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Todd.....Rob Riggle Jan.....Rachel Dratch Full On Bastard.....Seth Meyers Cobra.....Hilary Swank [ fade in ] [ int. Tattoo Parlor – Day ] [ Todd and Jan, a mid 30’s engaged couple preoccupied with whether they’ve truly lived life, are seated in the front of a tattoo parlor, flipping through a binder of choices ] Jan: Ooh, I kind of like this one. Todd: Where would I put it? Jan: Right up here on your shoulder. [ makes a big deal of touching his shoulder, as if it were a huge display of affection ] Todd: You think it’d look alright? Jan: It would be great, and it could still be covered by a polo shirt. It’d be like our special tattoo. [ they kiss ] Todd: Alright, I’m really going to do this now. [ gets up and approaches the counter ] [ Full On Bastard, the colorful manager of the tattoo parlor, lounges with his back to the customers, playing a gameboy ] Todd: [ tentative ] Excuse me, sir? FOB: Name’s inked on the back. Todd: [ reading ] Full On Bastard? FOB: [ spinning ] Yo! What can I do for ya? Todd: I’d like to get a tattoo. FOB: [ feigning surprise ] No shit. Todd: Uhh, me and my fiancée, err, my fiancée and I, we settled on this eagle design. FOB: [ places clipboard on counter, rushes through next line ] Here’s the legal hackjob, I verify you are not drunk, high, strung out, or in any way under influence thank you return our pen. [ Todd and Jan begin going over the paperwork, FOB pushes into a ratty backroom ] FOB(OS): Cobra, your turn. Cobra(OS): Wha… FOB(OS): You’re on my clock, you’re doing my work. [ a splash is heard ] Cobra(OS): That was MY beer, you Full On Bastard. FOB(OS): Up, up, up. [ FOB returns and proceeds immediately to his gameboy, followed shortly by Cobra, a tattoo artist currently sleepy, wet and disheveled ] Cobra: [ yawning ] What time is it? FOB: Eleven. Cobra: [ squinting ] What’s with all the light then? FOB: Me and Shinjiru would appreciate if you canned the questions and let us fight to the bloody death. [ following this he becomes completely unresponsive ] Jan: It’s eleven a.m. Todd: We took the day off and are going out for seafood afterwards. Cobra: Terrific. Lovebirds. [ looks around ] Damn this place is a mess. You ever get that broom, FOB? [ a beat ] He’s out. We might have him back in an hour. Look, I gotta clean up; perhaps you could monogram some damn towels while you wait. [ Todd and Jan take her comments good-naturedly like insulted tourists who are determined to make the most of their vacation ] [ Cobra walks over to a chair, pushes off a pile of beer cans, and sweeps them aside with her foot. She then opens a minifridge, pulls out a cup of water and absentmindedly tosses it all over her face ] Cobra: K. What are we getting? [ puts gloves on ] Bless this home? A historical American flag? Parking for turtle lovers only? Jan: Todd’s going to get this eagle design. Todd: I’ve always thought I was tough enough for a tattoo, but the chance just never presented itself. Cobra: Have a seat. Todd: Alrighty. [ sits and rubs his hands together, Cobra begins prep ] Jan: My mom will never believe you got a tattoo. Cobra: But yet she earnestly believes the library keeps moving the fire hydrants on her. Your shirt is in the way, it needs to come off. [ Todd and Jan exchange a sappy smile before he proudly removes his shirt ] Cobra: This is going to sting, not much but probably enough to wipe that damn underwear model grin from your face. [ Jan rests her hands on Todd’s other arm while Cobra begins working ] FOB: Damn fireballs. Cobra, how do you make that ice spear again? Cobra: The hell would I know? FOB: Yo I got two nuts, you can suck one. Cobra: Is the other one saved for Ricardo? FOB: Hope you don’t mind sharing. [ Todd and Jan brighten at the brusque exchange ] Jan: Wow, this is a neat place. Todd: My golf bud— Ahhh! Cobra: Sorry. [ yawns ] Still damn tired. [ a bit of uncomfortable silence ] Cobra: This isn’t a vigil for a kitten you backed over, you can talk. Todd: Neither of us is very good at… Jan: …filling gaps in conversation. [ they laugh at the split sentence ] Cobra: What are you [ yawns ] planning on doing in [ yawns again ] I don’t care, a year? Todd: Well, after the wedding next month, we’re planning on starting a family. We’ve already gone SUV shopping and have talked with an investment councilor. Jan: We’re going to have a girl and a boy. Jamie, that’s the boy’s name, is going to play soccer and baseball and he’ll play drums in the school band. Haley is going to play tennis and the clarinet and she’ll be treasurer of the student council. Todd: We have it really planned out. Cobra: Mm-hmm, I bet you even started a collection of Family Circus strips. Todd: [ missing the sarcasm ] Yup. [ a beat ] What about you? Any life plans? Cobra: I’m going to see Mars Volta Saturday. Jan: [ slapping Todd across the bare chest ] Is there a man in your life? Cobra: Good idea. [ shouting ] FOB, I’m gonna get a damn man. FOB: Not while you’re living in the back room you’re not. Cobra: Damn, it’s tough fishing these days. Not ready for someone buying me kitchen magnets anyway. [ inspecting her work ] That looks like ass. Your arm sucks for eagles. Jan: [ walking around ] I think it looks excellent. Todd: It’s terrific. Cobra: Sounds good. I’m out of here. You can put your shirt back on, Sergeant Slaughter. [ exits into backroom, where the sound of someone plopping on a cot can be heard ] FOB: [ pausing his game ] How’d it go everything good no infection that’s good. [ Todd hands FOB a credit card and transaction completes as FOB pulls out a package ] Todd: Thank you. We had a great time and we’re glad you and Cobra didn’t change who you were on account of us. FOB: Sign here hope the wedding goes well here’s a potato peeler to start you off on your new life and happiness together whatever you won’t ever be back good bye. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
