|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mr. Baines...Chris Parnell Kyle...Seth Meyers Joey...Kenan Thompson Principal Victoria...Hilary Swank Roy the Janitor...Fred Armisen Superintendent Oxley...Will Forte Billy...Horatio Sanz [SCENE: A high school classroom. Mr. Baines, a science teacher, is instructing the class.] Mr. Baines: And that's how you can turn an earthquake into a fun experience. Any questions? Kyle: (raises his hand) Yeah, I've got a question. Mr. Baines: (points at Kyle) Go ahead, Kyle. Kyle: (throws his hands up into the air) Who cares? Mr. Baines: (surprised) Excuse me? Kyle: Who cares about learning about earthquakes? We live in Ohio, not California! Mr. Baines: Okay, Kyle, that's enough. Kyle: (shouting) No, it's not enough! I'm sick of learning stuff that I don't need to know! Mr. Baines: (shouting) Enough! Kyle: (continues shouting) No! Mr. Baines: Yes! Be quiet! Kyle: No! Mr. Baines: (takes a deep breath) Listen, you have to stop behaving like this. Can we just agree to disagree? Kyle: (giving up) Fine. Mr. Baines: Great. Now, everyone take out a piece of paper for a pop quiz. [The class groans collectively] Mr. Baines: Oh, come on. I haven't given you guys a pop quiz for a few weeks now. You all knew one was coming soon enough. [The members of the class each take out a piece of paper, except for Kyle, who just sits there.] Mr. Baines: Something wrong, Kyle? You're out of paper? Kyle: No, it's not that. I just don't need any. Mr. Baines: (amused) Oh really? And why is that? Kyle: (pleased with himself) Because I already know all the answers. Epicenter, wavelength, magnitude, Honduras, and 2. Joey: (angrily) Hey, that's not fair! He really does know all of the answers already! How'd he do that? Kyle: Simple. (proudly) I saw the quiz last night. Mr. Baines: (outraged) Darn it, Kyle! I told you to stop going through my computer files! Do you want me to get fired? Kyle: (quietly) No, Dad. Mr. Baines: (shouting) Then quit acting like this! When we're at school, I'm your teacher, so treat me with respect! When we're at home, you can do whatever you want to me! Kyle: (angrily) But you blow as a teacher! I hate being in your class! (screaming in frustration) RARARAGH! Mr. Baines: That's it, Kyle! I'm calling the principal! Kyle: (terrified) No! Mr. Baines: Yes! [Mr. Baines goes over to the phone by his desk and dials a number.] Mr. Baines: Principal Victoria? Yes, it's me. He's doing it again. Can you come down and take care of him? Thanks. (hangs up the phone). I didn't want to do that, Kyle, but you left me no other choice. If we were at home, I'd spank you, but if I tried to do that here, I'd lose my job, either for assault or for being a pedophile. [Principal Victoria enters the classroom] Mr. Baines: Ah, Principal Victoria. (points at Kyle) Kyle has been acting out again. Principal Victoria: (looks at Kyle angrily) Kyle! How many times have I told you to stop acting out when you're in your father's class! Kyle: (sheepishly) I'm sorry, Mom. Principal Victoria: (outraged) What? I told you to call me Principal Victoria when we're at school! You're getting detention for a month! Kyle: No! [The janitor pokes his head into the classroom] Roy the Janitor: Hey, what's going on in here? Principal Victoria: Nothing, Roy! Get back to work! Roy the Janitor: Oh okay. (notices Kyle) Hey, Kyle! Kyle: (glumly) Hey, Uncle Roy. [Superintendent Oxley enters the classroom] Superintendent Oxley: What's with all the commotion? Principal Victoria: (flustered) Oh, nothing, sir. Nothing at all. Just a family dispute. Superintendent Oxley: (annoyed) Again? Principal Victoria: Yes, sir. But we're working it out now. Superintendent Oxley: By having a shouting match? Kyle: I'm really sorry, Grandpa. This is all my fault. Superintendent Oxley: No, it's not your fault, Kyle. You're a good boy. I think this is my fault. Maybe assigning you all to the same school was a bad idea. (pauses for a second) Or was it? [Suddenly, Billy, a student, races into the classroom] Billy: I have breaking news! Some jocks from Richard Dean Anderson High School were just here and they stole our mascot! They stole Skippy the Dog! Kyle: (horrified) They took my dog? I've had him since I was six! (screaming) No! Superintendent Oxley: (muttering to himself) Yeah, it definitely was. Big mistake. A big mistake. [FADE OUT as everyone in the classroom is arguing] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
