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Allison.....Rachel Dratch Alex.....David Spade (Office setting: Alex and Allison have work stations next to each other.) Allison: Alex, could you hand me those papers? Alex: (lightly, doesn't look up from his work) Go get them yourself, lazy. Allison: (upset) What the hell is your problem?! Alex: (amused, looks up) Whoa there. It's that time of the month, I guess. Allison: Excuse me? Alex: Curse of Eve? Allison: Huh? Alex: On the rag? Riding the cotton bicycle? Aunt Rosie- Allison: You're not telling me I'm PMSing, are you? Alex: Oh, no- Allison: (starting to get worked up) Because, you know, I'm the one who would know, dammit, and I don't need anyone to tell me- Alex: (sarcastic) Yes! I surrender! Cease and desist! I bow to your supreme sacred femininity! Allison: That's more like it. Alex: (picks up the papers and proffers them) The papers you requested, your royal Highness the PMS Queen. Allison: (Gives him a look, then says something that is bleeped out) Alex: Aw, have a sense of humor. Allison: For your information, I do have a sense of humor. You're just not funny. Men always talk about "having a sense of humor" when they mean "laughing at their stupid jokes"! Alex: Now, now. I know you're going through some heavy times, 'scuse the pun, but- Allison: You have no idea, you bastard. Alex: Wow, I'm a bastard for a little kidding around. Definitely PMS. Allison: That is so insensitive…how dare you? You don't know anything about- Alex: The truth hurts, doesn't it? Allison: How is it that men think they can get away with blaming it on PMS every time a woman is a little moody? It runs on a 28 day cycle, so the probability that they are right is pretty low. Alex: If we were guessing randomly, then yes, it would be low. But I think it's not so hard to tell. Allison: Great. Thanks. It seems you have been studying this in great detail. You should consider going into gynecology. Alex: I have. In fact, I plan to dive right in. But my career future aside, I think perhaps you're right. Allison: Really. Alex: Yes. Men shouldn't assume that a woman has PMS, because that can just be an easy scapegoat for the deeper conflict… Allison: Right, exactly! Alex: …that the woman is just a bitch. Allison: What?! Hey!! Alex: Besides, assuming a woman has PMS is assuming that PMS exists. Allison: (still angry from the previous comment and now utterly confused) Wait, first you accuse me of having PMS and now you're debunking its existence? Alex: Well, prove to me that it exists. Allison: (pulls a handgun) You want proof, eh? Alex: (genuinely frightened) Whoa, take it easy! Allison: I have PMS and a gun…I'm sorry, did you have something to say? (pause, she grins) I've always wanted to say that. Alex: Allison, please calm down! I was just trying to screw with your mind, I'm sorry! Allison: You know what, Alex? You're one of those guys that likes to screw with female minds because he won't be screwing with any other part of them. Alex: Hey, I'll have you know- Allison: (cocks gun) What was that? Alex: (quickly recites, even more frightened) IamagoodfornothingloserandIblamewomenforthingsthatarereallymyowndamnfault-Iwillrenouncemychauvinistways MA'AM! Allison: That's more like it. (lowers gun and turns to go back to her work. Alex begins to relax and makes the fatal mistake of rolling his eyes. So naturally, Allison shoots him without even turning around, then sits down. She pulls out a chocolate bar, and commences munching. Fade.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
