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Announcer.....Chris Parnell Brian Williams.....Seth Meyers Donald Rumsfeld.....Darrell Hammond Reporter.....Fred Armisen .....Tina Fey (Fade in) Announcer: We interrupt this episode of “Fear Factor” for this late breaking news story. Now in New York, Brian Williams. Brian Williams: Good evening, I’m Brian Williams. More threats are coming from the Middle East, Jennifer Lopez has cancelled European tour and I’m not wearing any pants! Earlier this week, the CIA and the FBI said that a terrorist attack is a certain possibility…because they’ve watched us these last few months celebrating our beloved holidays. A rumor is out that Osama bin Laden was so lonely on Valentine’s Day, he made “whoopy” with a goat…and not his normal goat…”ole ball and chain”…but some other goat. Via rumor, she was a sexy and exotic goat. She reportedly did things, bin Laden’s regular goat never does. Well, enough about bin Laden and a goat; I’ve gotta go look at the Sport Illustrated Swimsuit issue. Donald Rumsfeld is speaking in Washington D.C…catch ya’ll on the flip side! (Cameras pan to Washington DC where Donald Rumsfeld is addressing the nation) Donald Rumsfeld: Hello jackals! Welcome to my party! Let me get down to the nitty gritty. A terrorist attack could happen at any time in the next 20 minutes…or it could happen at any time in the next 2 weeks. I don’t plan these things, that’s Karl Rove’s job. Oh, damn, I think I've let the cat out of the bag. I guess I’m going to get canned now! Whatever the case, America will be attacked on March 23rd by a group known at the “Hairy Bastards of Iraq-a-stan”. They are a bunch of crazy lunatics from Iraq and Afghanistan. To be perfectly honest, this idea was thought up when Karl Rove, Tom Ridge and I got shit face on some bad bargain liquor and smoked some sweet ass hash! I think someone slipped some "truth sermen" into my scotch and soda at lunch. So, if you want the honest answers, ask away! Reporter: Mr. Rumsfeld, is it true that you wanted to be a woman? Donald Rumsfeld: Yeah, that’s correct…by the way; sex with a tranny was the greatest experience of my life! Reporter #2: Do you like to sing rock out to "REO Speedwagon" when you are driving in your car alone? Donald Rumsfeld: Yes..."Keep On Loving You" is a truly rockin' tune. If you knock the REO, you're knocking the Rumsfeld! Oh, by the way, I like to wear women's panties, just for fun! I'm wearing them now. (Fade out) (Background Music - "Theme From The X-Files") (From home base, Tina Fey explains the previous sketch) Tina Fey: Hello. I’m Tina Fey. In the last sketch you just saw/read, what we here at SNL wanted to do was present an exaggeration of the real American government, kind of like “The Manchurian Candidate” or an episode of "The X Files". It’s an exaggeration or is it? And now to play with your head even more, “Live From New York, it’s Saturday night!” (Fade to opening credits) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
