge: Oh, you bet I will, after this experience. Their names are Jack Daniels, Captain Morgan, and Sauza Diablo. Marla: (ignores this) Listen to them carefully. Farewell…(ripple transition to Scrooge waking up.) Scrooge: …Bah! Humbug. It was only a dream… Past: (Comes in through the window. Is wearing a white spandex outfit.) Scrooge, I am the spirit of Valentines Past. Scrooge: Okay…but why the hell did I have the window open? It's freezing! Past: Sorry, that was to make my entrance smoother. And anyway, we're going out there. Scrooge: Through the window?! Past: Well, do you really want to walk past your landlord with a guy in white spandex? Scrooge: Good point. (dissolve for a bit, then comes back to the same set.) Wait, I thought you were going to take me back in time! Past: Actually, I'm feeling rather lazy this evening. So I'm just going to show you your past as if it was a movie with a director's commentary. (Transition again, to school gym with kids square dancing. Focus on one group in particular.) There you are with your first love, Emma Thompson. Scrooge: She was such a sweet little girl. Past: Now, let's see how you show her how you feel. (We see a boy in the group deliberately cause a little girl to trip and fall.) Scrooge: Oops. Past: Uh huh. Scrooge: I was never good at starting conversations. Past: Okay, let's see if you did any better as a teenager…(clip changes to Young Scrooge, who is obviously pretty out of it, and Emma in a car) you managed to ask her to prom… Emma: I had a wonderful time. Young Scrooge: Mmm. Emma: I thought you were cute for the longest time, would you believe it? Young Scrooge: Mmm. (He moves forward a bit. She thinks he's going to kiss her and leans in as well, but then he falls over onto her lap and begins snoring. Emma looks frustrated. Transition back to Scrooge in bed as the voice of Past says) Past: Way to go, Romeo. (Scrooge wakes to the sound of a voice that is in the room) Voice: Hey! (Scrooge wakes up, and we see that the Ghost of Valentine Present is…Patriots quarterback Tom Brady??) Scrooge: You're…you're… Present: Yes, I am… Scrooge: …You're so tall! Present: (gives him a "Fine, whatever," look.) Look, just pay attention. (Dissolve to Bob and Marie's apartment. Marie is sitting by herself, when Bob opens the door and enters carry a bedraggled bouquet of roses.) Marie: Oh Bob, you shouldn't have! Bob: Don't worry, I found these in the dumpster, I didn't waste any money. (They beam at each other and kiss. Dissolve back to Scrooge as Present says) Present: Pretty sad, huh? Maybe you should raise his salary. (Before Scrooge opens his eyes, he speaks) Scrooge: Okay, I know the spirit of Valentines Yet To Come must be here, and he's supposed to be really scary. Spirit, are you there? (We see Future is a harmless-looking granny in a rocking chair.) Scrooge: Ahh! Future: Oh, don't take that tone with me, sonny. Listen up! (Dissolve to a senior bingo game. Two men are walking past.) Guy in walker: Bingo here isn't fun anymore. Guy with cane: It's because that guy always wins! Scrooge: How pathetic. Who are they talking about? (Camera pans to the winner's board. "Ebeneezer Scrooge" is written at the top) NOOO!! (Begin to dissolve back to Scrooge screaming) Spirit, tell me this is not inevitable, please let me change!! (He opens his eyes to find he's in his own bed.) Phew. (Dissolve to Scrooge, Fred, Bob and Marie, and others sitting around a table having tea.) Scrooge: God bless us, every one! Fred: (didn't hear) What? Scrooge: I mean, I love you guys. Everyone: Aww. Scrooge: Now could you pass the Earl Grey? (Fade.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
