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Angela.....Hilary Swank Kelly.....Amy Poehler Steve.....Will Forte Sean.....Seth Meyers Ms. Millaghi.....Tina Fey History Teacher.....Chris Parnell Kelly: So new girl… Angela: My name is Angela. Kelly: Sorry, Gina. So I heard you're going out with Sean. Angela: Well, I don't know if we're really- Kelly: (interrupts) Do you know who his last girlfriend was? Angela: Um, no, I didn't ask- Kelly: That would be me. Now, I'll go easy on you 'cause you're new. So you can go break up with him right now. Angela: What?! Why? Just because you used to go out with him? Kelly: Sorry babe, if I had dumped him, he would be fair game by now. But since he had the nerve to dump me, he's sentenced to celibacy for six months. Just to teach him a lesson, ya know? Angela: That's ridiculous. Buzz off, bitch. Kelly: Oh no you didn't. Angela: Oh yes she did! (All the guys start cheering and yelling "Catfight!") Kelly: Shut up, assmonkeys. (Guys quiet down, after some disappointed murmurs. Turns back to Angela.) I don't know about where you come from, but in my world, war isn't played out physically. But rest assured that you are going down, because I rule this school. (Storms off with her posse. Angela rolls her eyes and is about to walk away, but Steve stops her.) Steve: Aw, man, you're in for it now. Angela: Please. If she's not gonna punch me, what's she gonna do? Steve: Well, I don't know. She's a smart cookie though, so trust me, she'll find a way to screw you over. Angela: In the meantime however, I will be screwing her ex-boyfriend. (flounces off, while Steve shakes his head) (Screencap: 28 Days Later…) (Sean is at his locker. Angela comes up to him.) Angela: Hi Sean! Sean: Hey, Angie. How did you do today? Angela: What do you mean? Sean: Didn't you get your grades back? Angela: Oh. Right. Er, not so well...my parents are threatening to send me to boarding school if I don't do better, actually. Or Zimbabwe, although that was a joke, I think… Sean: Aw, that would suck. If you need help with your work, maybe I should introduce you to my ex-girlfriend Kelly. She's practically a given for valedictorian. Angela: Um…no thanks, I think I can work this out on my own. (Bell rings, students start going to class, including Sean. Angela stays out in the hallway, thinking aloud.) Angela: That little…What am I going to do? The teachers must be favoring her. She must be bribing them or something…and she's making sure my grade is sabotaged! This is so unfair. If only I could get some studying tips, someone to help me. I wish I had a tutor…but who am I talking to? Ms. Millaghi: (from behind her) Subconciously, I think you are talking to me. (Angela turns around to see Ms. Millaghi) Angela: Ms. Millaghi, I didn't know you were there… Ms. Millaghi: I was in the teacher's lounge, and I overheard you. Angela: But that's so far away! Ms. Millaghi: Angela, I'm a teacher, remember? I have the enhanced senses of a cat. Anyway, I want to help you. Angela: Oh. Well, I'd appreciate your help in English, because you teach that, but how can you help me with calculus and environmental sculpture? Ms. Millaghi: Well, my young grasshopper…wait a minute…(incredulous) did you just say you're taking "environmental sculpture? Angela: Did you just call me "young grasshopper"? Ms. Millaghi: Fair enough. Anyway, yes, I can help develop your skills in all intellectual pursuits, including calculus and even environmental sculpture, once I figure out what the hell that is. Angela: Why do you want to help me? Ms. Millaghi: Well, I see in you a potential to become something more. Someone great. I see you joining the ranks of the Literati. Angela: The what now? Ms. Millaghi: The Literati. It's an elite secret society of intellectuals. Kind of a cross between the Priory of Sion and Mensa. Angela: Wow. If I knew what either of those were, I'm sure I'd be impressed. Ms. Millaghi: Despite your general lack of knowledge, I am impressed by your intellect, wit, and cool head. I want to help you study-and not just to study-to achieve a higher level of perspective on the world. Angela: Whoa. Ms. Millaghi: Indeed. But are you prepared for the difficulties? You have much to learn, grasshopper. The road to the Literati is long and hard, but the reward lies at the end. Angela: If you'll help me, I'll do it, Ms. Millaghi. Ms. Millaghi: I am pleased you have chosen to follow the ways of the Literati. We will begin Saturday, eight AM sharp. Angela: (groans) You weren't kidding when you said this wouldn't be easy. Ms. Millaghi: The early bird gets the worm. Or, as we say, Einstein left early to escape the Nazis. Angela: Huh? Ms. Millaghi: Never mind. (Bright and early Saturday morning. Ms. Millaghi is in a room with Angela with stupendous stacks of books.) Angela: Holy crap. Ms. Millaghi: The traditional Literati expression of surprise is, "Great Scott!" although some of the younger members use "Sweet Yeats!" Angela: What are yeats? Ms. Millaghi: They make bread rise. Anyway, you need to get to work. Angela: What do I do? Ms. Millaghi: Read, silly! Today is a reading day. Other days I will have you doing more active brain-boggling stuff, but today you will just soak up knowledge like a sponge. Then when necessary you can wring the sponge…and let the wisdom drip out. Angela: Cool. Ms. Millaghi: Get going! (We see footage of Angela reading, solving math problems, looking at maps, conducting experiments [making something explode], looking at paintings in museums…then we go to a yard.) Angela: And this is my environmental sculpture! (We see an arrangement of stones that basically looks like Stonehenge.) Ms. Millaghi: Well, it looks like we could work a little more on originality. (We move to a history classroom.) Kelly: You know, in the movie of Alexander the Great they made him gay. It was so lame. Angela: Uh, they didn't make him gay. Alexander the Great was gay. Very gay, in fact. Almost too gay to stand up straight. (The class members laugh or look shocked.) Kelly: That's ridiculous. History Teacher: Actually, Angela is right. Better brush up on your history, Kelly. (Bell rings as Kelly makes a face. As Angela leaves the classroom she is stopped by Ms. Millaghi.) Ms. Millaghi: Congratulations on making valedictorian, Angela. Angela: Thanks. But when am I going to become part of the society? Ms. Millaghi: What? Angela: You know, (whispers) the Literati. Ms. Millaghi: Oh, that. Actually, there's something I should tell you…I kind of made that up. Angela: What?! Ms. Millaghi: Well, it did motivate you to achieve, didn't it? Angela: Yes…but what the hell? You didn't even know me, why would you invent some society just to make me study harder? Ms. Millaghi: Angela, there's something else I have to tell you… Angela: What? Ms. Millaghi: Angela, I am your mother. (Fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
