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Announcer...Darrell Hammond John Walsh...Chris Parnell Kate Winslet...Hilary Swank Branford Marsalis...Finesse Mitchell [SCENE: The talk-show set of "The John Walsh Show." The show is starting and the theme song is playing in the background.] Announcer (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, here's your host, John Walsh! [John Walsh, dressed in his trademark leather jacket, comes out from behind the curtain and waves at the crowd. The theme song ends, and he begins to speak.] John Walsh: Thank you, thank you. Right up front, I just want to thank the fine people at NBC for giving me a second chance at hosting my own show. This time around, we're going with an actual talk-show with celebrity guests, not the "Montel Williams" rip-off that I had before. And we've even got a great band leader in Branford Marsalis. You guys probably know him from Jay Leno's show. What's going on, Branford? Branford Marsalis: Not much, John. Catch any fugitives over the weekend? John Walsh: (laughs) That's a good one, Bran-My-Man. We actually did get one guy, but you'll have to watch the show on Saturday to see how it all went down. "America's Most Wanted" at 9PM, Saturdays on FOX! Branford Marsalis: (laughing) Okay, man. John Walsh: (excitedly) Yeah! Let's start the show! [John Walsh walks over to his desk and sits down.] John Walsh: Okay, my first guest is an Academy-Award nominated actress who you all know from such movies as "Titanic" and "Finding Neverland." Please welcome Kate Winslet! [Kate Winslet comes on stage, shakes John Walsh's hand, and sits down in the guest chair.] John Walsh: Now, Kate, right off the bat, I have to admit that I saw your new movie "British Invasion: Attack of the Fifty-Foot Jude Law." Kate Winslet: Oh really? Smashing. I had such a fabulous time making it. And -- John Walsh: (interrupting) Right, right. Let me just interrupt you right there. As I said, I saw your movie, and I think I can safely say that it was the worst movie I've ever seen. Kate Winslet: (laughing) Hahaha! That's a good one, John! You've very funny! John Walsh: (confused) What's so funny? (assertively) I'm serious. Your movie was so bad, it made "The Matrix Revolutions" look like "The Lord of the Rings." Especially that ending where it turns out that Jude Law is being controlled by the ghost of Sir Laurence Olivier. It was so obvious! Kate Winslet: (infuriated) What?! You just gave away the ending of the movie! We were counting on that plot twist to bring in half the audience! John Walsh: (insulted) Oh, well, excuse me! Kate Winslet: (getting up) I'm leaving! John Walsh: (pleading) No, wait! My producer is telling me that we still have to play that game for the audience. Will you stay for that? Kate Winslet: (calming down) Well, you're a rather rude man, but fine, I'll do it for the audience. John Walsh: (enthusiastically) Great! Okay, audience, Kate and I are going to be competing in a game that we like to call "Where's Winslet?" We're going to be asked questions, and whoever gets the most correct wins the game. We're playing for copies of Kate's new movie out on DVD, "The Life and Times of Peter Sellers' Butler." If I win, the left side of the audience wins the DVD. If she wins, the right side of the audience wins the DVD. All right? Great! Let's start the game. (to Branford Marsalis) Bran Muffin, come over here and ask the questions! Branford Marsalis: You got it, John! [Branford Marsalis leaves the band area and walks over to John Walsh and Kate Winslet. A stagehand gives him the questions.] Branford Marsalis: Okay, John and Kate, here we go. This is the first question. Kate Winslet is on vacation with her family and is at Mount Rushmore. Where's Winslet? John Walsh: (quickly) South Dakota! Branford Marsalis: Correct! Kate Winslet: (flustered) How was I supposed to know that? I've never been there! Branford Marsalis: Next question! Kate Winslet was just photographed in front of some oranges in the "Sunshine State." Where's Winslet? John Walsh: Florida! Branford Marsalis: Correct! John now has two points! Kate Winslet: I don't know the answers to any of these questions! Branford Marsalis: Don't be a spoilsport, Kate. Okay, here's the final question. This one is worth three points, so, Kate, you can still win this. Here it is. Kate Winslet is in the state that is home to the world's third largest ball of yarn. Where's Winslet? John Walsh: Kansas! Branford Marsalis: Correct! And that means John is our winner! Kate Winslet: (enraged) Whose bloody idea was this?! I thought you were going to be asking questions about my career! I'm from England, I don't know United States geography! John Walsh: (ecstatic) I can't believe I won! (to the audience) That means only the left side of our studio audience wins the DVD. Sorry to all of you people on the right side. Better luck next time! Kate Winslet: (confused) Hey, wait, you're not giving it to them too? John Walsh: No. Why would I? You lost, so they don't get it. Kate Winslet: But I brought enough for the entire audience! And on talk-shows the entire audience always get the prize. Didn't they tell you that? John Walsh: Yeah, but I think that's cheap and ruins suspense. That's why on this show, we play for real. None of that sissy stuff. We're going to put the rest of those DVDs up on eBAY and make a profit. Would you mind signing them for us? Kate Winslet: (outraged) ARRGH! I'm never going on an American show again! First "Saturday Night Live" screws me, and now this! (storms off the set) John Walsh: She certainly has her knickers tied too tightly! (laughs at his own joke) Stick around, we'll be right back with Bryan Cranston, the guy who plays Hal on "Malcolm in the Middle!" [FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
