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.....Hilary Swank .....Chris Parnell [ fade in ] [ int. Home Base, Studio 8H – Saturday Night ] V/O: Ladies and Gentlemen, Hilary Swank! [ Hilary Swank enters to applause ] Hilary: Thank you, thank you. It’s great to be here tonight, hosting Saturday Night Live. As you all know, I’m in the movie Million Dollar Baby, which is up for seven Academy Awards. [ applause ] That was a difficult movie to do, very difficult, they had me training for months so that I could play a boxer in the film. The physical work was intense, they had me working punching bags, doing sit-ups, lifting weights. It was very difficult both physically and mentally. I never thought that I would ever land a job that required more blood, sweat and tears than Million Dollar Baby, that is, until they asked me to host this show. Hilary: This is a very tough show, there is a very strict hierarchy. You see, most members of the cast refused to even rehearse with me until I bested them in a competition of their choosing. Sanz talked a good game, but he fell quickly in the sumo ring. I drank Kenan under the table and freeclimbed Riggle’s apartment building faster. I then had to take down Amy, a judo black belt, and joust Darrell, a thrice-honored lancer of the British realm as it turns out. Rachel was a maniac in the school bus demolition derby. I think I was feeling a little tired by this point which is why Tina bagged a larger hammerhead than me in the barehanded shark hunting competition. You want to know the real reason she’s not in sketches much? That is why. And so that was Monday. Hilary: Actually, after Tina, almost everyone else was a breeze. Despite his claims, Armisen can not tap dance and Finesse’s arm wrestling bid was laughable. I also had the writers to get through, but if they were a challenge they’d be cast members. The only cast member I didn’t get to spar with yet was Chris Parnell. He said he had something special planned and wanted to do it in the monologue. I can’t imagine losing, so I said, “Bring it!” Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Parnell. [ Chris enters, sideways baseball cap on, microphone in hand ] Chris: Yo, what up bitch? Hilary: Aww, are you going to rap again? Chris: Uh-huh, you know it, bitch. [ a beat starts playing ] "You think you got it made Million Dollar Babe Wrapped the show up nicely like when robin laid an egg Surprise! MCP in front your eyes! See your demise lies before you not a prize What was that? I’ll summarize I planned a bid to slam the lid On the m-effing Next Karate Kid And that’s what I did." [ smugly hands microphone to Hilary as he motions to the audience for applause ] Chris: Yeah, let’s see her beat that! [ Hilary clocks Chris, who goes down hard ] Hilary: Looks like I win. Always protect yourself. We got a great show for you tonight. 50 Cent is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
