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Announcer...Chris Parnell Chris Rock...Finesse Mitchell ...David Spade Dustin Hoffman...Seth Meyers Robert DeNiro...Rob Riggle Christopher Walken...Will Forte Tom Hanks...Chris Parnell Stage Manager...Kenan Thompson Chris Kattan...Fred Armisen [SCENE: The Kodak Theater in Hollywood, California. The 2012 84th Annual Academy Awards is in progress.] Announcer (VO): We now return to the 84th Annual Academy Awards! Once again, here's your host, Chris Rock! [Cut to Chris Rock standing at the podium] Chris Rock: Thank you, thank you! We are back from commercial! I still can't believe this is my eighth year in a row hosting this show! Now this is a rare thing, since the black man ain't gonna do nothin' eight times. That's why we're always unemployed! By the time he gets fired from the fifth job for smoking weed out the cafeteria window, he just don't care no more! And some of us don't even speak eight words to our wives each day! All we need are "food," "TV, "sex," and "Preparation-H." (laughing) Anyway, now it's time for the "Best Actor" category. Dean Edwards and Jeff Richards, the two Oscar-winning actors who were supposed to present this award, missed their flight and couldn't be here tonight, so we had to scrounge up a last-minute replacement. Please welcome my old pal from "Saturday Night Live," and a nominee tonight, David Spade! [David Spade comes out on stage and stands at the podium.] David Spade: Thanks, Rock. It's great to be here tonight. Apparently someone thought it would be funny if I presented this category even though I'm one of the nominees. Now normally I don't like being ridiculed like this, but I changed my mind when they showed me the gift-basket. I know someone who's going to take full advantage of the gift certificate for Bubba's Bar & Brothel. Who's with me? (raises his hand up in the air and laughs nervously) No one? Okay. (blatantly reading the teleprompter) What can be said about a "best" actor? He is one who has the ability to make us laugh and cry at the same time. He is a force of human nature, or in the case of Christopher Walken, an alien from the planet Zal-Tar. The nominees tonight for "Best Actor" are... [CLOSE-UP of Dustin Hoffman sitting in the audience] David Spade: Dustin Hoffman for "Ted Kramer VS. Cosmo Kramer." [CLOSE-UP of Robert DeNiro sitting in the audience] David Spade: Robert DeNiro for "Taxi Driver, Stuck in Traffic & The Meter's Running." [CLOSE-UP of Christopher Walken sitting in the audience] David Spade: Christopher Walken for "The Continental." [CLOSE-UP of Tom Hanks sitting in the audience] David Spade: Tom Hanks for "Forrest Gump 2: They Were Out of Chocolates." [The camera returns to the stage where David Spade is presenting.] David Spade: And me, David Spade, for "Ray, The Billy Ray Cyrus Story." [The audience laughs hysterically.] David Spade: (bitterly) Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. Let's just get this over with. And the Oscar goes to... [David Spade opens the envelope and dejectedly announces the winner.] David Spade: David Spade. Congratulations, David. [The studio is deathly silent from the shock. Then "Achy Breaky Heart," the theme to David Spade's movie, begins to play for two seconds but then abruptly cuts off since he's already on stage.] David Spade: (pause) Hey, wait...(realization sets in) I'm David Spade! What the hell? Is this some kind of joke? (angrily crying) How can you people be so cruel?! [Cut to the Stage Manager standing off-stage] Stage Manager: (shouting) You won! Give your speech! David Spade: (shocked) Wait, seriously? You mean I really won? [The stage manager nods his head and points to his watch since Spade is wasting time.] David Spade: (astounded) Holy crap! They had me at 500-1 odds in the paper this morning! This can't be happening! I totally did not see this coming! I mean, I wasn't surprised eight hours ago when Chris Kattan took "Best Supporting Actress" for playing my wife in the movie, but I had no idea this could happen! [Cut to Chris Kattan sitting in the audience dressed in full women's makeup with long flowing hair.] David Spade: I mean, the only reason I even got nominated was to fill out the category since a bunch of stars decided to boycott this year's ceremony! [Cut to outside the auditorium where picketers are holding signs. One reads "Jack Nicholson Already Has 57 Oscars. Ain't That Enough?" Another says "Hey Jude, You're LAWful!"] David Spade: (ecstatic) I beat the heavyweights! Me! This is insane! Wooo! Suck on that, Mr. Tom Hanks! [Quick cut to an angry Tom Hanks sitting in the audience. He mouths "F--- you!" at Spade.] David Spade: (laughing) I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Tom, I didn't see "Forrest Gump 2," but you were great in "Castaway" talking to that volleyball. I can't wait for the sequel where the guy rejoins society and you spend the whole film talking to a hockey puck! And, of course, Chris Walken's my pal. We go way back. I knew him before he was craz -- (pause) On second thought, I guess I haven't known him that long. (points at DeNiro and Hoffman) Bobby DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman are both legends reprising the roles that helped turn them into legends. Guys, you're both amazing, but it's time to stick a fork in it, you're done. "What A Focked Up Family" ran for six years, you milked it for all it was worth and won a bunch of Emmys, but that's enough. No more comedies, no more sequels, no more nothing. You know it's pathetic when you're acting opposite Michael Richards and the guy who played Screech on "Saved by the Bell," right? [Quick cuts of all the nominees angrily glaring at Spade.] David Spade: Wow, I need to thank some people. I don't know where to begin. Oh wait, I know how to start off. Sing it with me people! Let's do it for Billy Ray! (singing) But don't tell my heart... [The audience sings back "My achy breaky heart..."] David Spade: (singing) I just don't think it'd understand! And if you tell my heart... [The audience sings "My achy breaky heart..."] David Spade: (singing) He might blow up and kill this man! Woo! [The audience applauds wildly] David Spade: I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for Billy Ray Cyrus. I hope he's watching right now from the Oval Office. People kept saying that I was too small and thin to play him, but I showed them! I have to thank the wizards at Industrial Light & Magic for digitally adding all of those pounds to my body for every frame of the film. I also have to thank Tim Meadows for comforting me all those long and lonely nights during the filming of the movie! Tim, if you're watching, the test came back negative, so we're definitely going to "celebrate" tonight, if you know what I mean! Woo! Oh, I have to thank Eddie Murphy, of course. Without his script and amazing direction, I wouldn't be standing here right now! This one's for you Eddie! You're definitely a RISING star in my book now! [The music begins to play Spade off the stage.] David Spade: (crying/screaming/wailing) Wait! Don't cut me off! I have one more thing to say! There's something that I've never said publicly before, and I just want to use this opportunity to finally tell the world..."Live From New York, It's Saturday Night!" Yee-haw! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
