|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joe Pesci.....Fred Armisen Robert DeNiro.....Rob Riggle Mr. No.....David Spade Voice Over.....Darrell Hammond (Camera fades into a flashy Italian Brooklyn apartment) (Close up on 27-inch television) (A reel of movie previews for “BE COOL”) Vince Vaughn: Be cool, baby, be cool! John Travolta: It’s like weird here, with all of us needing to be cool, here. (Camera fades over to the couch in the apartment; Pesci & De Niro sitting watching the television) Joe Pesci: I can’t believe this! Bobby, can you believe this. This isn’t happening! “Be Cool” is a total rip off of that comedy script we’s been workin’ on! Robert De Niro: Joe, Joe, just do like the movie says…just be cool. Joe Pesci: I’m not going to be cool, Bobby! Do you understand? (Joe grabs a baseball bat and starts smashing the television) Robert De Niro: Joe, what the hell are you doin’? Joe Pesci: You want me to be cool; this is how I’m bein’ cool! (Stops the destruction) That was our idea, Bobby. For a mobster comedy, to make the people laugh. (Rubs his chin) I got an idea. Let’s go to Hollywood and kill those sonabitches! Robert De Niro: It’s a risky idea, Joe. Joe Pesci: Yeah…yeah, but it’s my idea, Bobby. Let’s go. (Joe and Robert start to exit the apartment; Mr. No enters the apartment) Mr. No: Mr. Pesci, Mr. De Niro, do as I say, be cool…just say no! Joe Pesci: Who the fuck are you? Mr. No: Joey, baby, just call me “Mr. No”! (Goes to the couch and sits down) Joe, what happened to your TV? Were you doing some Anger Management? It’s okay, I won’t tell your “proby officer”. Robert DeNiro: Look, you, who gave you the right to come into our apartment? This is our space, you arrogant shit! Mr. No: Mr. DeNiro, help me out here…repeat after me…will I ever host Saturday Night Live again? Just say no! Robert DeNiro: What the hell? Mr. No: Bobby, it’s called “live sketch comedy”, not “live table reading”. Bobby, do me a favor, don’t ever work with “Dakota Fanning” again! Robert DeNiro: What the hell are you trying to say? Mr. No: Bobby, you have no chemistry with the girl! Joe Pesci: Look you little bitch, I don’t know why you are here, and I don’t even care…one thing is for sure…if you don’t shut up and let us go on our way, we are gonna fuck you up! Robert DeNiro: Yeah, “Snide Hollywood Minute Boy”, I think I’ve had enough of your stupid ass remarks about us. Mr. No: Well, Mr. DeNiro, Mr. Pesci, please, just do as I do and no one will get hurt. Be cool…Just say no! (Joe & Robert proceed to beat the life out of “Mr. No”) Joe Pesci: Bobby, Bobby, Bobby! He’s dead. Let’s go. (Fade out) (A message begins scrolling up the screen) Voice Over: Mr. No did what he could, as best as he could, or at least the way he wanted to. Mr. Pesci and Mr. De Niro did not kill him, but certainly put him out of commission for a while. “The Mobsters” went to Hollywood and beat up John Travolta, Vince Vaughn and Andre 3000 and they had their way with Uma Thurman. They were sentenced to 4 counts of aggravated assault and one count of gang banging Uma Thurman. Joe and Bobby are currently doing time for these hate crimes. But all of this could have been avoided if they did what Mr. No said, “be’d cool and just say no”. Voice of Robert De Niro: Hey, who the hell do you think you are? Saying crap about us! Joey, shoot him! Voice of Joe Pesci: It would be my pleasure! (Sound a gun shot; Sound of a man falling to the ground) Voice of Robert DeNiro: Good work! (SUPER: THE END) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
