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Jake Bendorf.....David Spade Andrew Burke.....Kenan Thompson Miles Hoffman.....Darrell Hammond Rev. Marilyn Beecher.....Tina Fey Hiroshi Yamoto.....Maya Rudolph Irina Vladiskaya.....Amy Poehler Brian McTeague.....Rob Riggle Scientist.....Rachel Dratch [open on a car driving through the countryside at night. Suddenly the car stops and a man exits obviously frustrated] Jake Bendorf: Aw crap! My car broke down! Hey, wait, I think I see some people up on the horizon, maybe they have some jumper cables. [the man walks towards the dark fields] [open on Jake in the middle of a field, a bunch of people are gathered around telescopes in the corner] Jake Bendorf: Hey, my car broke down over there on the road, anyone of you have jumper cables? Group: Go away! Jake Bendorf: Go away? Look I just need some jumper cables then I'll be out of your way. Group: Can't. Busy. [Andrew Burke walks up to Bendorf] Andrew Burke: Hey there, friend! Sorry for the group, they're just busy now and don't want to risk missing it. Jake Bendorf: Miss what? Andrew Burke: The Jupiter occurence. [Jake stares blankly] Andrew Burke: Don't tell me you don't know about the Jupiter occurence? Oh my! Well, in the past week a mysterious arm, estimated to be some three million light years across, appeared to part the black fabric of space, point an angry finger directly at Jupiter, and shout "No!" twice. We believe it's going to happen again tonight even though the scientific community touts it impossible but we have hope. Jake Bendorf: Yeah...that's great...look I really just need some jumper cables and I'll be out of your way. Andrew Burke: Well, I don't want to miss it either so why don't you sit with us until it happens and then we'll be more than glad to help you out. Jake Bendorf: I guess. So wait, the arm immediately withdrew and hasn't been seen since? You sure this isn't some optical illusion being played on you guys by some hoaxers in Europe? Andrew Burke: No, it's real, but Im not the best person to explain the situation. Let me get the big "scientist" over here. Hey Miles, come on over! [Miles Hoffman enters] Miles Hoffman: Hey guys. Andrew Burke: Hey, this is Cal Tech astrophysicist Miles Hoffman. Miles this is Jake Bendorf, he doesn't quite understand what's going on. Miles Hoffman: Well Jake, there's many theories and personally, I don't know what Jupiter keeps doing but it must be pretty bad. Jake Bendorf: Wait, that's you explanation? Miles Hoffman: Look my team's been focused on Jupiter since the first "No!" incident last Saturday and I can tell you right now the planet was not doing anything out of the ordinary when the hand reappeared again Tuesday but then again, I don't really know what misbehavior I should be looking for. Jake Bendorf: And you're convinced this will happen again tonight? Miles Hoffman: Oh, I'm sure of it because my theory is that the ionized protons in Jupiter's metallic hydrogen core emits a sort of low level hum which if you're on the phone or trying to sleep, can be annoying and it hasn't stopped emitting this hum so the hand must come back to correct it's insolent behaviour. Makes sense right? Jake Bendorf: Sure it does... [Rev. Marilyn Beecher enters] Rev. Marilyn Beecher: That's a lot of horse shit. These appearances were no less than messages from The Almighty. Andrew Burke: Oh, Jake, this is our resident religious fanatic Reverend Marilyn Beecher. Rev. Marilyn Beecher: Hello, nice to meet you. Jake Bendorf: Same. Rev. Marilyn Beecher: As I was saying, it's like when you point to an electrical outlet and say to your baby, "No!" You're teaching him not to play with dangerous things. Maybe God is warning us not to play with Jupiter. Maybe Jupiter is electrical. Or poisonous. Or maybe it bites. Whatever the case, I think a big "Thank you, God!" is in order. Miles Hoffman: That is the worse explanation I have ever heard. Rev. Marilyn Beecher: Really? Because I can't hear the buzz from down here, Hoffman! Miles Hoffman: No I guess it needs to be plugged in first! [Hiroshi Yamoto enters] Hiroshi Yamoto: But Marilyn, if God is behind the incidents, he is not doing enough. Jake Bendorf: [to Andrew] I didn't know you guys have Asians in Ohio. Andrew Burke: [to Jake] She's here for the Jupiter sighting. Jake Bendorf: [to Andrew] Who is she? Andrew Burke: [to Jake] Tokyo-based child psychologist Hiroshi Yamoto. [Yamoto bows] Hiroshi Yamoto: My pleasure, sir. Jake Bendorf: Hello. Hiroshi Yamoto: Now Marilyn if I were God, I'd be much more stern with Jupiter. The first time, I might have said "No" but after that, it's the time-out chair, mister. [Irina Vladiskaya enters] Irina Vladiskaya: Time-outs don't do a thing. Andrew Burke: [to Jake] Russian parenting counselor, Irina Vladiskaya. Irina Vladiskaya: Jupiter should be spanked. Hiroshi Yamoto: Spanking is a barbaric practice! Irina Vladiskaya: You're a barbaric practice. Hiroshi Yamoto: What does that even mean? Irina Vladiskaya: I'll show you what it means! [Hiroshio and Irina start arguing, Marilyn and Miles continue arguing] [Brian McTeague whispers to Jake] Brian McTeague: Hey, buddy, over here. Jake Bendorf: You have jumper cables? Brian McTeague: No, I have the answer. Look, I'm an astronomer at Cambridge University and I can tell you right now everyone over there has it wrong. The hand didn't yell "No!" it yelled "Ho!" [Jake puts his head in his heads in frustration] Brian McTeague: See what actually happened was the sound wave signature was distorted by solar radiation as it approached Earth and the actual word was "Ho!" which would make a lot more sense that the inexplainable "No!" Jake Bendorf: And why's that? [sarcastic tone] Brian McTeague: Well, I've had my eye on Jupiter for many years and with that swirling, swollen pink spot rolling around on its surface like some great sexual bullseye, Jupiter is nothing but a ho. I for one think we should send a big probe up to that skanky ho planet and I volunteer to drive it. [licks his lips] Jake Bendorf: Alright, I'm going to rejoin the normal freaks, okay? [Brian McTeague nods and runs off with a crazed look on his face] Jake Bendorf: Well, you seem like the most level headed of the bunch, while we kill time for this thing to show, what do you think? Andrew Burke: Who me? Jake Bendorf: Mmm-hmm. Andrew Burke: Well, "Ho!" or "No!", I think that the arm has definetely obliterated the world's self-centered view of the universe and given everyone a renewed sense of what's really important. But forget all that garbage, what do you think would sell better? T-shirts that say "Jupiter, NO!" or ones that say "Just Say No To Jupiter!" Jake Bendorf: What? Andrew Burke: Well, I want to find out because I have to get this order printed by five o' clock. When this thing happens again these will sell like hot cakes! [Scientist yells from offstage] Scientist: Hey, everybody come quick, it's happening! [Everyone runs off stage] [cut to outer space with Jupiter and suddenly an arm appears out of a white slit in the sky] Arm:... [freeze frame] [David Spade appears on home base] David Spade: Hello, I'm David Spade, tonight's host. Are you expecting the sketch to end with the arm really revealing it's meaning? Well that's not going to happen. Why? Because at this point the writer ran out of pot and couldn't score anymore before Wednesday's read-through so we leave you like this. I dunno but I think this is a fair indication as to why The Daily Show always beats us out for best writing in a variety series at the Emmys. Anyways, we'll be right back. [fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
