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Leslie Stahl.....Hilary Swank Jeremy Toft.....Rob Riggle Richard Parsons.....Will Forte Sanford Weills.....Finesse Mitchell John Dooner.....Horatio Sanz Harvey Pitt.....Chris Parnell Paul Sarbanes.....Darrell Hammond [60 Minutes logo opens] [open on Stahl in the 60 Minutes studio] Leslie Stahl: Hello and welcome to 60 Minutes, tonight a special investigative report. It seems there is a disturbing trend occuring in the corporate world, fradulent corporate oaths. While the SEC and President Bush laud corporate executives for certifying their financial statements, investor groups poring over the pledges have noticed that nearly half of the CEOs and CFOs did not appear to have signed their own names. Among the nearly seven hundred oaths filed so far are those signed by General Motors CEO "Elvis." [Document fills the screen with the signature enlarged] Leslie Stahl: Energy firm Nucor's "Thomas The Tank Engine." [Document fills the screen with the signature enlarged] Leslie Stahl: And Merrill Lynch's cheif executive "Clifford the Big Red Dog." [Document fills the screen with the signature enlarged] Leslie Stahl: So we decided to talk to investor advocate Jeremy Toft about the newly discovered problem to try and get a better understanding of just what is going on in Corporate America. [cut to Jeremy Toft] Jeremy Toft: Maybe the executives didn't understand, but the idea was whoever's signature was on the certification would be personally liable if the company books turned out to be false. If they don't sign their own names, it kind of defeats the purpose. [cut back to Stahl in the studio] Leslie Stahl: Then, armed with that information, we thought we'd try to get an executive who fraudulently signed his certification to explain why he would attempt to cheat the system. [cut to with AOL Time Warner CEO Richard Parsons] Richard Parsons: Oh shit. I must have accidentally signed "Yoda" in a rush to get the forms in, I will correct this immediately. [cut to Stahl back in the studio] Leslie Stahl: And the "It's not our fault" defense seemed to run thick in the bunch. [cut to Citigroup CEO Sanford Weill] Sanford Weill: It was just a typo. I can assure you that no one name "Capt. Jean Luc Picard" actually works for the company. Leslie Stahl: A typo? It's a signature. You don't type up a signature. Sanford Weill: Well... Leslie Stahl: Well, we'd like the truth. Sanford Weill: [picks up the phone] Sorry, I'm busy now. Leslie Stahl: But that didn't even ring. [cut to the shutting door of the CEO's door] [cut to Stahl in the company hallway] Leslie Stahl: It seems we were lucky to get his comments though as Citigroup CFO "Jane Austen" could not be reached for comment. So while investor groups are skeptical of the signatures we began to wonder why the SEC wasn't investigating this matter so we spoke to SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt. [cut to Harvey Pitt] Harvey Pitt: I've only looked at a couple of filings, but I see here that according to WorldCom, it's run by Donald Duck and SpongeBob. That sounds right to me. [cut to Stahl in the studio] Leslie Stahl: However, Senator Paul Sarbanes, who co-sponsored the bill requiring the certifications, was livid. [cut to Senator Sarbanes] Paul Sarbanes: So if, for instance, Amgen's financials turn out to be false, shareholders are supposed to sue Cotton Mather? If that's the case, we'd be better off eliminating the oaths and going back to the old way. [cut to Stahl back in the studio] Leslie Stahl: The corporate world seemed to agree to Sarbane's proposition with Interpublic Group CEO John "Led Zeppelin" Dooner commenting: [cut to John Dooner] Dooner: Will you sign a pledge to that effect? [cut to the magazine cut where images supporting the stories pop up] Announcer: When we come back: "How Come Bald Guys Don't Have Hair?" and then: "Television News Magazines That Claim To Be A Certain Length, But When You Subtract The Commercials Are Really More Like 44 MInutes." But, first, a few minutes with Andy Rooney...so I guess we'll be seeing you next week, then. [the clock keeps ticking as the screen fades out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
