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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Dan Rather.....Darrell Hammond Rocky.....Rob Riggle Adrien.....Rachel Dratch .....David Spade Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. This week at a press conference, President Bush picked his nose and found the missing Weapons of Mass Destruction. Reportedly, Bush then ate it because he doesn't know any better. Amy Poehler: The United Nations granted President Bush victory this week, as the UN declared an all-government ban of “human cloning”. So let me get this straight…Bush doesn’t like gay marriage and human cloning. What does this schmuck like? Let me guess! Saying the phrase “evil doers”, executing and wearing his “don’t mess with Texas!” t-shirt. (A stagehand gives Amy a sheet of paper) Amy Poehler: Tina, hang on! A late breaking story! President Bush reportedly likes (clears her throat) football on TV, shots of “Gina Lee” and twins! He loves burritos at 4am, dogs that love cats and…and…and TWINS! And he loves you, too! Tina Fey: Thank you, Amy! Earlier this week, President Bush launched a new campaign to help improve the quality of life of America’s most underprivileged youths. Bush said, “I will leave no child behind! What? North Korea’s got nukes? Sorry kids. I gotta go take care of this first. You understand.” President Bush said Wednesday that high gasoline and oil prices are "legitimate concerns" for Americans and the answer is a long-range energy plan that includes drilling in the Arctic wildlife refuges. In future news, millions of animals were killed as the United States destroyed thousands of acres of Arctic wildlife land, so guys like Arnold Schwarzenegger can fuel up their big bad ass hummers, at a somewhat low cost. Amy Poehler: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said on Wednesday, that the United States "was not involved in any way" in a short-lived coup against Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez but assured that Chavez is committed to democracy. Rice went on to say, “And if, for some reason, my nose is getting bigger, like Pinocchio, then it’s because of allergies and not because I’m lying.” President Bush and German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder meet this past week. The two world leaders put aside their Iraqi differences and pretended to understand what the other was talking about. Tina Fey: Bubba, the 22-pound lobster who was estimated to have been 100 years old, died this past week, prior to his move to Ripley's Aquarium in Myrtle Beach. It's a sad moment for crustaceans everywhere, but, hey - everyone's supposed to make sacrifices during Lent. [ picks between her teeth with her fingernail, smacks her lips ] Amy Poehler: The McDonald's Corporation said on Thursday that it is looking into using remote call centers to take customer orders, in an effort to improve order accuracy at its drive-throughs. Either that, or hire fewer dark-skinned employees. Tina Fey: This week a stripper who was once accussed of hurting a customer with her enormous breasts sold one of the her silicone implants to a casino company for 16,766 dollars, this same company also bought the infamous grilled cheese sandwich that had a picture of the Virgin Mary in it. Okay Casino guys I am gonna give you first crack at buying a bit of Amy Poehler's DNA. Amy Poehler: How are you going to do that? (Tina proceeds to punch Amy square in the face, she then scrapes off Amy's blood and sweat into a plastic baggy.) Amy Poehler: This week Martha Stewart was released from prison after serving a 5 month sentence for lying about a stock trade. Upon getting out she was rewarded with numerous Daytime Emmy Award nominations and a new "Law and Order" show based on her, entitled "Law and Order: Get That Bitch Back In." Tina Fey: A newly released health study reported that more women are overweight than underfed across the world. In related news, the men who wrote this story have been killed. Meanwhile, in Brooklyn this week, a man was arrested after he set up a table to sell girl scout cookies without a license on a street corner. It’s always nice to be reminded that the NYPD will be there to protect us from the dangers of illicit cookie trafficking. Amy Poehler: Many major league baseball players this week were summoned to appear before a congressional committee to talk about steroid use in baseball. The players have been upset by the accusation that they