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Murdoch Hanks.....Ashton Kutcher Chandra Mueller.....Tina Fey Anita Harnette.....Rachel Dratch Maria Marido.....Maya Rudolph Amanda Watters.....Amy Poehler Marv Gormelski.....Darrell Hammond Peter Browne.....Finesse Mitchell Nick Watson.....Chris Parnell Kelvin Fryberg.....Fred Armisen [open on a board room with teachers around a table and Murdoch Hanks, the school board administrator and his assistant Chandra Mueller at the front delivering a speech] Murdoch Hanks: Alright, as the school board administrator, I've called you all here today to inform you of the board's new policies. [chatter] Voice: [from the back of the room]: Hurry it up, it's our lunch! Murdoch Hanks: People, settle down, please. Now, these new policies have been put into place to protect the self-esteem of children in our schools. Why, you ask? Because problems in that area can lead to such issues as teen suicide and worse dating so the need to protect the fragile minds of our students such as losers like Nick Watson, age eleven, Monica Jordice, age seven, and those stupid Calucci twins is urgent as you can see. [pan out to Nick Watson who is standing like a thug with his mouth open, his shirt with a hole in it scratching himself and a blank expression on his face] Chandra Mueller: It's horribly unfair, but children like Nick Watson are treated as if they've got a big L on their foreheads. It's our job to adopt policies that safeguard Nick and even boost his self-image, as pointless in the long run as that may seem. Anita Harnette: Well, what would some of the policies be? Murdoch Hanks: We'd post a daily "Do Not Tease" list outside the principal's office each day and this would deter students from picking on the ones who are suffering from low self-esteem due to their lack of intelligence, charm, physical grace or affability. Chandra Mueller: What Mr. Hanks means is that to get kids to feel good about themselves, first we have to stop them from feeling bad about themselves, which means we must not let others damage their dignity. By putting, for instance, Kelvin Fryberg's name on the No Tease list, we're eliminating the public humiliation he might otherwise have suffered because he acts like such a retard. And believe me, classmates will point that out. Honestly, kids can be so mean. [pan out to Kelvin who is standing their with a blank stare and he's drooling. His t-shirt says "Greeks do it better" and his arms are curled] Maria Marido: That's fine with older students like Fryberg or Mary "Always With Child" Carlisle are stigmatized for their social ineptitude or poor life decisions and will be protected by such a list but what about younger children tend to suffer for their physical clumsiness. We should have all elementary schools in the board ban the game of tag because they create "victims", often the slower children, who are perpetually "it" and never can manage to tag anyone. Amanda Watters: I don't know, that seems a little ridiculous, I mean tag is just a childhood game. Marv Gormelski: Can I field this one? Murdoch Hanks: Sure. Marv Gormelski: Speaking from experience, I teach gym in grade school, about 35 percent of the children between ages six and eleven could not catch up to a brick wall and about ten percent of them might as well not have legs. I mean, they just don't know how to use them. So with numbers like that how could you argue the policy? I mean, it's these kids that we really have to be particularly sensitive about. Amanda Watters: Maybe you're right. Chandra Mueller: I'd also like to propose a policy for the high schools. Murdoch Hanks: Go ahead. Chandra Mueller: We eliminate standardized testing which, as we all know, are traditionally skewed to expose the dim-witted. Anita Harnette: So how would we evaluate their knowledge? Chandra Mueller: We give them the answers but not the actual tests. [a beat] Chandra Mueller: Well, we don't want to take the chance that someone might still get it wrong. Murdoch Hanks: Right. Anyone else? Peter Browne: Yes, I say we upend the rules for hierarchial competitions that tend to ostracize all but the best and brightest. For instance, students that vote for Homecoming Queen must choose the ugliest girl in school and we could have every student named valedictorian. Anita Harnette: But that will just render the top student award meaningless. Peter Browne: Exactly. The word "meaning" implies "defintion" and definitions are labels, which are inherently judgemental. Therefore, the truly modern school can give no more meaningful award than a meaningless award. Maria Marido: But what are we going to do about the ignorant, slutty, dumb and really dumb? These policies won't protect them, I mean a perpetual loser like Nick Watson is still going to get picked on regardless of the "Do Not Tease" list. I say we hold a "Nick Watson Is Normal" Day to safeguard his self-esteem. Amanda Watters: So what would happen on such a day? Maria Marido: Well, students would not be permitted to bathe, speak in complete sentences or answer simple math questions and they must attempt to steal at least one personal item from a fellow student's locker. Nick Watson: Hey...I'm here...you...stop...now. [slams fist on the table] Maria Marido: It's okay Nick, everyone's like you....because...you is...special...See? [Nick smiles and goes back to his stupor satisfied] Amanda Watters: What's he even doing here? Maria Marido: Without supervision he stabs things. Amanda Watters: Well, it seems to work but that only safeguards him for one day. Murdoch Hanks: Unfortunately, that's the limit of our powers. I wish we could say he will never be singled out for being a smart-mouthed little bastard but, hey, for at least one day a year, Nick will be normal. [bell rings] Murdoch Hanks: And with that comes the end of our meeting. [everyone starts to leave] These policies will start on the first of next month, alright people. A pamphlet will be placed in your mailboxes on how to adminster the policies. Amanda Watters: [to Maria] Well back to class. Maria Marido: Yeah. Man, I hate those little bastards. [exuent] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
