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Jacob.....Seth Meyers Man.....Chris Parnell Lucy.....Hilary Swank William.....Will Forte Dad.....Darrell Hammond Grandpa.....Fred Armisen [Scene: Man enters a hardware store. Jacob and William are in scene.] Man: Uh, excuse me, but I was pulling into a parking spot and I had a bit of an accident. Jacob: You wet yourself while parking? (laughs then returns to sweeping)I’m glad I’m not incontinent. Man: Uh...no, not that kind of accident. It seems that there was a box of nails in the parking spot and I didn’t notice it until it was too late...(Jacob and William look horrifired)yeah my tire is a mess and I feel like it’s kind of your responsibil... William: Please, tell me it wasn’t a small brown box of 3 and a half inch nails… Man: Actually I think it was...here’s one of the nails... Jacob: Oh...oh…I feel faint. William: (taking the nail)He’s run over Boxey! Man: Huh? Jacob: You ran over Boxey you cold-hearted bastard! William: (getting inbetween Jacob and Man) Now, now, brother, calm yourself down. Man: I...I don’t understand. William: (to Jacob) Go check on Boxey. (Jacob leaves. To man) Well you see, Boxey was the very first box of nails to come off the very first pallet of materials that ever came to the store. He...he was very special. Man: Well if it was that special what was it doing outside in the parking lot? William: Someone must have left the door open… Man: What? [Jacob enters] Jacob: Oh what a mess. Man: I know, my tire is full of nails. Jacob: (totally distraught)OHHH, it’s true...it’s true we’ll never be able to pull them all out...poor Boxey! William: (to man)Don’t blame yourself, it was an accident. Man: No...I’m not...blaming me, I’m blaming you guys... Dad: (offscreen)I’m here, you two better be working! William: (panicked)Oh no. It’s my father! Now there’s gonna be trouble. Man: Your father? Good, I think he’s the one I should be talking to. William: (giving the nail to Jacob)I’m not going to be the one to tell him about Boxey... Jacob: (throwing it back to William) Oh no u don’t. Man: What is going on? William: Oh, Boxey was very special to my Dad, as you can probably tell from the name of the store. After Boxey arrived he changed the name of the store from 'McMichelson and Sons' to 'McMichelson and Boxey'. Man: Hmmm...I always wondered what that name meant. This is ridiculous. [Dad enters] Dad: Ahh good, helping a customer I see. Good day to you sir. Man: Actually it’s not such a good day, you see... William: (interrupting. holding nail out.)I’m...I’m afraid I have some bad news Father... Dad: (panicked. Taking the nail)Oh no...please tell me it’s about your mother... William: I’m afraid not...Boxey has been run over. Dad: NO!!! Not Boxey! Oh why, why couldn’t it have been me instead! Man: What in the world is going on here? It was just a stupid box of nails! [William, Jacob and Dad stop their crying and look at Man with total disdain. They approach him angrily rolling up their sleeves.] Lucy: (offscreen)Hello! Good morning everyone. Dad: Omigoodness, it’s Lucy! William: (to Man)Whatever you do, don’t you dare speak ill of Boxey in front of Lucy. Man: Who is Lucy? Jacob: Boxey’s fiancee. They were to be married next week. Man: Okay, look...I don’t know what you guys are trying to pull here... [Lucy enters] Lucy: Hi everyone! Say, have any of you seen Boxey? [Everyone is silent.] Lucy: What...what’s going on? (noticing the nail Dad is holding. Taking the nail) Where’s Boxey? [William, Jacob and Dad look at Man.] Man: Well...I...I guess I kind of ran him over when I parked… Lucy: No. NO! [Lucy runs out the front door. A moment later she returns holding two handfuls of nails.] Lucy: (falling to her knees, letting the nails fall from her fingers)NO! Not Boxey! He...he was my one true love! [Lucy begins crying. Dad, Jacob and William look at Man.] Man: I...I... Grandpa: (offscreen)Hello! I’m back from my walk. Man: (moved by Lucy’s crying)Who is that? Dad: That’s Grandpa. He won’t be happy. William: Nope, Boxey pulled him out of a burning building. Saved Granpa’s life he did. Man: Pulled him out of a burning building? He was a hero… [Dad, Jacob and William nod. Grandpa enters carrying a box of nails(which is heavy). He plops it onto the counter.] Dad, Jacob, Lucy, William: BOXEY! [Dad, Jacob, Lucy and William run over and start hugging the box.] Grandpa: (breathing heavily)Yeah, I went for a walk with him around the block...huff huff...would have been back sooner but...huff huff...half way round he got tired and it was the least I could do to carry him the rest of the way...now I’m exhausted… [Grandpa faints and falls. Nobody notices as they’re too busy giving love to Boxey.] Man: (caressing Boxey and wiping a tear from his eye)You are a site for sore eyes! Don’t ever scare us like that again! [Everyone laughs nervously.] Man: Wait, if this is Boxey then who did I run over? William: Nobody. Just a box of nails. Man: (sighs happily)Thank goodness. (takes wallet out)Look, I was going to spend this money on new bathroom fixtures for the house but…(to Lucy)I want you to have it. I know my wife won't mind when I explain what happened. Lucy: Oh thank you sir! Man: It’s the least I can do. Please. Consider it a wedding present. Look I’m so sorry for all the trouble I caused…I think I’ll just go. [Man exits.] Lucy: (cuddling Boxey)Oh Boxey, I love you. [Music plays and a montage of pictures are shown. Lucy and Boxey at the altar. Lucy with smushed wedding cake on her face wagging her finger at Boxey. Lucy with her leg next to Boxey, waiting for him to remove the garter. Lucy and Boxey sitting on chairs on an island resort. Lucy and Boxey where Lucy has a big square belly. Lucy in a hospital bed holding a small bundled box of thumbtacks with Boxey by her side. Awww.] [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
