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Kevin...David Spade Heidi...Maya Rudolph Eddie...Chris Parnell Sergeant Dave...Rob Riggle Mrs. Pringleship...Rachel Dratch [SCENE: Kevin's apartment. Heidi, Kevin's girlfriend, has just finished watching a movie with Kevin.] Kevin: (impressed) Wow, that was a great movie. Who knew Keanu Reeves could act like that? I've never seen a more realistic dead body before! Heidi: Yeah, me neither. But I don't know, maybe it's just me, but R-rated movies always make me feel dirty. (twirls her hair) Kevin: (intrigued) Oh really? Well, I think we should do something about that. Any ideas? Heidi: I actually do have one. I'm going down the hall and back into my apartment to take a shower. Feel free to join me. Kevin: (suggestively) Well, I just might do that. You go ahead and get going while I clean up here, and I'll be there in a second. Heidi: Okay, great. But don't be late! I take quick showers unless someone is there to join me! (starts walking away seductively) Kevin: (laughing) Oh, don't worry about that. I'm always quick when it comes to the ladies. (awkward pause) Wait, you know what I mean. Heidi: (laughing) Right. [Heidi leaves Kevin's apartment.] Kevin: (to himself) Okay, better hurry. Let me just "clean up" quickly. [Kevin ignores the dirty dishes and runs into his bathroom, off camera. A shaver can be heard for an extended moment, then some rustling, and then Kevin emerges dressed in only a towel.] Kevin: Here we go! It's shower time! [Just as Kevin is stepping out of his apartment and into the hallway, Eddie, his neighbor, appears.] Eddie: (excitedly) Hey, Kev! Glad I caught you! Can you do me a favor? The family and I are doing a cookout outside but we don't have a working flashlight. Can I borrow one of yours? Kevin: (surprised) You're doing a cookout at 10:30 at night? Eddie: Yeah! Kevin: (looks out the window) But it's raining! Eddie: Yeah, so what? Kevin: (begrudgingly) Fine, hang on. [Kevin quickly runs around his apartment looking for a flashlight. He finally finds one and gives it to Eddie.] Kevin: There you go. Anything else? Eddie: (pleased) Nope. Thanks! Kevin: Great. Now if you'll excuse me, I have -- [Suddenly, Kevin's telephone rings.] Kevin: Oh great. Who could be calling now? (distraught) Why are they calling now?! [Kevin runs to the telephone and answers it.] Kevin: Hello? Yes? Do I want to WHAT? No! I don't care how much it costs! What? I don't care if it's tax deductible! Goodbye! [Kevin hangs up the phone angrily.] Kevin: (eagerly) Now nothing is going to stand in my way! [Kevin runs into the hallway. Just as he is about to head to Heidi's apartment, Sergeant Dave, a middle-aged military veteran, suddenly shouts from off-camera.] Sergeant Dave (VO): Kevin! Ten hut! Kevin: (groans) Oh no! [Sergeant Dave, dressed in a fancy suit, comes down the hallway and approaches Kevin.] Sergeant Dave: Kevin, I need your opinion. I'm meeting my army buddies at midnight tonight at Anderson's Pub and I don't know which tie I should wear. Can I get your opinion? Kevin: Fine! Just make it quick! Sergeant Dave: Great. First, there's this red one I'm wearing now. Kevin: Well, that's not bad. Sergeant Dave: Right, but check out this dark purple one. (holds up a dark purple tie) Kevin: (quickly) Uh huh. That's fine. Sergeant Dave: I also really like this navy blue one. (holds up a navy blue tie) Kevin: (impatiently) Right. It's great. Sergeant Dave: And then of course there's this indigo one. (holds up an indigo tie) I think it -- Kevin: (interrupting) Look, just go with the blue tie! It contrasts with the outfit and makes your eyes stand out! Anyone can see that! Sergeant Dave: (impressed) Oh really? Great. Thanks for the input, Kevin. I really appreciate it. Dismissed! [Sergeant Dave walks down the hallway back to his apartment.] Kevin: (relieved) Finally! [Kevin only takes two steps when a dog suddenly jumps onto his leg and doesn't let go.] Kevin: (screaming) AHHH! Get off me! Get off me! Please! You can hump me later! [Mrs. Pringleship, one of Kevin's elderly neighbors, comes running down the hallway.] Mrs. Pringleship: Oh, there you are, Simon! Let go of Kevin's leg! (to Kevin) I'm sorry, Kevin. He's new and doesn't listen to me yet. Bad dog! Get off the nice young man! Kevin: (while struggling with the dog) That's okay, Mrs. Pringleship, just get him off me! (pause) Wait, you said his name was Simon? That's an odd name for a dog. (to Simon) Get off, Simon! Please! Mrs. Pringleship: (wistfully) Yes, it is a rather odd name, isn't it? We named him after the evil judge on that talent contest whose bark is worse than his bite. Simon, get off of Kevin's leg this instant or I'll bring Randy out here to sit on you! (to Kevin) Randy is our pitbull. Kevin: Of course. And I assume you also have a bitch named Paula? Mrs. Pringleship: (shocked) How did you know that? Kevin: Lucky guess. [Simon finally loses interest and lets go of Kevin's leg.] Kevin: (excited) Yes! Nothing can stop me now! [Kevin races down the hallway to Heidi's door and is greeted by a wet Heidi wrapped in a towel.] Heidi: (annoyed) What happened to you? I tried to drag it out as long as I could but the hot water was starting to go. Kevin: (stammering) There were these people...and the telemarketer...and the dog and...(angrily) ARRGH! Heidi: Well, maybe next time we watch a movie -- Kevin: (extremely upset) No! This isn't fair! I'm not taking my next shower by myself! I refuse! [Sergeant Dave suddenly appears wrapped in only a towel] Sergeant Dave: That's just what I wanted to hear. Come on, Kevin. I need to shower before I head out. It'll be just like my army days. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. (pause) Literally. [FADE OUT as Sergeant Dave drags a terrified Kevin off while Heidi laughs hysterically.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
