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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Tommy Peters.....Will Forte .....Andy Richter Captain Stabbin.....Seth Meyers .....Don Pardo Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. In Singapore this week a group has begun a campaign urging couples to abstain from sex on Valentines Day. Apparently it worked since not one women in Singapore got a box of chocolates or flowers. Amy Poehler: Earlier this week Rome banned the use of cars and buses in many of its major cities in hopes of reducing the pollution around the country. Due to this the Mario Kart 500 was cancelled as well, come on you know he is an Italian eh! Tina Fey: The United Nations continued talks this week over whether or not to end its ban on Human cloning. Americans are urged to back the ban because do you really want to have two Paris Hiltons running around, I don't think so. Amy Poehler: This week the Democratic National Committee announced that it has elected Howard Dean as its new chairman. Dean has promised to turn down his flamboyant image in order to rebuild the Democratic. In fact here's a video of how he's planning to bring back power to the Democratic party in the White House. (Amy shows a clip from Dr. Strangelove where the soldier is riding a nuclear bomb screaming "Yeeha!") Tina Fey: In Japan this week a man held up a restaurant demanding to get the best sushi in the place. Japanese officials were quite annoyed with the man's act and decided to sacrifice him to their god (long pause) zilla. Amy Poehler: In health news this week a new study has shown that flu shots haven't helped save the lives of the elderly, apparently they are still dying after living 70 to 80 years, who could of guessed it? Tina Fey: Alright, so “Survivor” has started up again, right? Here’s an idea for the next one: Take the producers of “Survivor,” drop them on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The twist? Nobody ever gets voted off the island! Ever! Amy Poehler: A new study has found that getting more sun may lower the risk of prostrate cancer for men. I can no longer argue to my husband that sitting on a beach watching all the half-naked women is bad for him. Tina Fey: Two Kenyan boys had to undergo reconstructive surgery after having their penises cut off. A local belief says that a potion made from the penis of a virgin child is a cure for AIDS, and presumably the attackers planned to sell the amputated penises. What an idea! And you thought getting your kids to take cough syrup was bad! “Young man, you come back here and take your virgin penis right now. I mean it! I’m going to count to three…” The head of Army recruiting said Thursday that a military draft would not improve the quality of soldier over the current all-volunteer force. Here with a comment on this is high school senior, Tommy Peters. Tommy Peters: Hello Tina. Hello Amy. Both of you are super sexy. Tina Fey: Stick to your editorial, Tommy! Tommy Peters: Fine! The Army recruiters came to my school this past week, and I said no! I got plans…plans to be a badass unachiever. All I care about is playing PS2, sleeping late and making out with my girlfriend. And no one is going to take that from me! Mr. Bush, understand me when I say, I AM AN AMER-I-CAN’T, not an AMER-I-CAN! That is my motto in life and no one is going to take it from me. Not George W. Bush, Not Dick Cheney and certainly not the dork face I call “Mr. Salvadore”. Tina Fey: Who is Mr. Salvadore? Tommy Peters: He’s the butt-hole principle at my high school. If you’re watching this Mr. Dork Face, you can’t control me! Amy Poehler: Tommy, get you get the point of your rant, please? Tommy Peters: Fine! I will not be controlled! You can’t make me do anything. That’s all. Oh yeah, one more thing…Amy, Tina, I’m inviting you to come and see my band. We are performing at the VFW 798 post in Cheektowaga, New York this Thursday night. Amy Poehler: No thanks. Tina Fey: I’ll try and come, Tommy. My husband loves new rock bands! Tommy Peters: We’re a Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers cover band. We call ourselves “THE REFUGEES”. Tina Fey: Sounds great. Tommy Peters, everyone. Amy Poehler: Earlier this week it was announced that the NHL season would officially be cancelled. Wait a second something important is coming in, what's that nobody cares, very well ignore that story folks, ignore. Tina Fey: Earlier this week President Bush requested 82 billion dollars for the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. The high cost apparently is due to the fact that all the battleships will be made of gold. President Bush on Thursday named John Negroponte, a former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations and currently the administration's top representative in Iraq, to be America's first national intelligence director. Mr. Negroponte will endure some serious hardships with his job, like being the reason behind a nation incident involving the incorrect pronunciation of his last name. Negroponte will have a tough job as the national intelligence director. I say tough because to the President, Fallujah is something that happens when someone gets sick. Amy Poehler: President Bush's new budget calls for the University of Idaho to lose millions of dollars in federal funding, however more money will be funded to the University of Iowa. Bush said the reason for this is, "I'm more of a corn gotta of guy, little less a potato guy." Tina Fey: President Bush on Thursday said Syria is "out of step" with other nations in the Middle East and that he wants to consider Syria an endangered nation. Moments later, Karl Rove walked up to the President and said, "No, that's not until you've official become dictator of America." Amy Poehler: The President said this week that Syria should stop forces in Lebanon. He said, "Syria, stop being a lesbian! Lezbos are nothing but evil doers!" Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told a House hearing that the government could reasonably predict attacks would come from terrorism, weapons of mass destruction and other means. But what Rumsfeld didn't say was..."Hey, Iraq isn't a terrorist cell. No WMDs here!" Senator Hilary Clinton visited Iraq this weekend, where she was the victim of “friendly fire”. Amy Poehler: Robert James Ritchie: aka Kid Rock was arrested on Wednesday for assault in a bar. Apparently he started a fight with a DJ over his selection of songs. Folks that doesn’t even need a punch-line! Tina Fey: He actually looks happy in his mug shot pic. Oh I know why, he’s like "Hey it beats having to write another album and I get to see all my buddies in prison," "I wonder if anyone else likes to cut up the American Flag!" Last week, SNL forums and fan-sites were flooded with rumors that someone would make a cameo. Jason Bateman was supposed to bring a co-star to work with him in a sketch. Well, what happened was... Amy Poehler: I’ll explain what happened. I wanted my husband Will Arnett to appear on the show. We had a great sketch Blah Blah Awards(sarcastic). Will also caught me making out iwth Don Pardo. So he angrily left. Tina Fey: To remedy the situation, we decided to have a cameo on the Weekend Update. Now, it is short notice, but bear with us. Ladies and gentlemen, from another FOX sitcom, please welcome Andy Richter! (Andy wheels himself in on those rolling chairs) Andy Richter: Hello Tina and Amy. So, what’s going with you guys. Amy Poehler: Andy, it’s an open forum. You’ve got 5 minutes to say whatever you want. Didn’t you prepare something? Andy Richter: (Looks nervous) You know, I really didn’t prepare anything. I’m the biggest procrastinator. I’m on the same network as Arrested Development. My show is called Quintuplets... uh I don’t know who watches the show. I just got my 39 boxes of girl-scout cookies. I just love Samoas. I love to take Samoas with white chedder Cheez-Nips and make a sandwich. It tastes like a sugared boot. Amy Poehler: This was a waste of a cameo. Andy Richter: I can perform during 50 Cent’s performance. I can play the goat’s hooves! Amy Poehler: Goat’s hooves? (Andy takes out dried hooves wrapped in twine. He shakes them and they make a raspy sound. Similar to other percussion instruments.) Andy Richter: I killed a goat once, used the skin for my foot-mat. I used the horns as sex toys and made the hooves into an instrument. Tina Fey: You’re a sick freak. Besides, this is SNY. The musical guest doesn’t actually perform. Amy Poehler: Do you have anything relevant to say. Andy Richter: I like to take long walks in my mother’s attic. I collect animal feces from the park and I toss them into barber-shops. Did I mention I sneak into the NYU campus and I kidnap the grad students. I take them back to my place and threaten to tie them up naked and stab them with rusty nails. I take their place teaching the basic classes. I gave a whole new meaning to the Physics 101 class. Hahahaha! Tina Fey: Okay get that freak out of here. Andy Richter: Watch Quintuplets! Amy Poehler: It’s on Hiatus, you know it’ll be cancelled. (Security grabs Andy Richter and takes him away.) Tina Fey: News in the Robert Blake court case, Blake reportedly wept in court this week, when he was told what kind of time in prison he could expect if he is found guilty. How tragically ironic! Mr. Blake, you should remember…don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Actor Pierce Brosnan said this week that he wants a record $42 million to play James Bond in the next film. Asked how he would like the record pay, Brosnan said, “Shaken, not stirred. (Pause) Sorry…Hundred dollar bills, please.” Amy Poehler: Actor Matthew Perry is resting at home, this evening, after a hospital visit for a recurring drug addiction. Asked how he feels, Perry said, “Could I feel any better?” In other “Friends” news, David Schwimmer got a paper cut while reading the New York Times, and has patched the cut with a band aid. Get well soon, David! Tina Fey: Rumors are speculating that Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are dating. Weekend Update contacted Vince Vaughn and all he had to say was, trying to change the subject, “Double down, baby, double down!” A publisher who advanced him $300,000 for a memoir he never completed sued Sean “P. Diddy” Combs this week. Instead of counter suing, Combs has gotten to work writing the memoir in question. Combs says what he’s doing is taking Bill Clinton’s memoirs and adding a remixed hip-hop beat in the background. It’s sure to be a best seller. Amy Poehler: And here with a personal commentary is an Internet pornographer. Captain Stabbin: Hello. I’m the Captain. Some may know me as Captain Stabbin. I just wanted to talk to the people, this evening. There is a growing trend in the Internet porno industry and this trend is what I call, “fronting a celebrity”. Amy, Tina, you may not know what this is. Porno sites use a celebrity’s name to get you to come to their site…one site who remains nameless says they have video footage of Britney Spears getting back-doored. Another porn site says they have Jennifer Lopez giving a guy head. Both of these sites have no such thing. I believe a site entitled “cumfiesta” has a video of a big titty girl named Britney Spears getting boned. It’s a nice video and it was tastefully done. So what I’m trying to say is…ladies, if you ever see the Captain out on the hunt and I pick you, I will probably advertise you as…Watch me bang Lindsay Lohan! Fact of the matter is…the video is already done. I did Rachel Dratch in Don Pardo’s announcing booth before the show. And yes, Don watched. Isn’t that right, Don Pardo? Don Pardo: That’s right Captain! You slammed Dratch damn fine! This is Don Pardo saying, “Doggy style is always the way to go!” Back to you, Captain Stabbin! Captain Stabbin: I think I’ve said all there is to say. Don’t forget, go to “Captain-Stabbin.com”. Good night! Amy Poehler: The Captain, ladies and gentlemen! For Weekend Update, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