have taken steroids and, therefore, they turned green, got angry, and crushed the committee's skulls. Adult film company New Frontier Media has created a new ring tone for cell phones called "ring moans." That's right, sex moans. While this may be fun sometimes, it will definitely suck if Mom's calling. Tina Fey: Earlier this week, CBS news personality Dan Rather signed off as head anchor of the “CBS Evening News”, yet came back on the next night to report that his farewell wasn't accurate. And now, here with a final word on his stepping down, is the one, the only, Dan Rather. Dan Rather: Thank you, Tina. Thank you, very, very much! You know, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why I needed to and why I wanted to resign from my anchor seat from the CBS Evening News. I figure, at my age, there are many, many things I’d much “RATHER” be doing. I’d “RATHER” be golfing with my friend Tom Brokaw. He is enjoying retirement and I bet I could be, too! I’d “RATHER” be sleeping with sexy Hollywood actresses like “Uma Thurman” and the very sexy “Rebecca Romijn-Stamos”…or how about, the very chocolaty colored beauty “Halle Berry”. They are all very sexy. I’d much “RATHER” be doin’ that! So, America, I see it fit…a fitting time for me to leave the CBS Evening News, so I, Dan Rather, can get some sweet nookie! Watch out single ladies of Hollywood, the “Rath-man” is coming to get you! This is Dan Rather, formally of CBS News, saying “courage”. Good night! Tina Fey: Dan Rather, the man, the myth, the legend! Amy Poehler: It was reported this week that: "It's not over until the fat lady sings." In a related story, Starr Jones has signed a recording deal with Jive Records. A late breaking news story! Scientists have found a cure for cancer! More on this story as it develops. Tina Fey: A cat shot a man in Michigan this week when it knocked his gun off a shelf. The man will be okay, but authorities suspect foul play since Furry was awarded sole heir just last week. A new test conducted this week determined that King Tut was not murdered by a blow to the head, nor was his chest crushed in an accident. Thank God! After 3,300 years of worrying, I can stop losing sleep over this at last. Amy Poehler: Germany’s Supreme Court ruled this week that a Neo-Nazi rock group, Landser, is a criminal group. And yet, Ashlee Simpson is still performing sold out concerts! Rapper 50 Cent and former G-Unit member “The Game” called off the bitterness between each other. 50 Cent said, “It was a good idea to do it now, so I don’t get shot 9 times, again.” Tina Fey: A new release in stores this week is a collection of special edition DVDs of Arnold Schwarzenegger's hit films. The DVDs contain amazing extra features, but be warned. During "The Special Commentary" and "The Personal Interview", you must follow the moving ball above the subtitles as Arnold speaks. A mother has been charged with involuntary manslaughter and child endangerment because she neglected her baby’s diaper rash for so long that he died. The mother says she didn’t even know there was a problem until she woke up one morning to a rotten smell. Also in this week’s dead baby news, euthanasia of newborns often goes unreported. (cheery smile) Amy Poehler: An update on that “cure for cancer” story: scientists have not found a cure for cancer, they have instead found a cure for the common everyday headache. The cure is – 2 aspirin, a lot of silence and a stiff drink. Sorry for getting anyone’s hopes up. Tina Fey: We here at Weekend Update are always looking for a way to boost the ratings, and I mean any way possible, so to do this, here is a scene from the porno version of "Rocky." (Rocky and Adrian walk out and behind the Weekend Update desk.) Adrian: Rocky, you can't make it through another fight again, you're too banged up. Rocky: No, you're the one who is getting banged. Adrian: Rocky, take me to the 12th round. (Rocky and Adrian start making out and feeling each other up. Adrian kneels down below the Update desk.) Rocky: ADRIAN! Amy Poehler: It was reported this past week that THE POPE had a tracheotomy to ease his breathing. But the question remains, did he have the tracheotomy done with a steak knife like it was done in "Pulp Fiction"? Survivor contestant Jeff Wilson was eliminated from the CBS reality show this past week. Jeff recently injured his ankle when he slipped on a coconut. The last time someone did that on an island was Gilligan some 30 years ago. Tina