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Jared...Will Forte Customer 1...Seth Meyers Customer 2...Maya Rudolph Customer 3...Chris Parnell Customer 4...Kenan Thompson Customer 5...Hilary Swank (set in a bright room full of baubles and trinkets that are strewn throughout store; man standing behind counter; customer enters) Jared: Well, hello there. What can I do you for? Customer 1: Hi, I was wondering if you have anything to prank out a friend of mine. Jared: Okay. Customer 1: You see, I would love to get him with something food related. Jared: We have different kinds of gum. Customer 1: And what kinds are they? Jared: There's pepper gum and sulfuric acid gum. Customer 1: Sulfuric acid? Jared: Ah, yes, a hell of a lark. When he chews the gum, which has a tiny bit of sulfuric acid in it, he will notice quite a bit of pain in his mouth. Customer 1: (disturbed) Uh-huh. Jared: Uh-huh. It is actually his tongue melting off. Customer 1: I think that may be a little too extreme. Jared: Well, we do have these cans of spaghetti and meatballs of Chef Boyardoo. Customer 1: Okay. Jared: But, what we did, is we took a piece of glass, crushed into many fine pieces so they are virtually unrecognizable, put it in the sauce and if he eats enough over a given week, he will eventually succumb to the prank. Customer 1: You mean he'll die? Jared: (confused) Of course. Even he'll know he's dying when he coughs up blood every hour. Customer 1: I think I'll pass. Jared: Come again, we have jokes galore. (customer leaves, new customer enters) Jared: Hello, today. What can I do you for? Customer 2: Hi, my sister just got married, and I was wondering if I could get something funny for her honeymoon. Jared: I have just the thing. Check out these. (shows her a box) Customer 2: What are these? Jared: These are "birth-control pills". Or so they say. The funny thing is that they are not birth control pills at all, but mere placebos. Customer 2: So my sister will get pregnant? Jared: She very well could. But that's not all! The placebos contain very fine fragments of Thalidomide. Customer 2: Thalidomide?! That drug that gave hundreds of newborn children missing limbs or lobster-like claws? Jared: The very same. So, will that be cash or charge? Customer 2: I don't think so. This is very disturbing. I just wanted to give them like a sexually funny gift like edible underwear or funny clothes. Jared: Oh, I see. I do have these edible panties with the taste of human flesh. Customer 2: No way. (exits) (new customer enters) Jared: Can I help you, sir? Customer 3: Before I ask you, I was just wondering why the woman who just left this store was crying outside. Jared: Aaah, she probably couldn't handle the kind of humor that is within these walls. Customer 3: Wow, that's great. Because I was going to quit my job in a couple of days, and I wanted to leave my mark. I really hate my boss, and would love to teach him a lesson. Jared: Sounds good. I think I have exactly what you're looking for. (goes in backroom and comes back with cigar) Customer 3: A cigar, eh? Oh, wow!!! I thought they actually stopped making these. I never saw one of those exploding cigars before. He will be so embarrassed. Jared: You bet. But this one is unique. Customer 3: How is it unique? Jared: Well, it will explode. Customer 3: And get his face all sooty, right? Jared: No, it will explode. The cigar is made up mostly of gunpowder. It will tear his face apart. Customer 3: You're kidding. Jared: No way. His face will be red, blood red. I would love to see the look on his face, before it comes off. His face will... Customer 3: Alright, enough with the bad puns. I'm leaving. (exits) Jared: (yells) We have 50% off all metal-spiked condoms!!! (customer enters) Customer 4: Hey, man. Jared: How you doing, home-slice? Customer 4: (aggravated) Wonderful. Now, I'm looking for a little help. Jared: Sure. Customer 4: My father is turning 50 this week, and I wanted some of those Over The Hill joke card thingies that people buy. Jared: Oh, we have a section right over here. (walk over to card section) Customer 4: These look funny. Jared: You bet. Customer 4: Wait, what is this? Jared: Oh, this is a great one. Customer 4: Inside of every card is a naked picture of an old dude. Jared: Not just any old dude, my father! Customer 4: How is this funny? Jared: It isn't? Customer 4: No, it's disgusting. There's no joke in this thing. Just an old man with a very wrinkly... Jared: Okay, what did you have in mind? Customer 4: I remember seeing in a store something like an "old man fart" contraption. When you push the button, a speaker would shoot off farts. Jared: Oh, we do have one of those. (grabs speaker and gives button to customer) Customer 4: Can I push it? Jared: Sure. (button is pushed, and sounds are that of diarrheal and nasty defacation noise) Customer 4: No way, you are nuts. I'm outta here. (customer exits, new customer enters) Jared: Hello, and hopefully we can get you something today. Haven't had much luck all day. Customer 5: Well, I just need something simple for a college friend who just got into a sorority. Jared: How about these? Customer 5: What are they? (grabs sunglasses) Jared: They're a cheaply made pair of sunglasses. Customer 5: Oh yeah, are these beer goggles? Jared: No, they are entirely made of epsom salt. In the direct light of sun or any type of light for that matter, they will dissolve into the eyes, causing temporary or permanent blindness as well as horrible pain. Customer 5: Not what I had in mind. Jared: How about this beer nuts can? Customer 5: Too unoriginal. Jared: Ah, but instead of fake snakes... Customer 5: They're real? Jared: Real and poisonous. Ooohh, boy, are they poisonous. Customer 5: What else do you have? Jared: Strobe lights that causes seizures, uh, toxic ceramic mugs, uh, chocolate fingers... Customer 5: Real kind huh? Jared: Oh yeah. Customer 5: This is the sickest place I have ever been in. Who do you think would buy this stuff? Jared: You know average people. Businessmen, children, train-jumping hobos; what does it matter to you? Customer 5: Look at this stuff. Do you want people to maim their friends, or kill them? What are you doing? Look at this. You have a heavily endowed stuffed male dog; you have Halloween costumes that are made mostly of fiberglass insulation; many of your products were bought and produced in an area of the world where diseases are handed out like mail. Nobody would want to buy any of this. Jared: Hey, I'll get customers. You'll see. Customer 5: You have been open for 2 years. Jared: 2 and a half years. And what makes you think I haven't had a sale? I validate parking with any purchase. Customer 5: You validate? Jared: Yep. Customer 5: Alright, I'll take a bag of barbecue and saccharine flavored potato chips. Jared: 30 bucks. Customer 5: If the rat poison doesn't kill me, the price will. Jared: Bye, bye. (both laugh, customer exits) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
