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Jacob Batts...David Spade Jeremiah Holden...Seth Meyers Sheila Tabursky...Maya Rudolph Frederick Holcomb...Horatio Sanz (open to a game show where contestants are standing behind podiums; then enters host Jacob Batts; constant applause until host speaks) Jacob Batts: Hello, I’m Jacob Batts and welcome to Einstein Time. The only game show that tests the skills of brilliant minds all over the world, with a grand prize of up to $15,000. Our first contestant is Dr. Jeremiah Holden from Harvard University, I understand you teach a class there, Jeremiah. Jeremiah Holden: Yes, I teach law there, Jacob. And I must say this game show will test my skills everywhere else including the justice system. Jacob Batts: Okay, Jeremiah. Now, our second guest is Mrs. Sheila Tabursky. Sheila, it says here that you work at NASA as a mathematician. Sheila Tabursky: That’s right, Jacob. It’s great to be here. Jacob Batts: And, last but not least, from Oxford University in England, is Professor Frederick Holcomb. Frederick Holcomb: It is an honor to be here, Jacob. Jacob Batts: Alright, let’s begin the first round of Einstein Time. All questions throughout the show are a whopping $1,000 each. (audience applauses) Jacob Batts: Now here are the categories: Music, Movies, TV, Fashion, Surprise. Jeremiah, you drew first blood backstage and you can choose first. Jeremiah Holden: Well, I actually thought there would be harder categories, but I shall pick the music section. I love classical music. Jacob Batts: Alright, and here is the question. In what year did Christina Aguilera win her first Grammy? (contestants are puzzled and none ring in; buzzer goes off) Jacob Batts: Ah, the year was 2000. Jeremiah, you select again. Jeremiah Holden: Um, okay, movies. Jacob Batts: Okay, now, in the film "Freddy Got Fingered," what dead animal does Tom Green put on himself? (long pause) Anybody, anbody at all? It was a deer. A deer. Still no score. Pick a category. Jeremiah Holden: Well, how about TV? Jacob Batts: Okay, when taking a self-defense test on MTV’s "Jackass", name one of the things Johnny Knoxville is pelted with? (after a long pause, Sheila rings in) Jacob Batts: Yes, Sheila. Sheila Tabursky: I have never even heard of the show, but I’m going to have to say...a stun gun? Jacob Batts: Judges? (horn blare) I’m sorry but the answer we were looking for was a taser. A taser. Still no score, we will be right back after this commercial break. (audience applauses, host approaches podiums to speak with guests) Jacob Batts: What’s up, guys? You’re not as intelligent as I thought you were going to be. Sheila Tabursky: Look, no offense. But these questions are more applicable towards a much younger group of people. I would say adolescents and teenagers. Frederick Holcomb: Yeah, this is supposed to be a show about brilliant minds competing against each other by answering tough, challenging questions. Jacob Batts: Well, I am shocked. I thought you geniuses could handle pop culture. But, I guess I was wrong. A new game show has to go through its formats, so I will ask the writers to come up with much harder questions. Is that okay? Jeremiah Holden: That would be wonderful. Jacob Batts: (sarcastically) Great. (an hour later) Jacob Batts: We are back, ladies and gentlemen. We are sorry for the delay, but some problems had to be attended to. Without any further ado, we shall enter the second round of Einstein Time. The categories are: History, Science, War, Religion, Foreign Language. Frederick, let’s start with you this time. Frederick Holcomb: I’ll pick science, Jacob. Jacob Batts: Science, okay. Alright, here’s the question. Who invented the world, and why? (long pause; contestants are shocked and look at each other; buzzer goes off) Jacob Batts: Well, brainiacs, couldn’t answer that question either, huh? Frederick Holcomb: What’s the answer? Jacob Batts: You’re the gods of knowledge! You should know the answer. Next question, pick a category. Frederick Holcomb: Um, how about war. Jacob Batts: The question is...how many people were dead after the Civil War? (buzzer goes off) Yes, Sheila. Sheila Tabursky: About half a million people. Jacob Batts: Is that a guess? Sheila Tabursky: Well, of course. Yes. Jacob Batts: We need an exact number. Sheila Tabursky: This is ridiculous. Jacob Batts: Excuse me. There’s no need for outbursts, okay. Psycho. Let’s take a break. (audience lightly applauses; host approaches podiums again) Jacob Batts: What is up with you people? Sheila Tabursky: Look, these questions are impossible to answer. Jeremiah Holden: Yeah, I mean you don’t even have the answers to the questions because there are truly no real answer. Jacob Batts: Oh, wow. I actually thought a show about common folk with intellectual abilities could come up with the origin of life. Sheila Tabursky: Nobody can. Jacob Batts: So, let me get this straight. You’re complaining about these tough questions. What the hell do you want? Frederick Holcomb: Questions that can be answered much easier. Jacob Batts: No pop culture, and no impossible questions. Whatever! I’ll just ask the writers for the show to come up with yet another series of questions for you delicate geniuses. (three hours later) Jacob Batts: We are back, folks. Seems that our special contestants needed easier questions. Don’t know of any game shows that will succumb to their wishes, do you? Well, look no further than this show, ladies and gentlemen. Here are the categories: Math, English, Meteorology, Spelling, Death. Sheila, you pick the section. Sheila Tabursky: I’ll go with math. Jacob Batts: Here’s the question. What is 7 x 3? (all three buzzers go off) Jacob Batts: Hold on one second. This is multiple choice. Is it A) 7, B) 3, C) 21, D) 47 E) 1890 F) no answer or is it G) Iraq? Yes, Sheila. Sheila Tabursky: C) 21. Jacob Batts: Correct. Pick another category. Sheila Tabursky: Spelling, Jacob. Jacob Batts: In this category one must spell the word correctly. The word is....dog. (buzzers go off; Jacob points to Frederick) Frederick Holcomb: D-O-G. Jacob Batts: Correct, Frederick pick a category. Frederick Holcomb: Death. Jacob Batts: Who is buried in Grant’s tomb? (buzzers) Jeremiah. Jeremiah Holden: Grant. Jacob Batts: Correct. And time is up? How was that guys? Jeremiah Holden: It was great, Jacob. I mean the questions should have been a little tougher for a show like this but... Jacob Batts: Well, since all three of you are tied at $1,000 apiece, you all lose. Frederick Holcomb: What? Jacob Batts: Well, we had to find the one person who definitely fit the profile of Albert Einstein himself. One person! All three of you lose. Frederick Holcomb: This show is disgraceful. Sheila Tabursky: We’re out of here. Jeremiah Holden: And why did it take three hours to write those kinds of questions? (as contestants are leaving the stage) Jacob Batts: Fine, go. I don’t need you. This show doesn’t need you. We’ll find better contestants than you. Just watch me. (following week, just shows host approaching podium and not the contestants who are out of shot for now) Jacob Batts: Hello, and welcome once again to Einstein Time. The categories are Sports, Literature.... (zoom over to contestants, who are dogs, start barking and howling) Jacob Batts: Let me finish listing them. (dogs continue to bark) Jacob Batts: Okay, okay. Literature. The question is who wrote the timeless classic Moby Dick? (dogs bark loudly and continuously throughout the question and after) Jacob Batts: Please don’t yell out the answer. Buzz in. (dogs barking) Jacob Batts: That’s it. I quit. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