Fey: It was announced this week that television legend Bob Newhart will be joining the cast of ABC spitfire hit "Desperate Housewifes". Now, that's just desperate! Bob doesn’t even have breasts, let alone a vagina! Amy Poehler: News from the Robert Blake murder trial, the jury spent most of this week deliberating over a verdict. Well, that’s actually a lie. The jury spent most of this week, trying to remember who Robert Blake played in “The Little Rascals”. Does anyone remember? You may have noticed that U.S. airlines have stopped serving meals on their flights. The rival airlines Delta and Southwest are currently engaged in a “snack war.” And by this, we mean that they are competing over which one offers the bigger nuts. Tina Fey: Al Sharpton has proposed that rappers who are connected with violent acts should be denied radio airplay. Although he did not mention 50 Cent by name, he did say he would rather be shot nine times before hearing about any more rapper violence. Bill Cosby spoke out this week about the accusations that he groped a woman. Cosby said, "Her breasts were as soft as some Jello pudding." Amy Poehler: The Wisconsin Division of Motor Vehicles made a little mistake when they sent letters reminding drivers to renew their registration; the number they gave on the postcard was actually the number for a psychic hotline. But of course, I knew that already. Prosecutors in Arkansas hoped to find a new witness when they subpoenaed a murder suspect. They were surprised to find that the letter’s recipient could not testify, because he was, in fact, a dog, a five year old Shih Tzu. I guess all I have to say to the prosecutors is, “Guess what, boys? The Shih’s on Tzu!” Tina Fey: Guess they were barking up the wrong tree. Amy Poehler: Doggone it. Tina Fey: Michael Lohan, the father of Lindsay Lohan, was arrested two weeks ago with a DWI charge. This is the third time he's been arrested, which is pretty funny, considering that Lindsay's the famous one. On Monday, the prosecution in the Michael Jackson pedophile trial, attempted to portray Jackson as a molester. Asked to comment on these accusations, Jackson said, “I’m not a molester, I love little boys. Is that so wrong? I love little boys, and if I choose to show them how much I love them by taking off my pants, then everyone just has to deal with it!” Amy Poehler: Michael Jackson arrived at his child molestation trial two hours late Thursday, citing that he hurt his back after he tripped and fell while getting dressed that morning. As opposed to earlier in the week, when he hurt his back while bending over to give fellatio to a third grader. And now here with some Celebrity commentary is tonight’s host, Mr. David Spade! David Spade: Thank you. It’s good to back! I’ve been paying a lot of attention to the Michael Jackson pedophile trial. It’s been a rough one, so far. It’s been a lot of “he said, she said” stuff going on. It’s reminding me more and more of the Kobe Bryant trial…but this case seems a bit more wrenched than the Bryant trial. Bryant had what most people would consider “normal sex” with a female of legal age, Michael had…sorry, allegedly had sexual relations with young boys. Now a lot of people are saying Michael is just messed up in the head. Well, isn’t that calling the kettle black. Everyone I’ve ever met is just a little messed in the head. I’m not saying that Michael is a saint; far be it for me to make a credulous comment about the King of Pop…but if you want to know the truth, I’ve met Michael Jackson and he’s seems like a nice guy. I don’t know and I don’t think the jury will get to see the side of Michael that is as “nice” as I’ve gotten to know. But on the opposite side, Michael could be a real messed up individual under that “eminence front” he’s put on for the cameras and for the jury. I heard Michael’s father say that he thinks Michael’s problems in life have been the result of “racism”. Hearing that, it makes me wonder what race Michael actually is these days. He’s not black, he’s not white…is “white-out” a race? I’m asking. Well, I guess to conclude my little comedy corner here, tonight, I’d just like to say, Michael will either be found guilty or innocent, depending on how many members of the jury are like Michael. And when I mean “like”, I mean “a little messed up in the head” like everyone else on the face of the planet. Thank you and good night. Amy Poehler: David Spade, ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
