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Willy James.....Kenan Thompson Carlton the clerk.....David Spade Customer.....Rachel Dratch Announcer.....Will Forte Reginald.....Finesse Mitchell (A Black Screen appears and the Words shoot out across the screen with narration by Don Pardo) THE FOLLOWING SKETCH FEATURES WILLY JAMES (Cut to Willy James standing in front of a black screen) Willy James: You need the W to the J, America! (Fade into an exterior shot of Blockbuster Video. Camera pans closer. Then cut to inside the store. The setup is a clerk at the cashier desk. The customer is looking at video racks along the wall. There is tv monitor in the corner. ) Customer: I can’t decide what to get. Clerk: (mutters to himself) Damn late shift. I hate these low-life customers. (Willy James walks into the store) Willy: Well don’t get Mulan 2. Clerk: And... you are? Willy: The name’s Willy James. I thought I was a celebrity. Don’t you watch the Weekend Update. Clerk: I actually have a life on Saturday nights. Willy: I’m pretty famous on the E-BAY circuit. I sell never before seen clips of various movies. Clerk: That’s great, are you looking for the adult section? Willy James: Ah, the glorious world of pornography. The healthy relationship of movies and sex. But alas, I get the real thing every Wednesday! Do you understand...(reads the clerks name-tag) Carlton. Funny, you look more like a Karl than a Carlton. Customer: Hey does anyone know if Napoleon Dynamite is good. Willy James: One of those low-budget comedies, that end up doing well. I didn’t like it. It was too small-time. Too much talking and not enough comedy. Kind of like that show "Just Shoot Me" Carlton: Hey... watch your mouth. If ya got nothing intelligent to say then keep that damn mouth shut! (He turns to the customer) Actually, the movie may be low-budget, but it’s part of our pop-culture history. Willy: (confused) What? Carlton: It created a world reknown catch-phrase. Wherever you go, everybody says (in Napolean’s voice) "God, I’m an Idiot!" You should celebrate the birth of an excellent catch-phrase. Rent it now! Customer: Oh, then I’ll take it. (She pays for the video and walks out of Blockbuster) Carlton: Thank God. Willy: What the hell was that about? I’ve seen Napoleon Dynamite and that phrase is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my natural born life. Nobody uses that phrase. Carlton: Like I care. I just wanted her to leave. What can I do to get you to leave? Willy: Nothing, cause I leave when it’s time... biyatch. Carlton: Can I ask you something personal? Willy: What? Carlton: Is it like a hard set rule that every black person I meet, has to say Biyatch! Willy: (mimicking Carlton) It’s a classic phrase, it’s part of our pop-culture history. (Willy goes over to the movie racks.) Willy: By the way, you catch the Oscars. Carlton: If I say yes, will you rent something and get out of here? Willy: I got a lot to say. So no, I won’t. I personally hate watching them. It’s become a Stuffed Shirt Festival or something. At least Chris Rock was good. Everyone was criticizing him for dissing Jude Law. Jude Law isn’t even that great. They’re calling him the next Michael Caine. Yeah, Jude Law is the next Michael Caine. If Michael Caine did AI: Artificial Intelligence. Carlton: Are you, like, one of those movie nerds who thinks they’re funny and lives with their parents. (Willy walks back to the cashier desk and looks at Carlton) Willy: No. (a beat) My parents kicked me out of their house. Okay so I am a nerd. Actually I’m a movie buff. An awesome movie buff yeah! I have seen over 500,000 films in my life! Carlton: If you’re a real movie buff, You would have seen every film in theaters. There would no need to rent them. Besides, most of you guys pirate your own copies. Willy James: A pirated copy of a movie is kind of like Nick Nolte; against the law and the view is pretty bad. (The tv is finally heard. An announcer speaks in booming voice, but the camera is still on the cashier desk.) Announcer: Critics are calling BE COOL: "Lotta cool stars for a very cool movie." So make sure to see BE COOL. I mean it’s not like you’re gonna see that fruity-ass Vin Diesel movie. Willy James: I don’t know why everyone likes this movie. It’s a recipe for disaster. First off, it’s a sequel coming out 10 years later. Sequels that come out a decade later don’t do spectacular. Then you’ve got a bunch of lopsided stars it’s a mess, Andre 3000 and Cedric the Entertainer, Uma Thurman, and Travolta. Too many stars and overration, hello it’s Alexander all over again! Then you’ve got actors playing un-believable roles. The Rock plays a gay-dude. That’s cool, I mean he’s a wrestler. Wrestling is just grabbing sweaty dudes. He’s got an afro and a goatee in the film. That is unbelievable. Isn’t he Hawaiian. Since when is this guy trying to be black. Please, posers make vomit. Speaking of non-black characters. Vince Vaughn plays a whigger in the movie. Dodgeball Vince Vaughn, Vince Vaughn who was in the Psycho remake. Carlton: (sarcastic) I was moved by your review. Announcer: Don’t miss what the movie critics are calling "A lop-sided comedy, but with it’s with robots and animation." Make sure to take your kids to Robots. Besides, they’ve probably already begged you to see it. Those hyper-active bastards! Willy James: I have to say, I like this movie. I mean, it’s about robots acting like humans in a kid-friendly setting. That’s great, but if people like me go, then there has to be a midnight screening. Carlton: They should call midnight screenings "The nerd’s and loner’s happy hour." For god sakes, normal people don’t go to midnight showings. They get high at midnight! Jeez, the last midnight screening I went to was Tommy Boy! Willy: I sure as hell ain’t going to see a kid's movie in the daylight again. I went to the 4 o’clock showing of The Spongebob Square Pants Movie. It was a day-care, man! I sat in popcorn and candy was be consumed and vomited at the same time. I told one kid to be quiet and then I got kicked out of the movie. I missed David Hasselhoff. I missed David Freakin Hasselhoff! Carlton: Hasselhoff fan eh. Guess we got a tickled pink pickle in the house! Willy: What, I’m not gay! I’ve masturbated to a lot of films. Carlton: Your records show that you rented "The Full Monty" 200 times. Willy: Uh... Carlton: Look, can you pick out something and leave? (Willy looks at a video rack and picks up a copy of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Suddenly, a guy walks through the door. He’s got a brown bag in his hand.) Carlton: (notices the guy) Not another one! Guy: Hey, I’m a respectable customer. The name’s Reginald. Willy: (extends his hand) Willy James is my name. Movies is my game. Reginald: Whatever. (Reginald looks around, he’s anxious.) Hey what time is it? Carlton: Time to pick your films and get the hell out of here! Gimme that brown bag! (Carlton grabs the bag and takes out a vile of reddish liquid) Carlton: Why do you have a vial-full of wine? Aw well, it’s mine now. Haven’t had a drink all day! (Carlton drinks the vial) Reginald: Uh oh! That’s not wine. "God I’m an idiot!" (He says it exactly like Napolean Dynamite.) Carlton: Hah! Somebody actually uses that catch phrase! Willy: What was that? Reginald: Moose Blood... (Carlton starts freaking out) Carlton: Blood! God knows if it’s diseased! I’ve got to go! (He notices the video tape of Harold and Kumar) I know I’ll go and find an Indian dude and a Korean dude. Ha haha, we’ll go to like 50 White Castles! WOOOO!! (He gets hysterical and proceeds to run through the glass window. It shatters and an alarm goes off) Reginald: I’m getting outta here! Willy James: Move your ass, I’m going first. (Willy grabs the video and they both make a run for it. The screen fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
