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John/boss...Chris Parnell Kelly/new employee...Hilary Swank Tim/employee...Seth Meyers Susan/employee...Maya Rudolph Theodore...Will Forte Diane/employee...Amy Poehler (set in tiny office room, boss behind desk talking to new employee) John: You some incredible qualifications, if I do say so myself. I have a feeling you'll do great here at Cornerica. Kelly: To be honest, I never thought I would ever be working in the business section of a company that manufactures corn and corn-related products. It's a dream come true! John: Glad to hear it. I've needed a principal clerk for some time now, and I'm sure you'll be the best of any I've had. Kelly: I can't wait to get started. John: Well, let's show the office. Kelly: OK. (John shakes Kelly's hand, and they both exit into the big office-working section where everybody works) John: Here it is, where all the magic happens. If anybody wants corn, this is where the business begins. Telemarketing, accounting, sales, everything we do here in this office. Kelly: Cool. John: Here's some of our respected employees. Tim, right here. Tim: Hey, how you doing? John: And this is Susan. Susan: Hi there. John: I'm afraid there is no time right now to introduce you to everybody, for there is work to be done around here. Kelly: I understand. John: Now, here is your desk. You know what to do, enjoy! Kelly: Great to see ya. Tim: Welcome aboard. (suddenly a loud noise from the wall, where all workers backs are against) Theodore: HEEEEELLLLLOOOOOOO!!!! (workers turn around and see a very dirty, sarcastic, grumpy man cuffed to the wall, with long scruffy beard) Kelly: What the hell.... Theodore: Anybody going to introduce me, huh? The guy shackled to the wall, huh? Don't you people have any manners? Tim: Oh, geez. John: This is Theodore, a Southern prisoner from the Civil War who surrendered to the North at a battle in 1864. He has been here ever since. Kelly: 1864? John: I really don't want to explain it now, there is work to be done. Theodore: Oh yeah, don't explain! No need to explain anything to anybody about the 150-year old man! What kind of story would that be? Not very interesting. Nobody would want to know how I got shackled here, or why I'm in New York City, or anything like that, right. John: Look, just be quiet, Teddy! Theodore: Theodore, you heathen! Nobody calls me Teddy except my momma! John: Come on guys, let's get to work. (John, Tim, and Susan leave; Kelly sits down and notices that her desk is facing the grubby, grizzled prisoner) Kelly: Nice to meet you, Theodore. Theodore: What, is someone talking to me? I didn't notice, because everybody has been ignoring me ever since this building came to fruition 107 years ago, on January 14th, 1898. Kelly: You're good with dates. Theodore: It keeps me busy. Kelly: I have to get to work now. Thanks for stopping by and...oops. I mean... Theodore: Yeah, can't move. The shackles. Bolted to the wall. Not hard to get. Kelly: I'm sorry. Theodore: You don't care much how I got here, do ya? Not wondering why I'm still here after all these years? Doesn't strike you as odd? Kelly: I really don't car right now. I would like to start my work. Theodore: Okay, okay. I won't bother you anymore. No longer will the malnourished, stinky, half-naked ogre hassle the new pretty prom queen from Lovey-Dovey High. Kelly: What?!! Theodore: Don't worry. No more talky. Go to work. Kelly: Alright, I do have a question. Why are you so mean? Theodore: Of all the questions you could ask me!!! Not why I still look like a 30 year old, or how I'm still alive, or why I don't have much of a southern accent!!! But why I'm so mean. Maybe it's because I'm forced for eternity on an office wall, and not being able to itch my sack is what makes me angry. Kelly: Stop talking to me! Leave me alone. Theodore: Will do, tease! Kelly: What did you say?!! Theodore: No talking. (Kelly starts writing, worker comes over to desk) Diane: Hi, Kelly. I'm Diane. I'm sorry about disturbing while your're working, but I really wanted to meet you. Kelly: Oh, thank you. Diane: How do you like it so far? Kelly: Well....(eyes Theodore) Diane: Oh yeah, right. Theodore: You think I can't hear you? Just because I'm frail from not eating doesn't mean I can't hear. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. (starts crying) Diane: I'm sorry, Theodore. I guess I just took your being held captive for granted. Can I do anything for you? Theodore: Well, I haven't eaten since Tuesday (pause) Weld was a ten. But I would rather see you two make out. Kelly: Omigod. Diane: You're sick. Theodore: Hey, my sisters would do it all the time for me. Diane: That is disgusting. Later. (leaves) Kelly: You really are something. I'm taking you down from that wall or kill you trying. Theodore: Aren't you thinking I'm invincible, since I have been here for a century and a half? Kelly: I don't care. Theodore: Wait, wait. You can't take me down. I signed a treaty. Kelly: A treaty? For God's sake, this is 2005. The treaty is void, much like anything during the Civil War. Are you braindead? Theodore: Look, I signed a treaty. It's in my front pocket. Kelly: I'm not touching you down there. Theodore: Hey, I haven't had poon in a long, long time. Just take it. (Kelly grabs paper with a pencil and opens it up) Kelly: This treaty states that you will to be here 200 years for being part of the Confederacy. Theodore: Told ya. Kelly: It also says this treaty is unusable after the end of the Civil War. Theodore: Shut up! Kelly: You're a free man, and you didn't even know it. Theodore: You mean, I can really come down now? Kelly: You sure can. Theodore: I'd rather not. Kelly: What? Theodore: You heard me, I can't now. I have seen so many things over the years. With the advent of newspapers and televisions in the office, I have seen Prohibition; The Berlin Wall come down; the Titanic sinking; the invention of the airplane; the Watergate scandal; and the cancellation of "Night Court". I can't leave, it will destroy all of my loving memories. Kelly: That is so moving. Theodore: That ain't the only thing that's moving. Kelly: You are gross. (runs to bathroom) Theodore: I still got it. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
